We made it to Nebraska despite all the snow. Our flights were on time and uneventful from Columbus to Chicago and then again from Chicago to Omaha. We had to wait about 30 minutes for our rental car because people were turning them in late because of the weather.
All day long our Nebraska friends and relatives were keeping us updated about the I-80 interstate closings. We were able to drive as far as Lincoln but couldn't get all the way to Kearney which was supposed to be our initial destination. All is fine though because Lee Ann lives in Lincoln, so we went to her house and she's hosting us tonight. On the way, we picked up Valentino's pizza and a bottle of Baileys Irish Cream. So we're set for the night.
The kids are outside playing in the huge snow drifts here. Some of the drifts along the interstate were taller than the full sized car we were driving and looked like breaking ocean waves that were frozen as they toppled over. The interstate really wasn't bad at all. Some of the side streets are pretty rough, but we made our way easily to Lee Ann's street and then broke drifts for two blocks on her street to get to her house.
I'm on meds again today because I didn't want to deal with it all while traveling. I also was lifting and moving our luggage despite the dirty looks I'd get from Ken. Hey, someone had to do it and he was already loaded down. I did get Val to carry one more bag than usual so she was getting quite a workout and I had a little less than normal.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
Ran without pain! - Oh, and Merry Christmas!
I ran an entire mile today with no chest pain at all. I had no "wind" because my endurance is so terrible, but my expanders must now fill the cavity completely so they don't move around when I run. I didn't have to do anything unnatural with my stride or arms or anything. I just went out and ran as awkwardly as always, well, a bit more so since I'm so incredibly out of shape.
First, I ran a mile (I know, that's terrible with no warm up) and then I walked/ran another 2.5. My Garmin reports 11:15, 16:49, and 12:24 for the 3 miles. I finished up walking a half mile in 9:55.
What a great way to celebrate Christmas! I know, that's terrible. I led this post with the running celebration instead of celebrating Christmas. I was just so surprised that I could run . . . it really shocked me. No pain.
We did have a wonderful Christmas celebration at our place these past few days. We celebrated with Ken's parents and his sister and her family. Santa even graced our home sometime in the night and left the little ones (5 kids with mine being the oldest at 8 and 11) some wonderful presents.
Merry Christmas everyone! Now we're packing to get ready to travel to Nebraska. I may be silent for a while on the blog because we'll be traveling and visiting with lots of my Nebraska friends and relatives. I'll try to send an update at some point this upcoming week, though. If I don't, have a wonderful New Years.
First, I ran a mile (I know, that's terrible with no warm up) and then I walked/ran another 2.5. My Garmin reports 11:15, 16:49, and 12:24 for the 3 miles. I finished up walking a half mile in 9:55.
What a great way to celebrate Christmas! I know, that's terrible. I led this post with the running celebration instead of celebrating Christmas. I was just so surprised that I could run . . . it really shocked me. No pain.
We did have a wonderful Christmas celebration at our place these past few days. We celebrated with Ken's parents and his sister and her family. Santa even graced our home sometime in the night and left the little ones (5 kids with mine being the oldest at 8 and 11) some wonderful presents.
Merry Christmas everyone! Now we're packing to get ready to travel to Nebraska. I may be silent for a while on the blog because we'll be traveling and visiting with lots of my Nebraska friends and relatives. I'll try to send an update at some point this upcoming week, though. If I don't, have a wonderful New Years.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Christmas Eve
I've been over-doing it quite a bit these last few days. Lots of carrying things, reaching to the top shelf, doing dishes, decorating tables, and trying on lots and lots of clothes. The result is as you would expect. I'm pretty sore. For the morning, "sore" is quite an understatement. This morning I felt like I was back at recovery week #1 instead of #4. Ouch. The truck was back on my chest again and I needed help getting out of bed. I'm sore now too, but I'm still able to go about my business with only a little whining. I need meds now, though. And sleep. I hate going to sleep, but I know I need it.
The doctors said I wasn't supposed to carry anything heavier than a gallon of milk for 4 weeks. Well, it's over 4 weeks now since my surgery on November 23. So I've jumped in with both . . . errrr . . . arms . . . and have been trying to be my usual "host the family" self. I love having people over and planning the meals and snacks and fun drinks. I also get a kick out of the festive dishes and platters.
We've been working on finishing the basement for quite awhile and this year we've added a kitchenette to the 2 bedroom, 1 bath, living quarters down there. It's a beautiful Ikea kitchen with a granite countertop, farm sink (my favorite part), full refrigerator, dishwasher, microwave, and oven. We used the basement oven twice today. It has been so nice having two ovens in the house. Now we can cook two or more things at a time, despite the required cooking temperatures. It's just perfect for these holiday occassions.
I know I've been a bit stubborn about doing things for myself and the crew this week. I've been doing it all as I would have if I hadn't just been through a pretty serious surgery. Everyone keeps trying to get me to sit down and relax while they do the dishes or whatever. And yet I don't. At least I didn't try to carry the table we moved from the basement. I also showed restraint when I went to reach for a large stack of plates and I took half at a time to ensure I didn't have a pec muscle freak out and make me drop them all. By 2pm today, I retreated to my room and took a nap. Getting up an hour later was tough, but required to get to church.
Tomorrow's the big day. Santa's coming tonight. The kids will go crazy with all these gifts and Ken will too because he's getting a new gaming system (Xbox 360). After we open presents and have lunch, Ken's sister and parents will leave and then we will get down to some serious packing for Nebraska. I won't be carrying any heavy items this time, so we may have to rely on Val to take my place as pack mule. She's certainly strong enough.
Merry Christmas everyone!
The doctors said I wasn't supposed to carry anything heavier than a gallon of milk for 4 weeks. Well, it's over 4 weeks now since my surgery on November 23. So I've jumped in with both . . . errrr . . . arms . . . and have been trying to be my usual "host the family" self. I love having people over and planning the meals and snacks and fun drinks. I also get a kick out of the festive dishes and platters.
We've been working on finishing the basement for quite awhile and this year we've added a kitchenette to the 2 bedroom, 1 bath, living quarters down there. It's a beautiful Ikea kitchen with a granite countertop, farm sink (my favorite part), full refrigerator, dishwasher, microwave, and oven. We used the basement oven twice today. It has been so nice having two ovens in the house. Now we can cook two or more things at a time, despite the required cooking temperatures. It's just perfect for these holiday occassions.
I know I've been a bit stubborn about doing things for myself and the crew this week. I've been doing it all as I would have if I hadn't just been through a pretty serious surgery. Everyone keeps trying to get me to sit down and relax while they do the dishes or whatever. And yet I don't. At least I didn't try to carry the table we moved from the basement. I also showed restraint when I went to reach for a large stack of plates and I took half at a time to ensure I didn't have a pec muscle freak out and make me drop them all. By 2pm today, I retreated to my room and took a nap. Getting up an hour later was tough, but required to get to church.
Tomorrow's the big day. Santa's coming tonight. The kids will go crazy with all these gifts and Ken will too because he's getting a new gaming system (Xbox 360). After we open presents and have lunch, Ken's sister and parents will leave and then we will get down to some serious packing for Nebraska. I won't be carrying any heavy items this time, so we may have to rely on Val to take my place as pack mule. She's certainly strong enough.
Merry Christmas everyone!
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Sporting a B now, just in time for Christmas
I got my expanders filled today and I got another 90 cc x 2 for a total of 410 cc in each. Afterward, we went directly to Kohl's and I learned that I fit in some B bras now. I'm still shaped too "pancake-like" to fit very well, but I purchased 2 new B bras from Kohls. I came home and immediately tried on what seemed like hundreds of shirts to find ones that fit given the new shape I'm sporting these days. I needed to know what to pack to take to Nebraska. Some of my old standbys no longer really work and some of the things that were iffy before now are okay. It's strange.
My expanders are wider than the implants will be so I am wider and feel a bit barrel chested. Some of the saline is under my arms instead of on my chest. Also, the shape is a little different between the left and right. It's certainly something I'll have to get used to since I need to have these expanders in for at least another 8 or 12 weeks.
I think I'm getting really close to the right size now since the bras fit. So I need to wait until my appointment with the surgeon on Jan 14 to find out if he wants more fills to make room for the right implant. If I don't need more fills, I'll be ready for my second surgery in 8 weeks. If I need more fills, it will be more like 12+ weeks before I get these expanders out.
In talking with the nurse today I learned that the implants will be MUCH more comfortable than the expanders. She brought in examples of both and the implants are much softer and pliable than the expander. They are also shaped quite differently and are not attached to my chest in any way, instead, they fill the cavity and move with me. Now I get pinched pretty hard if I try to do something that makes the expander try to shift in any direction. I'm so glad I won't be living with that terrible feeling once I get the implants. Aside from the obvious day-to-day limitations, it really makes sleeping difficult since I'm a side-sleeper and I like to switch sides often.
Ken's family has all arrived now and we're having a wonderful evening with wine and cheese and Christmas cookies. I get deliriously happy when I get to use my reindeer plates and my Christmas platters. The kids were playing without adult supervision, although Val is sometimes taking on that role. Now they are getting ready for bed. All 5 of them are sleeping in Jason's bedroom tonight (ages 2.5, 5, 7, 8 and 11). Val (age 11) is the only girl, but she'll be the first to explain that she isn't a "girly girl" so she can relate and play well with all the boys. And she does.
Remember all those cute little pajamas with feet? The youngest still has those and he's soooo cute!
I hope you all are having wonderful holiday celebrations with your family and friends. Such times really make me understand what is important. I know I made the right decision in getting rid of the cancer and pre-cancer all at once. I'd like to have many, many more of these family celebrations.
My expanders are wider than the implants will be so I am wider and feel a bit barrel chested. Some of the saline is under my arms instead of on my chest. Also, the shape is a little different between the left and right. It's certainly something I'll have to get used to since I need to have these expanders in for at least another 8 or 12 weeks.
I think I'm getting really close to the right size now since the bras fit. So I need to wait until my appointment with the surgeon on Jan 14 to find out if he wants more fills to make room for the right implant. If I don't need more fills, I'll be ready for my second surgery in 8 weeks. If I need more fills, it will be more like 12+ weeks before I get these expanders out.
In talking with the nurse today I learned that the implants will be MUCH more comfortable than the expanders. She brought in examples of both and the implants are much softer and pliable than the expander. They are also shaped quite differently and are not attached to my chest in any way, instead, they fill the cavity and move with me. Now I get pinched pretty hard if I try to do something that makes the expander try to shift in any direction. I'm so glad I won't be living with that terrible feeling once I get the implants. Aside from the obvious day-to-day limitations, it really makes sleeping difficult since I'm a side-sleeper and I like to switch sides often.
Ken's family has all arrived now and we're having a wonderful evening with wine and cheese and Christmas cookies. I get deliriously happy when I get to use my reindeer plates and my Christmas platters. The kids were playing without adult supervision, although Val is sometimes taking on that role. Now they are getting ready for bed. All 5 of them are sleeping in Jason's bedroom tonight (ages 2.5, 5, 7, 8 and 11). Val (age 11) is the only girl, but she'll be the first to explain that she isn't a "girly girl" so she can relate and play well with all the boys. And she does.
Remember all those cute little pajamas with feet? The youngest still has those and he's soooo cute!
I hope you all are having wonderful holiday celebrations with your family and friends. Such times really make me understand what is important. I know I made the right decision in getting rid of the cancer and pre-cancer all at once. I'd like to have many, many more of these family celebrations.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Fill 'er up! and wireless bras
Well, my life is getting back to being almost as busy as before. I did officiate the swim meet two days this weekend and attended Val's 6th grade band concert last night. Today I did some last-minute shopping, got a much needed hair cut and took the kids to swim practice. Ken's parents got here yesterday and his sister and her family are coming tomorrow. We'll have a great Christmas with them and then we'll leave for Nebraska. When we return, I'll go back to work full-time and we'll start our hectic lives once again. As much as I looked forward to some alone time, I know it will be good to get back to our routine.
Tomorrow, I get another "fill" in the expanders to strech my chest skin enough to accept the implants. I don't know how far to expand them because the saline seems to be filling out kind of flat, like cow patties. Sorry, Nebraska analogy. Since I've been in Ohio since 1988, I should probably say something like "they are filling out flat, kind of like a beret." Wait, I've never been to France and know nothing of head fashions. So I'm at a loss. So much for this simile.
While I was shopping, I finally found some bras without wires in them. When the surgeon required no wireless bras, I knew I'd have to buy new ones since all I have is underwires. Evidently that's all anyone has these days because the stores sell little else. I found one at Target, but it was a nursing bra. After the long search, I figured I should buy it. Then I found several better ones in Kohls but I refused to stand in line for 45 minutes to pay for them, so I left. I'll try to pick them up tomorrow and hope for less of a line. Besides, if we go after the fill, I can actually try them on.
So my question is "why can't they make pretty bras with no wires?" What's up with that? The only advantage to these new appendages is that they don't need any support. I just need a bra to hide the scars, really. Otherwise the primary purpose of a bra is completly unnecessary for me. Speaking of bras, I've realized my sports bras don't squish me now. I'm not sure that is a good thing for running. The squishing was comforting and solid. I have no idea how it will be with real implants. I don't much like it with the expanders, I can tell you that. Beth has a funny post on running with expanders that is so completely right-on with how I experience these awkward things.
I'm looking forward to celebrating Christmas with family and wish you all very happy holidays and a new year full of love, success, and fulfillment.
Tomorrow, I get another "fill" in the expanders to strech my chest skin enough to accept the implants. I don't know how far to expand them because the saline seems to be filling out kind of flat, like cow patties. Sorry, Nebraska analogy. Since I've been in Ohio since 1988, I should probably say something like "they are filling out flat, kind of like a beret." Wait, I've never been to France and know nothing of head fashions. So I'm at a loss. So much for this simile.
While I was shopping, I finally found some bras without wires in them. When the surgeon required no wireless bras, I knew I'd have to buy new ones since all I have is underwires. Evidently that's all anyone has these days because the stores sell little else. I found one at Target, but it was a nursing bra. After the long search, I figured I should buy it. Then I found several better ones in Kohls but I refused to stand in line for 45 minutes to pay for them, so I left. I'll try to pick them up tomorrow and hope for less of a line. Besides, if we go after the fill, I can actually try them on.
So my question is "why can't they make pretty bras with no wires?" What's up with that? The only advantage to these new appendages is that they don't need any support. I just need a bra to hide the scars, really. Otherwise the primary purpose of a bra is completly unnecessary for me. Speaking of bras, I've realized my sports bras don't squish me now. I'm not sure that is a good thing for running. The squishing was comforting and solid. I have no idea how it will be with real implants. I don't much like it with the expanders, I can tell you that. Beth has a funny post on running with expanders that is so completely right-on with how I experience these awkward things.
I'm looking forward to celebrating Christmas with family and wish you all very happy holidays and a new year full of love, success, and fulfillment.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Staff lunch and swim meet
It's a very busy weekend for the Orr household. Friday, Ken and I had our holiday luncheon with our colleagues. I met them at a great restaurant I'd never heard of, Cantina Laredo and it was great to see everyone again. I've only been off work for a little over 3 weeks, but it seems much longer. When I got home I found Ken had brought home a huge Fruit basket with a poinsettia and breast cancer awareness ribbons from my fabulous staff. The message was "congratulations" for being cancer-free. Before Friday, I was feeling a bit left out and missing the great people at work. Now I'm looking forward to going back after the holidays.
On Saturday and Sunday, we have a swim meet all day long. Well, most of the day. Today (Saturday), we left the house at 6:20am and warmups started at 7:30am. The last event ended at 3pm. I offiiciated ALL DAY. It was a bit much and I was very tired after being on my feet all that time. However, each day-long session is long enough to count for 2 sessions out of the 6 sessions I have to officiate this season in order to keep my official's certification active. I certainly don't want to take all those tests again, so I'm going to try to get my 6 in before the season ends. I'm not sure whether I'll officiate tomorrow. I'm withholding that decision to I see how I'm feel in the morning. It would be nice to get two more session credits, though.
To officiate, I have to wear a white shirt and blue pants. The blue pants are easy enough, but a white shirt during this reconstruction time was quite a difficult thing to come by. I can't wear an underwire bra (doctor's orders) and so I only have one non-athletic bra that doesn't have a wire. It also doesn't have fitted cups so I don't quite fill it right now. I ended up putting shoulder pads that I always cut out of shirts (my shoulders are padded quite enough, thank you) in the bra to make it not so obviously wrinkly under a white shirt. Then I tried on probably 5 white shirts before I found a short sleeved sweater that was thick enough to mask the bra issues.
So whether I officiate tomorrow is also impacted by whether I can find another white shirt to wear. Maybe I'll have to wear a sports bra and go around uni-boob. That's not as bad in a sweatshirt, but in a somewhat see-through white shirt, it's not ideal. I may wear a very light shirt with a white 3/4 length jacket/shirt over it. Layers works well. Unless it gets too hot, of course.
It was supposed to snow a lot here today, but it didn't. It was too warm and so it mostly misted today with a few flurries in the early morning.
The kids did fine at the meet today. It was a HUGE meet with 418 kids swimming. Val shaved 21 seconds off her 200 IM and she won her 100 backstroke heat by a 1/2 length of the pool. Jason had his first serious competition this year. In previous meets, he has taken first and second place in the back and free. This meet was a bit more challenging. Although he was disappointed in his events, we were very excited that he completed the breaststroke without once doing a scissor kick. He also placed a very respectable 6th out of 36 in his 25 backstroke and 10th out of 36 in his 50 freestyle.
Tonight we're doing grade homework. Lots of it. Most other kids in the area are already out for the holidays, but we started school late because of several new schools being built in our district. So while everyone else is taking it easy tonight, we're doing math, reading, and working on a group project for which Val seems to be doing most of the work. I'm proud of her for taking the responsibility and doing what needs done, though.
On Saturday and Sunday, we have a swim meet all day long. Well, most of the day. Today (Saturday), we left the house at 6:20am and warmups started at 7:30am. The last event ended at 3pm. I offiiciated ALL DAY. It was a bit much and I was very tired after being on my feet all that time. However, each day-long session is long enough to count for 2 sessions out of the 6 sessions I have to officiate this season in order to keep my official's certification active. I certainly don't want to take all those tests again, so I'm going to try to get my 6 in before the season ends. I'm not sure whether I'll officiate tomorrow. I'm withholding that decision to I see how I'm feel in the morning. It would be nice to get two more session credits, though.
To officiate, I have to wear a white shirt and blue pants. The blue pants are easy enough, but a white shirt during this reconstruction time was quite a difficult thing to come by. I can't wear an underwire bra (doctor's orders) and so I only have one non-athletic bra that doesn't have a wire. It also doesn't have fitted cups so I don't quite fill it right now. I ended up putting shoulder pads that I always cut out of shirts (my shoulders are padded quite enough, thank you) in the bra to make it not so obviously wrinkly under a white shirt. Then I tried on probably 5 white shirts before I found a short sleeved sweater that was thick enough to mask the bra issues.
So whether I officiate tomorrow is also impacted by whether I can find another white shirt to wear. Maybe I'll have to wear a sports bra and go around uni-boob. That's not as bad in a sweatshirt, but in a somewhat see-through white shirt, it's not ideal. I may wear a very light shirt with a white 3/4 length jacket/shirt over it. Layers works well. Unless it gets too hot, of course.
It was supposed to snow a lot here today, but it didn't. It was too warm and so it mostly misted today with a few flurries in the early morning.
The kids did fine at the meet today. It was a HUGE meet with 418 kids swimming. Val shaved 21 seconds off her 200 IM and she won her 100 backstroke heat by a 1/2 length of the pool. Jason had his first serious competition this year. In previous meets, he has taken first and second place in the back and free. This meet was a bit more challenging. Although he was disappointed in his events, we were very excited that he completed the breaststroke without once doing a scissor kick. He also placed a very respectable 6th out of 36 in his 25 backstroke and 10th out of 36 in his 50 freestyle.
Tonight we're doing grade homework. Lots of it. Most other kids in the area are already out for the holidays, but we started school late because of several new schools being built in our district. So while everyone else is taking it easy tonight, we're doing math, reading, and working on a group project for which Val seems to be doing most of the work. I'm proud of her for taking the responsibility and doing what needs done, though.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Motivation
First, the great news.
I went out for a walk/run today! I walked a mile and then walked and ran a second mile. The last half of the second mile, I ran the whole time. Then I walked about a half mile to wrap up. The weather was about 32 degrees f (0 c) and sunny with little wind. I dressed well for the walk, long sleeve T, cotton sweats, cotton gloves (my 13.1 gloves from the half marathon in 2008) and a quilted windbreaker jacket. It was a little warm for the run part, but I just unzipped the jacket and took off my gloves and I was fine.
I'm so glad I got out. I listened to Steverunner's halloween podcast (yes, I'm behind the times) and learned why he wants to run a sub-4 hour marathon. He came oh so close a few years ago, so I know he'll meet that goal in autumn 2010.
Now for the tough part.
I had a really difficult time forcing myself outside. I don't know why. I just did. The weather was perfect, I certainly had the time, I downloaded several new podcasts on my MP3 player . . . there was no reason not to go out.
This is my last day at home alone during this recovery period. I wanted to make the most of it - to do things I can't do when others are here. Like what? Since I'm not really interested in running around the house naked, I guess watching rated PG-13 and R movies would rank up there as something I can't do often. Watching TV in general is something I rarely do in normal, everyday life. But I've done some of that during recovery and I don't feel better for it. Actually I feel worse. The "couch of doom" does not have the answers to my questions nor does it hold the key to my recovery or happiness.
Other than this being my last day to be alone (tomorrow I need to take Val to the orthodonist and then go to a holiday lunch for work), I wasn't sure what was stopping me from getting out there. But I finally got ready to go and stepped out the door . . . only to find that my Garmin needed charged. I must have left it on the last time I went out. Oh well. I left it at home.
The first mile was just a walk though I was toying with the idea of running a little. The docs said I could start to run in 3 weeks. However, one doctor said I won't want to run with the expanders in because it will be "uncomfortable" (medical-ese for major pain). Three weeks passed on Monday, but I was worried about my fluid build-up, so I waited. Today I decided I needed to get out. My whole body was tight and sore from having to sleep on my back and I just wanted to get loosened up and feeling better.
A little past the half-mile mark, I started to get weepy. I was sad and frustrated and mad at myself. Five or 6 years ago, I lost about 30 pounds and then began running. For a while it was easy to keep the pounds off but then it just started coming back. I was able to hold out at 10 lbs up (still 20 lbs better than before) for several years, but recently I've slipped and I was 15 lbs up when I was diagnoised with breast cancer. Now I'm almost to the point where I was before I lost the 30 pounds. I'm so disappointed that I've let it come to this. Now everything is harder. Running is much harder when carrying around an extra 30 pounds. So is feeling good about myself and staying positive. Even "being there" for my family and friends is hard when I'm feeling so bad about myself.
I shook off the tears and finished walking the rest of the first mile. Then I started the second mile. I tried running slowly but it bothered my chest so I walked again. Then I ran a little more and tried to not bounce so much. My running mentor, Jim, talked with me about running lightly like on glass so as to not break it. I tried that and it helped some but it still felt strange in my chest. So I walked more. Then I tried running by holding my chest in with my arms and I kept running. I continued to try things to decrease the bounce on my chest and I was able to run a half mile. I kept my elbows tight to my body while running and only moved my arms at and below the elbows.
The half mile run was an accomplishment for me (sounds crazy, huh?). It was tough to keep running the last quarter mile, but I finished it and then walked. And cried some more. I had my sunglasses on so I wasn't obviously sad to anyone who might see me. A man who was delivering suburban newspapers drove by and said something encouraging about running and perhaps something about not over-doing it. No doubt he thought I just finished a 5 mile run in 45 minutes or something crazy like that. I just smiled, said "thanks" and waved.
I walked the last half mile and tried to determine why I was weepy. I guess it's the extra weight I'm carrying and the trouble with motivation that is so frustrating to me. This breast cancer and surgery has set me back quite a bit, but I was not doing great before the diagnosis either.
It's not so easy for me to do this running thing. I don't know why. I certainly feel better when I run. Maybe I just need to force myself to do it more often until it's a habit that does not require re-commitment every time I do it. I have a full time + job and two kids who still need help with homework and an incredible husband with whom I spent much too little time and friends who I love dearly but rarely see. Yet, I know I need to make time for me or I won't do well in any of these roles I love.
So that's how this blog started, prior to really understanding what this breast cancer diagnosis really meant. Now I've gotten rid of the cancer and I need to pull myself back up and get on the road to recovery for the whole me.
I went out for a walk/run today! I walked a mile and then walked and ran a second mile. The last half of the second mile, I ran the whole time. Then I walked about a half mile to wrap up. The weather was about 32 degrees f (0 c) and sunny with little wind. I dressed well for the walk, long sleeve T, cotton sweats, cotton gloves (my 13.1 gloves from the half marathon in 2008) and a quilted windbreaker jacket. It was a little warm for the run part, but I just unzipped the jacket and took off my gloves and I was fine.
I'm so glad I got out. I listened to Steverunner's halloween podcast (yes, I'm behind the times) and learned why he wants to run a sub-4 hour marathon. He came oh so close a few years ago, so I know he'll meet that goal in autumn 2010.
Now for the tough part.
I had a really difficult time forcing myself outside. I don't know why. I just did. The weather was perfect, I certainly had the time, I downloaded several new podcasts on my MP3 player . . . there was no reason not to go out.
This is my last day at home alone during this recovery period. I wanted to make the most of it - to do things I can't do when others are here. Like what? Since I'm not really interested in running around the house naked, I guess watching rated PG-13 and R movies would rank up there as something I can't do often. Watching TV in general is something I rarely do in normal, everyday life. But I've done some of that during recovery and I don't feel better for it. Actually I feel worse. The "couch of doom" does not have the answers to my questions nor does it hold the key to my recovery or happiness.
Other than this being my last day to be alone (tomorrow I need to take Val to the orthodonist and then go to a holiday lunch for work), I wasn't sure what was stopping me from getting out there. But I finally got ready to go and stepped out the door . . . only to find that my Garmin needed charged. I must have left it on the last time I went out. Oh well. I left it at home.
The first mile was just a walk though I was toying with the idea of running a little. The docs said I could start to run in 3 weeks. However, one doctor said I won't want to run with the expanders in because it will be "uncomfortable" (medical-ese for major pain). Three weeks passed on Monday, but I was worried about my fluid build-up, so I waited. Today I decided I needed to get out. My whole body was tight and sore from having to sleep on my back and I just wanted to get loosened up and feeling better.
A little past the half-mile mark, I started to get weepy. I was sad and frustrated and mad at myself. Five or 6 years ago, I lost about 30 pounds and then began running. For a while it was easy to keep the pounds off but then it just started coming back. I was able to hold out at 10 lbs up (still 20 lbs better than before) for several years, but recently I've slipped and I was 15 lbs up when I was diagnoised with breast cancer. Now I'm almost to the point where I was before I lost the 30 pounds. I'm so disappointed that I've let it come to this. Now everything is harder. Running is much harder when carrying around an extra 30 pounds. So is feeling good about myself and staying positive. Even "being there" for my family and friends is hard when I'm feeling so bad about myself.
I shook off the tears and finished walking the rest of the first mile. Then I started the second mile. I tried running slowly but it bothered my chest so I walked again. Then I ran a little more and tried to not bounce so much. My running mentor, Jim, talked with me about running lightly like on glass so as to not break it. I tried that and it helped some but it still felt strange in my chest. So I walked more. Then I tried running by holding my chest in with my arms and I kept running. I continued to try things to decrease the bounce on my chest and I was able to run a half mile. I kept my elbows tight to my body while running and only moved my arms at and below the elbows.
The half mile run was an accomplishment for me (sounds crazy, huh?). It was tough to keep running the last quarter mile, but I finished it and then walked. And cried some more. I had my sunglasses on so I wasn't obviously sad to anyone who might see me. A man who was delivering suburban newspapers drove by and said something encouraging about running and perhaps something about not over-doing it. No doubt he thought I just finished a 5 mile run in 45 minutes or something crazy like that. I just smiled, said "thanks" and waved.
I walked the last half mile and tried to determine why I was weepy. I guess it's the extra weight I'm carrying and the trouble with motivation that is so frustrating to me. This breast cancer and surgery has set me back quite a bit, but I was not doing great before the diagnosis either.
It's not so easy for me to do this running thing. I don't know why. I certainly feel better when I run. Maybe I just need to force myself to do it more often until it's a habit that does not require re-commitment every time I do it. I have a full time + job and two kids who still need help with homework and an incredible husband with whom I spent much too little time and friends who I love dearly but rarely see. Yet, I know I need to make time for me or I won't do well in any of these roles I love.
So that's how this blog started, prior to really understanding what this breast cancer diagnosis really meant. Now I've gotten rid of the cancer and I need to pull myself back up and get on the road to recovery for the whole me.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Still expanding
I went to the plastic surgeon's office for my second fill today. I was nervous about it because I think the first time they just filled up the cavity that was already there so very little expansion was going on. So I took a Percocet and a muscle relaxant and they put in 80cc for each. Now it's tight and expanding. Other than being a little sore, it's not too bad yet.
My next expander fill is Wednesday, Dec 23. I'm not sure how many more I'll have after that. I guess it depends on how much I can get in that day. Maybe I'll be able to do two or three fills in January and then wait a few months before my next surgery when they put in the implants.
Some good news - the fluid that was building up under my left arm is shrinking. The nurse looked at it today and wasn't too worried about it. After this fill, it does seem less swollen and watery there. I'll keep a close eye on it the rest of the week and we'll see the surgeon if it gets worse. I haven't been walking as often right now since I learned that exercise can make the fluid build up worse under my arm. However, if the worst of the fluid build up is behind me now, I will start walking again soon.
I'm suprised that my arms are recovering at a vastly different rate. My right arm is doing pretty well already. I can't swing it in circles yet but I can almost put it straight above my head. My left arm isn't even remotely that agile. Anything over about 45 degrees feels tight and dangerous, like I might tear something important.
I've been able to keep up with daily work emails and am scheduling meetings for early January so I plan to be back in the office January 4, 2010. I may have to take a day off here and there for fills, but other than that, I hope I can be back to a normal schedule. I need to check in at work to see what they need from me for returning. I had to do FMLA, so I may need a work release form from my plastic surgeon.
That's all for today, I guess. Oh, wait, I forgot to mention that tonight we have Indian food. Joseph made some very yummy smelling Indian cuisine that we are warming up for dinner tonight. I can't wait! What a treat!
My next expander fill is Wednesday, Dec 23. I'm not sure how many more I'll have after that. I guess it depends on how much I can get in that day. Maybe I'll be able to do two or three fills in January and then wait a few months before my next surgery when they put in the implants.
Some good news - the fluid that was building up under my left arm is shrinking. The nurse looked at it today and wasn't too worried about it. After this fill, it does seem less swollen and watery there. I'll keep a close eye on it the rest of the week and we'll see the surgeon if it gets worse. I haven't been walking as often right now since I learned that exercise can make the fluid build up worse under my arm. However, if the worst of the fluid build up is behind me now, I will start walking again soon.
I'm suprised that my arms are recovering at a vastly different rate. My right arm is doing pretty well already. I can't swing it in circles yet but I can almost put it straight above my head. My left arm isn't even remotely that agile. Anything over about 45 degrees feels tight and dangerous, like I might tear something important.
I've been able to keep up with daily work emails and am scheduling meetings for early January so I plan to be back in the office January 4, 2010. I may have to take a day off here and there for fills, but other than that, I hope I can be back to a normal schedule. I need to check in at work to see what they need from me for returning. I had to do FMLA, so I may need a work release form from my plastic surgeon.
That's all for today, I guess. Oh, wait, I forgot to mention that tonight we have Indian food. Joseph made some very yummy smelling Indian cuisine that we are warming up for dinner tonight. I can't wait! What a treat!
Monday, December 14, 2009
Time is flying
I realized today that I actually have very little "Kelly" time while I'm out recovering. Before surgery, I imagined the recovery time to be long, slow days in which I could watch movies or read. I pictured myself with my hot tea and settling down to ground myself again . . . to figure out how to still be me post-surgery . . . to deal with the emotional hurts as well as the physical . . . to pamper myself.
I am certainly getting pampered by Ken and the kids as well as family, friends, and colleagues. I'm not having to make dinner or clean. Ken is even taking the brunt of the homework chore.
Unfortunately, I'm not getting as much time to myself as I had imagined. Even though I'm not working much (I'm just keeping up on emails) and Ken is doing 95% of the work around the house, somehow I'm still caught up in the crazy schedule we keep. Today I figured out that I only have 3 more days to watch all the movies, read all the books, and rediscover who I am. Hmmmm, quite a tall order for 3 days.
Tomorrow is Tuesday and I'll have from 9-3 by myself. Wednesday I have a doctor's appointment, so that day is shot (pun intended). Then Thursday and Friday I'll have 9-3 again. This weekend is a big swim meet and then it's holiday time. Dec 21 through Jan 3 we'll be spending time with family either at our house or at theirs. Now don't get me wrong, I love the holidays. I love hosting and visiting our wonderful family. I love all the old traditions and the ones we are making ourselves. I'm fortunate enough to have an incredible family and close friends who have become like family too.
So I'm not whining about "obligations" because I really want to do all these family things. I just wish I also had a few more weeks before or after the holidays when I could do all I fantasized about prior to surgery. I guess that's what we all want, more time. Well, at least as a result of this surgery, I have been given the gift of time. Early detection and proactive surgery has made it much more likely that I will have more holidays with my children and hopefully with their children too.
I am certainly getting pampered by Ken and the kids as well as family, friends, and colleagues. I'm not having to make dinner or clean. Ken is even taking the brunt of the homework chore.
Unfortunately, I'm not getting as much time to myself as I had imagined. Even though I'm not working much (I'm just keeping up on emails) and Ken is doing 95% of the work around the house, somehow I'm still caught up in the crazy schedule we keep. Today I figured out that I only have 3 more days to watch all the movies, read all the books, and rediscover who I am. Hmmmm, quite a tall order for 3 days.
Tomorrow is Tuesday and I'll have from 9-3 by myself. Wednesday I have a doctor's appointment, so that day is shot (pun intended). Then Thursday and Friday I'll have 9-3 again. This weekend is a big swim meet and then it's holiday time. Dec 21 through Jan 3 we'll be spending time with family either at our house or at theirs. Now don't get me wrong, I love the holidays. I love hosting and visiting our wonderful family. I love all the old traditions and the ones we are making ourselves. I'm fortunate enough to have an incredible family and close friends who have become like family too.
So I'm not whining about "obligations" because I really want to do all these family things. I just wish I also had a few more weeks before or after the holidays when I could do all I fantasized about prior to surgery. I guess that's what we all want, more time. Well, at least as a result of this surgery, I have been given the gift of time. Early detection and proactive surgery has made it much more likely that I will have more holidays with my children and hopefully with their children too.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
'Tis the season
It's beginning to [feel] a lot like Christmas
Our house is decorated. We're buying Christmas presents. Church is including holiday songs in the service. Ken is playing the "All Christmas, All the Time" radio stations. The kids are bringing home candy canes and continuously revising their Christmas lists. Jason is asking the dreaded questions asked by Virginia and other kids who are questioning everything as they grow up. Friends are sending Christmas cookies and other goodies. Ken started our gas fireplace today and I'm sipping peppermint tea and writing by the fire. We are so truly blessed this Christmas season.
Everywhere I go
Friday night, one of my staff members had a house warming party. Dan bought his first house and he invited friends and colleagues to celebrate with him. I was so impressed! The house is beautiful and he's really smart to begin his investment now. Jason was at a sleepover party, so we took Valerie and I was very proud of her there. She was even interested in the house tour. However, it was the chocolate fountain that had her hooked for most of the time we were there. I purposely didn't take my meds in the afternoon so I could have a drink there if I wanted. I ended up having just a beer, but it had been so long since I had one, it was really good and freeing to be able to get out and celebrate.
Saturday night we went to Jean and Richard's house for our annual QOI (Quality and Operations Improvement) party. Ken worked in the Medical Center's QOI office for a few years after we got married. He had such incredible colleagues there and though most of them have moved on to other jobs, they continue to get together yearly to keep in touch and celebrate their life changes.
They are a very fun group and we had a wonderful time. Jean and Richard are well-known for their fantastic drinks, so I went the afternoon and evening without meds in preparation for that party too. There I had 2 Lemon Pie martinis and a "Cup of Yum" (chocolate martini) over about 4 hours. It was heavenly.
See, all I need are some parties to get me off these silly meds. The proper incentive is all I lacked.
Another fun part of the QOI party are the gift exchanges. Val got a Target gift card and Jason got Pokemon cards, so they are both quite excited. The adults also had a gift exchange (the type where we draw numbers and steal presents from each other). We got a modern candle and holder that will go great with the decor in our newly renovated basement.
Our marathon/ironman friend didn't make it to the QOI party, however I think most everyone else did. It was particularly great to talk with one of the women who also has cancer and is a runner. She was very inspiring as we talked about her treatment and strong motivation to run. She has already completed a marathon and plans to do another one in the next year or two, despite the fact that she needs surgery and may need another round of chemo. She's amazing! We laughed at many things about our plights and shared our stories, including what we each have ahead of us.
I had a wonderful time but I paid for it last night. It wasn't the martinis that got to me, though. I didn't feel them at all. Missing a couple of Percocets and muscle relaxants, however, made for a very sore night and early morning. Even today while on the meds, I have a very sore place on the left side. It was worth it though. I'd do it again despite the pain. So I guess it couldn't have been that bad. I may have overdone it a bit on Saturday during the day, though. I went shopping and made some food for the party. Now it seems like I have fluid collecting on the left side. I'm not going to panic about it yet, I'll just watch it and hope my body catches on that it needs to drain. It could turn into lymphedema, the doctor might have to drain it with a needle on Thursday, or it could just go away by itself. I'll take door # 3.
On the positive side, prior to both parties, I took REAL showers. That was almost as wonderful as the parties. Washing in a soapy wonderland.
Our house is decorated. We're buying Christmas presents. Church is including holiday songs in the service. Ken is playing the "All Christmas, All the Time" radio stations. The kids are bringing home candy canes and continuously revising their Christmas lists. Jason is asking the dreaded questions asked by Virginia and other kids who are questioning everything as they grow up. Friends are sending Christmas cookies and other goodies. Ken started our gas fireplace today and I'm sipping peppermint tea and writing by the fire. We are so truly blessed this Christmas season.
Everywhere I go
Friday night, one of my staff members had a house warming party. Dan bought his first house and he invited friends and colleagues to celebrate with him. I was so impressed! The house is beautiful and he's really smart to begin his investment now. Jason was at a sleepover party, so we took Valerie and I was very proud of her there. She was even interested in the house tour. However, it was the chocolate fountain that had her hooked for most of the time we were there. I purposely didn't take my meds in the afternoon so I could have a drink there if I wanted. I ended up having just a beer, but it had been so long since I had one, it was really good and freeing to be able to get out and celebrate.
Saturday night we went to Jean and Richard's house for our annual QOI (Quality and Operations Improvement) party. Ken worked in the Medical Center's QOI office for a few years after we got married. He had such incredible colleagues there and though most of them have moved on to other jobs, they continue to get together yearly to keep in touch and celebrate their life changes.
They are a very fun group and we had a wonderful time. Jean and Richard are well-known for their fantastic drinks, so I went the afternoon and evening without meds in preparation for that party too. There I had 2 Lemon Pie martinis and a "Cup of Yum" (chocolate martini) over about 4 hours. It was heavenly.
See, all I need are some parties to get me off these silly meds. The proper incentive is all I lacked.
Another fun part of the QOI party are the gift exchanges. Val got a Target gift card and Jason got Pokemon cards, so they are both quite excited. The adults also had a gift exchange (the type where we draw numbers and steal presents from each other). We got a modern candle and holder that will go great with the decor in our newly renovated basement.
Our marathon/ironman friend didn't make it to the QOI party, however I think most everyone else did. It was particularly great to talk with one of the women who also has cancer and is a runner. She was very inspiring as we talked about her treatment and strong motivation to run. She has already completed a marathon and plans to do another one in the next year or two, despite the fact that she needs surgery and may need another round of chemo. She's amazing! We laughed at many things about our plights and shared our stories, including what we each have ahead of us.
I had a wonderful time but I paid for it last night. It wasn't the martinis that got to me, though. I didn't feel them at all. Missing a couple of Percocets and muscle relaxants, however, made for a very sore night and early morning. Even today while on the meds, I have a very sore place on the left side. It was worth it though. I'd do it again despite the pain. So I guess it couldn't have been that bad. I may have overdone it a bit on Saturday during the day, though. I went shopping and made some food for the party. Now it seems like I have fluid collecting on the left side. I'm not going to panic about it yet, I'll just watch it and hope my body catches on that it needs to drain. It could turn into lymphedema, the doctor might have to drain it with a needle on Thursday, or it could just go away by itself. I'll take door # 3.
On the positive side, prior to both parties, I took REAL showers. That was almost as wonderful as the parties. Washing in a soapy wonderland.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Shower and a house warming
Mornings are not good. I have certainly turned back into a non-morning person. Whether or not I get up to take meds in the middle of the night, I still have a tough time in the morning. It's difficult to get out of bed and to start the day with the annoying sponge bath ritual. Also, it's such a strange sensation to go from a prone position to upright. It's like the expanders move around in my chest and change position too.
Tonight we went to Dan's housewarming party. His house is an old victorian-type place and it's really, really nice. I was very impressed. He's a smart guy to do the first home buyer thing right now for the federal funds. And on top of that, he got money from the university as an incentive to purchase in an area that campus wants rehabed by OSU employees.
Jason was at a birthday party sleepover, but Valerie came with us to the party. There were no other kids there, but Dan had a chocolate fountain and that was all she needed to be happy. We also had some great conversations with some of his church friends.
Before we went out, I took a shower. Kinda. I had a big surprise when I got up this morning because my drain hole actually kept draining when I took off the dressing to check it out. Drainage was almost pouring out and I had to move quickly to get a new dressing on it. I checked it halfway through the day and it was better, only seeping a little. So I changed the dressings 3 or 4 times and I think it's going to be okay now. I'm just taking it pretty easy and not over-doing it this weekend. But I digress.
In preparation for the shower, I got a sandwich baggie and applied two layers of tape so I could put it over my dressings on the left side. Then I stood in the shower so the left side didn't get very wet until the end of the shower when I quickly washed and rinsed my left arm and the area around the sandwich bag dressing. It must have worked pretty well because the dressings under the bag were still dry. I changed them again anyway.
After we got home tonight, I opened a card from some friends who we don't see very often. I've always admired Sheila and Tim and it was such a nice surprise to read their card and learn that I'm an inspiration to them. Sheila has undergone amazing health challenges and is a highly respected leader at the Hospitals and Tim is an Ironman who trains with my friend Tom. Sheila and Tim are incredible people and inspire me all the time. I hope they are at the Christmas party we're going to tomorrow night. I'd like to thank them for the card and catch up with all of the amazing things they've done since I last saw them.
Well, it's starting to actually feel a bit like Christmas. I even wore a Christmas sweater when we went out tonight.
Tonight we went to Dan's housewarming party. His house is an old victorian-type place and it's really, really nice. I was very impressed. He's a smart guy to do the first home buyer thing right now for the federal funds. And on top of that, he got money from the university as an incentive to purchase in an area that campus wants rehabed by OSU employees.
Jason was at a birthday party sleepover, but Valerie came with us to the party. There were no other kids there, but Dan had a chocolate fountain and that was all she needed to be happy. We also had some great conversations with some of his church friends.
Before we went out, I took a shower. Kinda. I had a big surprise when I got up this morning because my drain hole actually kept draining when I took off the dressing to check it out. Drainage was almost pouring out and I had to move quickly to get a new dressing on it. I checked it halfway through the day and it was better, only seeping a little. So I changed the dressings 3 or 4 times and I think it's going to be okay now. I'm just taking it pretty easy and not over-doing it this weekend. But I digress.
In preparation for the shower, I got a sandwich baggie and applied two layers of tape so I could put it over my dressings on the left side. Then I stood in the shower so the left side didn't get very wet until the end of the shower when I quickly washed and rinsed my left arm and the area around the sandwich bag dressing. It must have worked pretty well because the dressings under the bag were still dry. I changed them again anyway.
After we got home tonight, I opened a card from some friends who we don't see very often. I've always admired Sheila and Tim and it was such a nice surprise to read their card and learn that I'm an inspiration to them. Sheila has undergone amazing health challenges and is a highly respected leader at the Hospitals and Tim is an Ironman who trains with my friend Tom. Sheila and Tim are incredible people and inspire me all the time. I hope they are at the Christmas party we're going to tomorrow night. I'd like to thank them for the card and catch up with all of the amazing things they've done since I last saw them.
Well, it's starting to actually feel a bit like Christmas. I even wore a Christmas sweater when we went out tonight.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Drain free and growing
Well, I've had a big day today. The doctor decided to take the last drain out before doing the first expander fill. That was certainly unexpected. They told us it would stay in untill it drained less than 30 cc each day for two days. My last 3 days with that drain were 38, 38, and 39. He wrestled with the idea and in the end decided to pull it since we were filling the expander and will leave less space for fluid to collect anyway.
Soooooooooo . . . (queue the Born Free music) I'm . . . drain . . . free!
I thought I'd feel back to normal after getting the drains out, but the expanders are really a pain too. I hope the final implants are more comfortable than these expanders. I expected to feel like my skin is pulled much too tight, but it doesn't feel like that at all. Instead, I feel like a truck is parked on my upper chest. I think it's the pec muscle rebelling. Also, I feel hard, pointy places in the cleveage. The doc checked it and said it was the expander.
I learned something else today too. My right breast still has lots of feeling left in it. I don't know if that feeling will outlast the stretching and the second surgery, but I certainly felt the needle going in for the fill process. Ouch! My left side felt it much differently. It was more of a numb, nauseous feeling. In all, though, it wasn't as bad as I expected. Maybe it will be worse next time when the skin is tighter and they put in more saline. During the surgery, the doctor was able to put in 180cc and today they added 60 to each side. So if you ask me my bra size, I'll say 240. Ok, not really. But it's good I'm making progress.
Today I also learned that the surgeon actually took out 6 lymph nodes, 3 sentinal and 3 others. All were clear of cancer.
Tonight I'll go out to meet two friends who I haven't seen since before the diagnosis. It will be great to get out and talk. Too bad I can't join them in a glass of wine though.
Soooooooooo . . .
I thought I'd feel back to normal after getting the drains out, but the expanders are really a pain too. I hope the final implants are more comfortable than these expanders. I expected to feel like my skin is pulled much too tight, but it doesn't feel like that at all. Instead, I feel like a truck is parked on my upper chest. I think it's the pec muscle rebelling. Also, I feel hard, pointy places in the cleveage. The doc checked it and said it was the expander.
I learned something else today too. My right breast still has lots of feeling left in it. I don't know if that feeling will outlast the stretching and the second surgery, but I certainly felt the needle going in for the fill process. Ouch! My left side felt it much differently. It was more of a numb, nauseous feeling. In all, though, it wasn't as bad as I expected. Maybe it will be worse next time when the skin is tighter and they put in more saline. During the surgery, the doctor was able to put in 180cc and today they added 60 to each side. So if you ask me my bra size, I'll say 240. Ok, not really. But it's good I'm making progress.
Today I also learned that the surgeon actually took out 6 lymph nodes, 3 sentinal and 3 others. All were clear of cancer.
Tonight I'll go out to meet two friends who I haven't seen since before the diagnosis. It will be great to get out and talk. Too bad I can't join them in a glass of wine though.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Home alone
Nothing much to report these last couple of days.
My friend Ann came by to see me yesterday. She brought lunch and we sat and chatted for hours. Her kids swim with ours in the summer and we have it off very well as a family. It was wonderful to talk with her. A few years ago when she was 41, she went through something similar, so we had lots of stories to trade. It reminded me of the way women who recently have had babies talk when they are alone together.
I've been without Percocet for a few days now, but I probably stopped it a bit early. I feel lots of muscle pain in my upper chest and am taking the muscle relaxant to try to get that muscle to be happier now that it's stretched out with the expander behind it. I'm still on antibiotics to avoid infection in the single drain that has not been removed yet. It's draining 38 cc daily for two days and it has to be under 30 for two days. I'm also taking Aleve. For someone who took very few meds, I'm not liking this medicine management thing. I can't wait to go back to telling the nurses that I'm taking absolutely nothing.
Today was my first day at home by myself and I was a complete sloth. Well, other than actually washing my own hair for the first time since surgery. Other than reaching that milestone, I caught up on my work emails and watched a movie (Martian Child) that Maggie lent me. It was a nice day to have some quiet time. I rarely get time home alone and it was nice to just do whatever I wanted.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with the plastic surgeon so I won't have any time alone. It will be another milestone, I think. I expect to have the first fill then. Since my pecs are already incredibly sore, I'm worried it will hurt quite a bit. I may need to start taking Percocet again. I'll take my new book to the doctor's office. The Mystery Book Club at work got me the next Sue Grafton book in her alphabet series (I'm on U). A smalll group of us meet roughly monthly to read and discuss books in the mystery genre. I'll miss the Dec meeting, but will read the book anyway - after I read the Grafton book. Holly and Homocide is the book selection for December.
My friend Ann came by to see me yesterday. She brought lunch and we sat and chatted for hours. Her kids swim with ours in the summer and we have it off very well as a family. It was wonderful to talk with her. A few years ago when she was 41, she went through something similar, so we had lots of stories to trade. It reminded me of the way women who recently have had babies talk when they are alone together.
I've been without Percocet for a few days now, but I probably stopped it a bit early. I feel lots of muscle pain in my upper chest and am taking the muscle relaxant to try to get that muscle to be happier now that it's stretched out with the expander behind it. I'm still on antibiotics to avoid infection in the single drain that has not been removed yet. It's draining 38 cc daily for two days and it has to be under 30 for two days. I'm also taking Aleve. For someone who took very few meds, I'm not liking this medicine management thing. I can't wait to go back to telling the nurses that I'm taking absolutely nothing.
Today was my first day at home by myself and I was a complete sloth. Well, other than actually washing my own hair for the first time since surgery. Other than reaching that milestone, I caught up on my work emails and watched a movie (Martian Child) that Maggie lent me. It was a nice day to have some quiet time. I rarely get time home alone and it was nice to just do whatever I wanted.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with the plastic surgeon so I won't have any time alone. It will be another milestone, I think. I expect to have the first fill then. Since my pecs are already incredibly sore, I'm worried it will hurt quite a bit. I may need to start taking Percocet again. I'll take my new book to the doctor's office. The Mystery Book Club at work got me the next Sue Grafton book in her alphabet series (I'm on U). A smalll group of us meet roughly monthly to read and discuss books in the mystery genre. I'll miss the Dec meeting, but will read the book anyway - after I read the Grafton book. Holly and Homocide is the book selection for December.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Two down, one to go
I got two drains out today, so the right side is drain-free! What a difference that makes in pain, mobility, and attitude! I'm not sure when the last drain will come out. It could be as long as sometime next week.
When we got home, I immediately went out and walked 3 miles. I felt like I could stand up straighter and move more freely. It was wonderful to be out.
I spent the rest of the day clearing my work emails, reading a book, and helping with the kids. I even drove the van home since the car was ready to pick up from the mechanic. With all the hubbub, I forgot to take my afternoon pills. I'm now 4 hours past pill time and counting. I suppose I should take an antibiotic, but I think I'll skip the pain pills.
Last night I was describing some swelling and mobility problems with Ken and he suggested the problem might be corrected with a muscle relaxant. I think he was right. I took one before going to bed and today I had more mobility and felt less swollen. I think I'll try that again tonight. I'm not wild about taking them during the day, though. They make me dizzy and tired.
Val is due home from church school any minute and we're going to have some of Mona's meatloaf. Ken and Jason will have some later when they get home from basketball. We've already sampled some of the cookies. They are wonderful!
When we got home, I immediately went out and walked 3 miles. I felt like I could stand up straighter and move more freely. It was wonderful to be out.
I spent the rest of the day clearing my work emails, reading a book, and helping with the kids. I even drove the van home since the car was ready to pick up from the mechanic. With all the hubbub, I forgot to take my afternoon pills. I'm now 4 hours past pill time and counting. I suppose I should take an antibiotic, but I think I'll skip the pain pills.
Last night I was describing some swelling and mobility problems with Ken and he suggested the problem might be corrected with a muscle relaxant. I think he was right. I took one before going to bed and today I had more mobility and felt less swollen. I think I'll try that again tonight. I'm not wild about taking them during the day, though. They make me dizzy and tired.
Val is due home from church school any minute and we're going to have some of Mona's meatloaf. Ken and Jason will have some later when they get home from basketball. We've already sampled some of the cookies. They are wonderful!
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Life is good
Before I went to bed Ken was being the scientist/analyst considering why my drains might be so low (I had them constricted most of yesterday). I took this as him trying to find a reason to keep the drains in and I wasn't happy. I went to bed a bit peeved about it.
Then this morning I woke up 5 hours past when I was due to take meds and couldn't bring myself to get out of bed to start another day with the major pain of working the entire day around these *%&$*#^$ drains. I worked myself up to being mad at Ken for conspiring to keep the drains in longer and I was upset and fed up.
I was emotional and Jason (age 8) found me crying in the kitchen. He asked if I was laughing and I told him I was crying. He came over and gave me a hug and patted my back and said "it's ok, it's ok" and that made me cry more. He was so cute and nice. He asked me if I was crying because I hurt or because I'm sad and he seemed glad to hear it was because I was sad. He huged me more. During this, he would stop to look behind us a couple of times and once he asked where dad was. It was so cute. He was being so supportive and looking for a way out at the same time. Such a little man. I was very proud of him.
Before surgery and when we first told the kids about the cancer, I told them I might be sad sometimes but it's not because I'm sicker than they thought, it's just because I don't want to have the surgery and I'm sad I have to do it. So Jason went right to that when I told him I was sad and he was cool with it.
Later, after meds and sulking and talking to Ken, all the while knowing I was being ridiculous, I started to feel better. I knew all along that Ken doesn't want to make this harder for me. He's the most supportive husband in the world! His desire to make sure I don't have complications was just conflicting with my insanely strong need to rip these drains out.
Anyway, it was an unusally slow day at our house today. Mom had to fly back to Nebraska this morning. We miss her. The kids didn't have swimming because of a swim meet for some of the older kids. I watched some episodes of Pushing Daisies that Karen lent to me. Ken started the work needed to decorate the outside of the house. Both kids played with friends and did homework. Bob was kind enough to bring over some very yummy chicken chili, so we had lunch catered by Bob and Stephanie and dinner by Katie from work. Ken forced me out to join him for a 1/2 mile walk which was cold, but wonderful. Ken is at volleyball now (a team I would be playing on too if I wasn't on the injured list this year).
So all is well in the world of Kelly again. I'm feeling much better and have moved back up the mood elevator to Grateful. How did I get so fortunate to have such a great husband, kids, family and friends?! We've had such great food from so many people, too. Everyone is sending food to warm up in the oven or microwave, so I can even do it - it's nice that I can do something around here! We even got a contribution to have dinner or lunch at Catalfinos and I'm really looking forward to that one of these days coming up. Life is good.
Then this morning I woke up 5 hours past when I was due to take meds and couldn't bring myself to get out of bed to start another day with the major pain of working the entire day around these *%&$*#^$ drains. I worked myself up to being mad at Ken for conspiring to keep the drains in longer and I was upset and fed up.
I was emotional and Jason (age 8) found me crying in the kitchen. He asked if I was laughing and I told him I was crying. He came over and gave me a hug and patted my back and said "it's ok, it's ok" and that made me cry more. He was so cute and nice. He asked me if I was crying because I hurt or because I'm sad and he seemed glad to hear it was because I was sad. He huged me more. During this, he would stop to look behind us a couple of times and once he asked where dad was. It was so cute. He was being so supportive and looking for a way out at the same time. Such a little man. I was very proud of him.
Before surgery and when we first told the kids about the cancer, I told them I might be sad sometimes but it's not because I'm sicker than they thought, it's just because I don't want to have the surgery and I'm sad I have to do it. So Jason went right to that when I told him I was sad and he was cool with it.
Later, after meds and sulking and talking to Ken, all the while knowing I was being ridiculous, I started to feel better. I knew all along that Ken doesn't want to make this harder for me. He's the most supportive husband in the world! His desire to make sure I don't have complications was just conflicting with my insanely strong need to rip these drains out.
Anyway, it was an unusally slow day at our house today. Mom had to fly back to Nebraska this morning. We miss her. The kids didn't have swimming because of a swim meet for some of the older kids. I watched some episodes of Pushing Daisies that Karen lent to me. Ken started the work needed to decorate the outside of the house. Both kids played with friends and did homework. Bob was kind enough to bring over some very yummy chicken chili, so we had lunch catered by Bob and Stephanie and dinner by Katie from work. Ken forced me out to join him for a 1/2 mile walk which was cold, but wonderful. Ken is at volleyball now (a team I would be playing on too if I wasn't on the injured list this year).
So all is well in the world of Kelly again. I'm feeling much better and have moved back up the mood elevator to Grateful. How did I get so fortunate to have such a great husband, kids, family and friends?! We've had such great food from so many people, too. Everyone is sending food to warm up in the oven or microwave, so I can even do it - it's nice that I can do something around here! We even got a contribution to have dinner or lunch at Catalfinos and I'm really looking forward to that one of these days coming up. Life is good.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Need the meds
So today I was almost an hour late taking my noon medications and I was feeling pretty well anyway. So I thought I'd skip the Percocet and take Tylenol instead. Big mistake. I lost the next 6 hours.
My chest got heavy and I slumped even more than I already do (my posture has gotten terrible). I started moving much more gingerly and breathing much more shallow.
We went out to do an errand and I couldn't wait to get back. I took a short nap then but got up when Eunice came to deliver some very yummy food for the weekend (made by Gail and Katie P). I then went back to bed and slept until 7pm when I could take Percocet again.
Now I'm in a much better mood and moving more like myself too. Crazy. I guess I'm not ready to drop the meds. Too bad. I really need to kick the need for the Percocet so I can start driving and taking some of the burden off Ken as we get back into the crazy schedule we have with getting kids to events and me to doctor appointments.
Well, it was a good try. Maybe I'll try again next week.
My chest got heavy and I slumped even more than I already do (my posture has gotten terrible). I started moving much more gingerly and breathing much more shallow.
We went out to do an errand and I couldn't wait to get back. I took a short nap then but got up when Eunice came to deliver some very yummy food for the weekend (made by Gail and Katie P). I then went back to bed and slept until 7pm when I could take Percocet again.
Now I'm in a much better mood and moving more like myself too. Crazy. I guess I'm not ready to drop the meds. Too bad. I really need to kick the need for the Percocet so I can start driving and taking some of the burden off Ken as we get back into the crazy schedule we have with getting kids to events and me to doctor appointments.
Well, it was a good try. Maybe I'll try again next week.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Future procedures - and Pink Glove Dance
Today's appointment went pretty much as expected. No drains can come out yet, unfortunately. That's too bad since they are driving me crazy and causing about 80% of the pain, I think.
The plastic surgeon was very pleased with his work and the placement of the expanders. It was fun to watch him show them to the resident or PA who was there.
So here's what I have in store for the next few months:
Check out this fun youtube video from Providence St. Vincent Medical Center: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEdVfyt-mLw. Lore has it that when the video gets 1 million hits, the company that sells the pink gloves (Medline) will make a huge contribution to the hospital and offer free mammograms for the community.
The plastic surgeon was very pleased with his work and the placement of the expanders. It was fun to watch him show them to the resident or PA who was there.
So here's what I have in store for the next few months:
- Hopefully my drains will start draining less fluid and I will be able to get two of the three out next week. The last one has to stay in for an additional week. Darn - this is longer than I thought I'd have them in.
- Next week (Thursday) is the first "fill" of the expanders. I currently have about 180 cc of saline in the expanders and they are looking to fill them to about 500 cc. I think they will try to put in 60cc next week.
- For six to eight weeks, I'll be going in to the plastic surgeon's office to get saliene added. They will "over-fill" me so I'll be bigger than desired for several months. After I'm at max fill level, they will leave me there for 8 to 12 weeks to ensure the stretch is permanent.
- In probably March or April, I'll have surgery to remove the expander and put in the permanent implant. This surgery will involve cutting out the current scar and creating a new scar which will hopefully be more "desirable" (docs words). Also, this surgery might be outpatient and I may only be on pain meds for a few days afterward. No running is allowed for 6 to 8 weeks after this surgery. We don't want to wreck the great new scars the doc creates.
- A few months later, perhaps June or July, I'll have a nipple added. It will be different than a real nipple, obviously and I hear they have to make them large initially and then they shrink over time.
- A few months after that, perhaps August or September, I'll have the aerola tatooed in the surgeon's office with a machine that does that strange procedure.
Check out this fun youtube video from Providence St. Vincent Medical Center: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEdVfyt-mLw. Lore has it that when the video gets 1 million hits, the company that sells the pink gloves (Medline) will make a huge contribution to the hospital and offer free mammograms for the community.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Cancer Free!
I had great news today. As a result of my Nov 23 surgery, I’m cancer-free! My surgical oncologist is not recommending ANY follow-up treatment for cancer. No chemo or hormone therapy (tamoxifin) is required. This is such a relief!
Ken and my mother went to the appointment with me and both of them are absolutely giddy. We picked up hot fudge sundaes and brought them home for us and the kids to celebrate. Tonight we've been calling family and starting phone trees to let everyone know. Ken's mom, my father, my grandmother, Ken's cousin, Lee Ann, Jeff and Jen, and Bob were among those we've already talked with and they shared our excitement with strong reactions and celebration. As I write this, Mom and Ken are still on separate phones sharing the news and I'm getting text messages from friends who are finding out from others. It's so wonderful!
As for me, I have a tendency to bypass celebrations and focus on upcoming challenges (I'm always asking "what's next") and I find myself fighting to not do that this time. I still have many months of doctor appointments, at least one more surgery, and over a year of rehab for reconstruction. I'm also up 10 pounds since all this started two months ago. It's difficult for me to be as excited as everyone else, though I know that makes absolutely no sense.
I have so much to be grateful for. I will not die from breast cancer. It is extremely unlikely that I will ever have breast cancer again. I will be around to help my children as they grow up and I'll know their children. I'll grow old with my wonderful husband. I only need to visit the James Cancer Care clinic Dublin yearly now, for a physcial exam. I will not need to have chemo! No pills, either. It is a day to celebrate.
Thank you all for your prayers, thoughts, vibes, books, movies, food, cards, gifts, and support. I can't begin to tell you what all this has meant for me and my family. "Thank you" seems to be such a weak response for the gratitude I feel. As I get to feeling better and move beyond the physical and emotional pain, I will find a way to pay this all forward and to help others.
Ken and my mother went to the appointment with me and both of them are absolutely giddy. We picked up hot fudge sundaes and brought them home for us and the kids to celebrate. Tonight we've been calling family and starting phone trees to let everyone know. Ken's mom, my father, my grandmother, Ken's cousin, Lee Ann, Jeff and Jen, and Bob were among those we've already talked with and they shared our excitement with strong reactions and celebration. As I write this, Mom and Ken are still on separate phones sharing the news and I'm getting text messages from friends who are finding out from others. It's so wonderful!
As for me, I have a tendency to bypass celebrations and focus on upcoming challenges (I'm always asking "what's next") and I find myself fighting to not do that this time. I still have many months of doctor appointments, at least one more surgery, and over a year of rehab for reconstruction. I'm also up 10 pounds since all this started two months ago. It's difficult for me to be as excited as everyone else, though I know that makes absolutely no sense.
I have so much to be grateful for. I will not die from breast cancer. It is extremely unlikely that I will ever have breast cancer again. I will be around to help my children as they grow up and I'll know their children. I'll grow old with my wonderful husband. I only need to visit the James Cancer Care clinic Dublin yearly now, for a physcial exam. I will not need to have chemo! No pills, either. It is a day to celebrate.
Thank you all for your prayers, thoughts, vibes, books, movies, food, cards, gifts, and support. I can't begin to tell you what all this has meant for me and my family. "Thank you" seems to be such a weak response for the gratitude I feel. As I get to feeling better and move beyond the physical and emotional pain, I will find a way to pay this all forward and to help others.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Great food!
I had to slow down a bit today because I was tired and sore. These drains are really a pain. They are pulling at my skin and making it irritated and sore. Oh how I wish I was getting them out at my appointment tomorrow, but that is highly unlikely. I guess it's possible the right one will come out since it's draining about 30cc per day, but I'm not sure a week is long enough. They expected the drains to be in for two weeks. Ick! The two on the left side are nowhere near ready to come out.
I was out with my mother looking at tile for a backsplash for the basement kitchenette. It was a nice day, but I wasn't doing as well as yesterday so it was good to get back home and lay down.
Yesterday and today we were treated to dinners from Tom and Cindy, colleagues at work. We couldn't keep Ken out of the pork even before it was heated. He declared it to be excellent cold! I had a similar reaction to the chicken enchiladas and I ate them for both lunch and dinner. It was wonderful to have this food for dinner - the only problem is that our kids will get used to fabulous food for dinner so Ken and I will have to learn how to cook a lot better after xmas! LOL. Thank you, Eunice for coordinating - and everyone else for cooking such wonderful food for us!
Tomorrow is a big day because it's my first appointment post-surgery. I hope I learn about the pathology on the tissue and get an idea of what to expect on-going for treatment. I am still very much against doing chemo or taking Tamoxifin. I hope the docs agree. If not, they will have to make a strong case for me to jump into those treatments right now.
I was out with my mother looking at tile for a backsplash for the basement kitchenette. It was a nice day, but I wasn't doing as well as yesterday so it was good to get back home and lay down.
Yesterday and today we were treated to dinners from Tom and Cindy, colleagues at work. We couldn't keep Ken out of the pork even before it was heated. He declared it to be excellent cold! I had a similar reaction to the chicken enchiladas and I ate them for both lunch and dinner. It was wonderful to have this food for dinner - the only problem is that our kids will get used to fabulous food for dinner so Ken and I will have to learn how to cook a lot better after xmas! LOL. Thank you, Eunice for coordinating - and everyone else for cooking such wonderful food for us!
Tomorrow is a big day because it's my first appointment post-surgery. I hope I learn about the pathology on the tissue and get an idea of what to expect on-going for treatment. I am still very much against doing chemo or taking Tamoxifin. I hope the docs agree. If not, they will have to make a strong case for me to jump into those treatments right now.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Walked 3 miles
I slept very well last night despite the annoying back pain. I did get the solid 7 hours I was hoping for last night. Yea! Then I took more meds and slept longer. Over 12 hours in all.
I didn't feel well in the morning though. My meds had run out so I was sore. I was also depressed, feeling really gross and unattractive, and not looking forward to a day on the couch. Ken helped me through it and then helped me wash up, including washing my hair. When I finally got out and about, my mom made me an egg sandwich (yum) and I took my meds but I had a headache and was still grouchy.
My mother-in-law said some very nice things to me as they were leaving and that was really nice. They are really great people and give so much of themselves to their family. After they left, my mom got me a blanket (the one my daughter and sister-in-law made for me over the weekend) and Ken rubbed my shoulders to try to get my headache to go away. It wouldn’t subside, so I decided I'd go out for a walk. I did two miles with the steverunner podcast and the third mile my mom joined me. The headache did go away.
I'm still very concerned about the huge swelling of my chest area under my arms. I'm also scared because it is completely numb there. We see the surgical oncologist on Wed and the plastic surgeon on Thursday, so I'll be able to ask about these problems then. I also notice that when I use the computer or try to read, my eyes have trouble staying focused. That's probably because of the pain meds. My arms also hurt when I try to type for awhile. So I'll stop typing now and go get cleaned up again since the walk was quite a workout for me. I'm in a better frame of mind though. That's good. The kids get home in a little over an hour.
I didn't feel well in the morning though. My meds had run out so I was sore. I was also depressed, feeling really gross and unattractive, and not looking forward to a day on the couch. Ken helped me through it and then helped me wash up, including washing my hair. When I finally got out and about, my mom made me an egg sandwich (yum) and I took my meds but I had a headache and was still grouchy.
My mother-in-law said some very nice things to me as they were leaving and that was really nice. They are really great people and give so much of themselves to their family. After they left, my mom got me a blanket (the one my daughter and sister-in-law made for me over the weekend) and Ken rubbed my shoulders to try to get my headache to go away. It wouldn’t subside, so I decided I'd go out for a walk. I did two miles with the steverunner podcast and the third mile my mom joined me. The headache did go away.
I'm still very concerned about the huge swelling of my chest area under my arms. I'm also scared because it is completely numb there. We see the surgical oncologist on Wed and the plastic surgeon on Thursday, so I'll be able to ask about these problems then. I also notice that when I use the computer or try to read, my eyes have trouble staying focused. That's probably because of the pain meds. My arms also hurt when I try to type for awhile. So I'll stop typing now and go get cleaned up again since the walk was quite a workout for me. I'm in a better frame of mind though. That's good. The kids get home in a little over an hour.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Over-tired
I had a very busy weekend. Saturday, Ken, my mother, and I went out to look at some condos because they are thinking of moving here after they retire. Then today I attended the swim meet. Jason swam from about 8am to 10:30am and then I went home and slept for 2 hours and then went back for Val's meet from 1-4:30. Afterward, we went out to eat. I'm pretty tired.
Everyone thinks I was crazy for going to the meet, but I wanted to be there. Jason (age 8 in the 8 and under age group) got 1st in the backstroke and 2nd in the 50 free. Valerie (age 11 in the 12 and under age group) got 4th in the 50 fly, 5th in the 100 IM, and 10th in 50 free.
I'm too tired to write more right now but I will say that I'm pretty worried about the sides of my chest - under my arms. It's really swollen there and numb. I can understand why the left side might be trouble because they took out 3 lymph nodes on that side. I don't know why I'm having the same problem on the right side, though. I still have the drains in and I wonder if they aren't doing a good enough job.
I'm also starting to feel the emotional part of all of this. I suspect that will kick in even more later. Maybe it helps that I'm wrapped up most of the time. Also, I do have little bumps that are not that different from how I used to feel in a tight sports bra.
I'm going to change into more comfy clothes now and then take my meds and go to bed. I'm way past tired and on the way to sick, I think. Unfortunately, I can't sleep very many hours before my back starts to spasm and rebel against the constant sleeping on my back. This morning I didn't sleep much after 4am. Every 15 minutes or so I kept trying to stretch to fix my back so I could sleep more.
Let's hope for a good 7 or 8 hours tonight.
Everyone thinks I was crazy for going to the meet, but I wanted to be there. Jason (age 8 in the 8 and under age group) got 1st in the backstroke and 2nd in the 50 free. Valerie (age 11 in the 12 and under age group) got 4th in the 50 fly, 5th in the 100 IM, and 10th in 50 free.
I'm too tired to write more right now but I will say that I'm pretty worried about the sides of my chest - under my arms. It's really swollen there and numb. I can understand why the left side might be trouble because they took out 3 lymph nodes on that side. I don't know why I'm having the same problem on the right side, though. I still have the drains in and I wonder if they aren't doing a good enough job.
I'm also starting to feel the emotional part of all of this. I suspect that will kick in even more later. Maybe it helps that I'm wrapped up most of the time. Also, I do have little bumps that are not that different from how I used to feel in a tight sports bra.
I'm going to change into more comfy clothes now and then take my meds and go to bed. I'm way past tired and on the way to sick, I think. Unfortunately, I can't sleep very many hours before my back starts to spasm and rebel against the constant sleeping on my back. This morning I didn't sleep much after 4am. Every 15 minutes or so I kept trying to stretch to fix my back so I could sleep more.
Let's hope for a good 7 or 8 hours tonight.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Feeling better
I'm feeling better this morning. The cramps and gas are gone. Now it's just the usual pain that comes from the wounds and drains. I heard from many women that the worst part was the drains and I'd have to agree. I really do hate them. Then again, after hearing what Beth is going through post-drains, I'm glad I still have them in. I still have some swelling anyway, so we'll be talking with the docs about that next week.
My appointment with the surgical oncologist is on Wednesday and on Thursday I meet with the plastic surgeon. Currently I look and feel lopsided, but I'm trying not to worry about it because it might just be the placement of the temporary expanders. It is difficult to ignore though. I wonder if the left expander broke and they will have to go back in for more surgery. I certainly hope not. I'm not real good at this surgery thing.
Dad just left for the airport this morning. Mom has decided to stay another week to help out. It has been great to have them here to care for me, offer support, run kids around, and even get a few more things done on our basement project. I've been able to be downstairs several times since surgery and it is really nice to be there. It makes me smile to see all that we have done and how nice it is looking.
The kids are coming home sometime today and it will be great to see them. I'd better go get some rest now, though because I'll need to have some energy for them.
My appointment with the surgical oncologist is on Wednesday and on Thursday I meet with the plastic surgeon. Currently I look and feel lopsided, but I'm trying not to worry about it because it might just be the placement of the temporary expanders. It is difficult to ignore though. I wonder if the left expander broke and they will have to go back in for more surgery. I certainly hope not. I'm not real good at this surgery thing.
Dad just left for the airport this morning. Mom has decided to stay another week to help out. It has been great to have them here to care for me, offer support, run kids around, and even get a few more things done on our basement project. I've been able to be downstairs several times since surgery and it is really nice to be there. It makes me smile to see all that we have done and how nice it is looking.
The kids are coming home sometime today and it will be great to see them. I'd better go get some rest now, though because I'll need to have some energy for them.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Sick today
Until today, I thought I was doing pretty well. Today has not been good. I skipped a pain pill and took an Aleve instead. That was not wise. Also I'm sick to my stomach, have reflux, and major cramps. Mom thinks the pills are really messing up my digestive system.
I'm shakey, have a major headache most of the time, and feel like I'm completely full of gas from my feet to the top of my head. I'm also swollen like Beth was talking about but I still have my drains in place. I'm not sure why I'm so swollen.
I can't write anymore. I need to go lay down and do nothing. Feeling terrible.
I'm shakey, have a major headache most of the time, and feel like I'm completely full of gas from my feet to the top of my head. I'm also swollen like Beth was talking about but I still have my drains in place. I'm not sure why I'm so swollen.
I can't write anymore. I need to go lay down and do nothing. Feeling terrible.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Happy Thanksgiving
The kids went to Ken's sister's house in Dayton to celebrate Thanksgiving. Initially, Val was reluctant to go, but after I explained that I'd be sleeping most of the day, she went to Dayton and is having fun. We expect them back on Saturday.
Ken, Mom, Dad, and I stayed here and ordered Thanksgiving meal from Cracker Barrel. It was very nice and relaxing.
Although it's been a rough 6 weeks or so, I am still very thankful that
Didn't get out for a walk today. However, I got my dressings changed and read a book for a few hours. Thanks to all your love and support, I'm taking small steps back to the land of the living.
Ken, Mom, Dad, and I stayed here and ordered Thanksgiving meal from Cracker Barrel. It was very nice and relaxing.
Although it's been a rough 6 weeks or so, I am still very thankful that
- I have so many loving family and friends,
- My family is blessed with good health and kind hearts,
- I live in a city with an excellent cancer hospital,
- I have a great job with supportive and fun colleagues and bosses,
- My cancer was caught early enough that the lymph nodes were clear,
- I'm strong enough physically and mentally to get through all this.
Didn't get out for a walk today. However, I got my dressings changed and read a book for a few hours. Thanks to all your love and support, I'm taking small steps back to the land of the living.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
One mile walk
Hey all, I just got back from a mile walk with my parents. We went very slowly, but it was a great day to be out. Mom kept trying to get me to take a short cut or head back, but I didn't have my Garmin on and I wanted to know how far we went. So followed the 1 mile loop I meaured off years ago. It was nice to get outside.
I'm still dizzy and weak, but doing as well as can be expected now.
I'm still dizzy and weak, but doing as well as can be expected now.
Doing okay
All is going well so far today. Lots of pain, but able to be up and around. Actually, it is better for me to be out of bed. It hurts less and is not as frustrating. I'm still having lots of pain getting in and out of bed. Ken thinks I'm crazy because I haven't used the walkie-talkie yet. This morning, I had to get up to the bathroom and found a way to get out of the bed by myself. Certainly not easy.
Ken helped me do some stretching last night and that helped a lot. My muscles are all tightened up these days - even worse than normal, if you can imagine that. I'm far from flexible in normal circumstances.
I'm not sleeping as well these days because it's uncomfortable (understatement) to be in bed. I'm like a baby because I'm up every few hours needing something - bathroom, water, meds, pillow redistribution, etc. I was up at about 6am this morning and got out of bed to eat, take meds, and talked wtih the kids before school. Then the meds kicked in and I went back to bed and slept until about 10:30.
Ken just washed my hair. We took great care to keep everything neck and down dry. I wore an OSU poncho with a towel around my neck and I was very glad it all worked out fine. Since I can't take a shower, we used the hand-held shower head in the kids' bathroom and I leaned over the tub while he did a quick hair washing. Beth was right, I feel much better with it being washed. I don't have my usual gel in it or anything, but it looks okay and is clean at the very least. I hope that wasn't too much of a strain on me. It didn't hurt anymore than just moving about the house.
Now it's time to have some pulled pork Bob brought over. Mom's making a salad to go with it. So I've got to sign off today. Besides, it is very tough to type. My fingers keep hitting the wrong letters and I'm doing lots of backspacing and deleting.
Oh well, I'm still just taking this one moment at a time because it's tough enough to just manage the pain. I have to sleep on my back which is doing a number on my neck. Ouch! It also hurts a lot in the places where they cut the muscle in my chest.
Overall, it's coming along okay, though.
- Kelly
Ken helped me do some stretching last night and that helped a lot. My muscles are all tightened up these days - even worse than normal, if you can imagine that. I'm far from flexible in normal circumstances.
I'm not sleeping as well these days because it's uncomfortable (understatement) to be in bed. I'm like a baby because I'm up every few hours needing something - bathroom, water, meds, pillow redistribution, etc. I was up at about 6am this morning and got out of bed to eat, take meds, and talked wtih the kids before school. Then the meds kicked in and I went back to bed and slept until about 10:30.
Ken just washed my hair. We took great care to keep everything neck and down dry. I wore an OSU poncho with a towel around my neck and I was very glad it all worked out fine. Since I can't take a shower, we used the hand-held shower head in the kids' bathroom and I leaned over the tub while he did a quick hair washing. Beth was right, I feel much better with it being washed. I don't have my usual gel in it or anything, but it looks okay and is clean at the very least. I hope that wasn't too much of a strain on me. It didn't hurt anymore than just moving about the house.
Now it's time to have some pulled pork Bob brought over. Mom's making a salad to go with it. So I've got to sign off today. Besides, it is very tough to type. My fingers keep hitting the wrong letters and I'm doing lots of backspacing and deleting.
Oh well, I'm still just taking this one moment at a time because it's tough enough to just manage the pain. I have to sleep on my back which is doing a number on my neck. Ouch! It also hurts a lot in the places where they cut the muscle in my chest.
Overall, it's coming along okay, though.
- Kelly
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Update from Kelly
Hi everyone! Kelly here. I'm on major pain meds and sore, sleepy, and annoyed that I can't even get out of bed without help. It's been wonderful to have my parents here to help. Mom is handling dinner for the family and working with Ken to learn how to care for these terrible drains and other "nursing" I need. Dad is running the kids from one event to another as well as taking Mom to join the group waiting for news during/after surgery. Lots of others came, too, I hear. Ken's parents and sister, Bob, Dave S, Nancy, Eunice, Olga, Jean, Brian and Dave M were here. I was totally out of it most of the day Monday and Tuesday (today) so I didn't see them all.
This will be kind of short because I find that I can't type worth a dime right now either.
Anyway, I'm sure you all got the good news from Ken. He has been posting blogs for me to let you know how it's going. Really, it's been the best case scenario. They are pretty sure they got all of the cancer and pre-cancer cells. The 3 lymph nodes they took out were clear (no cancer). More studies on the lymph nodes and breast tissue will be required before we will know for sure. However, I guess you never know if a stray cell made it elsewhere and we can’t see it. I don’t think so though. I’m pretty sure the toughest parts will be behind me in a few months. I’ll require at least one other surgery, though to put in permanent implants. I’m sooooooooo over this surgery thing!
Emotionally, I’m not really able to deal with this at all yet. That’s probably a good thing or all the crying would just make matters worse. Right now, I’m just dealing with pain on a moment by moment basis.
Well, I can’t type well or keep my eyes open any longer. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. It seems they are working.
This will be kind of short because I find that I can't type worth a dime right now either.
Anyway, I'm sure you all got the good news from Ken. He has been posting blogs for me to let you know how it's going. Really, it's been the best case scenario. They are pretty sure they got all of the cancer and pre-cancer cells. The 3 lymph nodes they took out were clear (no cancer). More studies on the lymph nodes and breast tissue will be required before we will know for sure. However, I guess you never know if a stray cell made it elsewhere and we can’t see it. I don’t think so though. I’m pretty sure the toughest parts will be behind me in a few months. I’ll require at least one other surgery, though to put in permanent implants. I’m sooooooooo over this surgery thing!
Emotionally, I’m not really able to deal with this at all yet. That’s probably a good thing or all the crying would just make matters worse. Right now, I’m just dealing with pain on a moment by moment basis.
Well, I can’t type well or keep my eyes open any longer. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. It seems they are working.
We're Home!
We're home!! Kelly received her discharge papers a little after 3pm today and we drove out of the parking garage around 4pm. Amazingly that's less than 24 hours after Kelly got out of surgery.
The kids and our nephews had made cards at my sister's house last weekend and the cards were hanging up all over the house when we got home. Valerie and Jason also wrote many great messages on the driveway in chalk so we'd see them when we arrived. Needless to say, everyone's very excited to have Kelly home. I'll publish pics of the chalk art and cards tomorrow.
Everyone's heading to bed early - it's been a good day :-)
The kids and our nephews had made cards at my sister's house last weekend and the cards were hanging up all over the house when we got home. Valerie and Jason also wrote many great messages on the driveway in chalk so we'd see them when we arrived. Needless to say, everyone's very excited to have Kelly home. I'll publish pics of the chalk art and cards tomorrow.
Everyone's heading to bed early - it's been a good day :-)
Hitting milestones . . .
Things continue to go well with Kelly's recuperation. She was able to eat both breakfast and lunch today which is her first solid food since Sunday. She also made four laps around the nurses station (increasing her pace each time) and I though she was about to break out into a run :-) Kelly's optimistic that she's going to be discharged today - she can't wait to get home and relax there.
She's still having issues with pain and muscle cramping but we're working hard to keep her on a consistent timeline for her medications. It's a long road to recovery but she's making solid first steps. I'm extremely proud of her!!!
She's still having issues with pain and muscle cramping but we're working hard to keep her on a consistent timeline for her medications. It's a long road to recovery but she's making solid first steps. I'm extremely proud of her!!!
Monday, November 23, 2009
Resting
Kelly's out of the recovery room and is resting quietly. We were lucky enough to get a private room (thanks Cindy!) so I'll be staying here overnight. She's still very groggy and has slept most of the time but has woken up briefly a couple of times. From the minute we arrived this morning everything has gone smoothly. Each stage has been on time and she was only in surgery for four hours (they thought it might take 5 or more). Day one and things are going well . . .
Surgery went well!
Hi everyone - Ken (Kelly's husband) here today. Kelly had her surgery this afternoon and everything went very well. Her surgeon came to talk to us around 2:30pm to let us know he was done with his part and that the plastic surgeon was working on Kelly. He let us know the surgery went smoothly and that they didn't find anything unexpected. The initial lymph node biopsy came back clear which means no cancer cells were found in it. Although they'll need to do a full pathology report on lymph node, this is extremely good news. A clear lymph node means that it's likely the cancer hasn't spread elsewhere - hurray! They'll also do a full pathology report on the cancer site which will take approx 5 business days. We'll find out more next week (maybe Wednesday) when we have Kelly's follow-up appointment with her surgeon.
The plastic surgeon came down around 4:30pm to let us know that Kelly was out of surgery and was now in the recovery room. Again, his part of the surgery went very well and he was able to partially fill the expanders which means Kelly will save 2 or 3 weeks of having the expanders filled after the fact.
We've had tremendous support from family, friends and coworkers. Kelly's parents, my parents and sister, two college roommates, and two cousins were here throughout the day to support me as we waited. Eunice, Olga and Nancy from work stopped and visited this afternoon as well as Sheila (former coworker/friend) and Cindy (Jason's best friend's mom).
Thanks again to everyone for your love, support and prayers. Words cannot express how much it has meant to Kelly, the kids, and me. I'll write again later once Kelly's out of the recovery room.
The plastic surgeon came down around 4:30pm to let us know that Kelly was out of surgery and was now in the recovery room. Again, his part of the surgery went very well and he was able to partially fill the expanders which means Kelly will save 2 or 3 weeks of having the expanders filled after the fact.
We've had tremendous support from family, friends and coworkers. Kelly's parents, my parents and sister, two college roommates, and two cousins were here throughout the day to support me as we waited. Eunice, Olga and Nancy from work stopped and visited this afternoon as well as Sheila (former coworker/friend) and Cindy (Jason's best friend's mom).
Thanks again to everyone for your love, support and prayers. Words cannot express how much it has meant to Kelly, the kids, and me. I'll write again later once Kelly's out of the recovery room.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Tomorrow
Ran again today. Did two miles at 10:24 and 10:38. It was another incredible day, 50s and sunny, and I listened to more of a Steverunner podcast.
I also did some errands with my parents, helped plan food for the next week or so, and welcomed friends who came to visit. Jeff and Jen came by with a huge gift basket with all kinds of wonderful things and sat and talked quite a while. As they were leaving, our neighbors dropped by with fruit and chocolate. And a short while after that, Ken's old roommate Bob came by with a lot of food and good wishes. I also had calls or emails from my brother, sister-in-law, Jim, Lee Ann, Bonnie, Michelle, and probably several others I'm forgetting as I'm starting to get nervous about getting packed and ready to go. I didn't read the whole breast cancer surgery booklet they gave me (which, by the way, they should have given me 6 weeks ago since it has MUCH more information than the garbage they gave me then!). So I'm not completely prepared for this process. Then again, maybe that's best. What else do I need? Just me. If I get there on time, I've done my part.
Bob and another one of Ken's college roommates, Dave, plan to come to the hospital to wait out the surgery with Ken, his parents, and my mother. My father will hold down the fort at home and get the kids off to school and then to either piano or swimming afterward, whichever they decide to do depending on the homework situation.
I had a long talk with Valerie tonight. She is very emotional and very worried. She made me explain everything about the surgeries, like why I would have 2 doctors, and she knows about lymph nodes and such. She was adamant that I make Ken tell her what is really going on once he knows. She needs to know too. She doesn't want things hidden from her even if we think she won't want to know. As long as we are honest with her about this all, I think she will trust us more and handle this better. She won't always be waiting for something unknown and scary to happen. She'll be prepared. I understand that. I'm exactly the same way.
So, tomorrow's the big day. Bilateral mastectomy with the first stage of reconstruction. Ken or Lee Ann will update the blog when we know something. There may be more than one post if they know things at different times. In the meantime, thank you all for your thoughts and prayers.
I also did some errands with my parents, helped plan food for the next week or so, and welcomed friends who came to visit. Jeff and Jen came by with a huge gift basket with all kinds of wonderful things and sat and talked quite a while. As they were leaving, our neighbors dropped by with fruit and chocolate. And a short while after that, Ken's old roommate Bob came by with a lot of food and good wishes. I also had calls or emails from my brother, sister-in-law, Jim, Lee Ann, Bonnie, Michelle, and probably several others I'm forgetting as I'm starting to get nervous about getting packed and ready to go. I didn't read the whole breast cancer surgery booklet they gave me (which, by the way, they should have given me 6 weeks ago since it has MUCH more information than the garbage they gave me then!). So I'm not completely prepared for this process. Then again, maybe that's best. What else do I need? Just me. If I get there on time, I've done my part.
Bob and another one of Ken's college roommates, Dave, plan to come to the hospital to wait out the surgery with Ken, his parents, and my mother. My father will hold down the fort at home and get the kids off to school and then to either piano or swimming afterward, whichever they decide to do depending on the homework situation.
I had a long talk with Valerie tonight. She is very emotional and very worried. She made me explain everything about the surgeries, like why I would have 2 doctors, and she knows about lymph nodes and such. She was adamant that I make Ken tell her what is really going on once he knows. She needs to know too. She doesn't want things hidden from her even if we think she won't want to know. As long as we are honest with her about this all, I think she will trust us more and handle this better. She won't always be waiting for something unknown and scary to happen. She'll be prepared. I understand that. I'm exactly the same way.
So, tomorrow's the big day. Bilateral mastectomy with the first stage of reconstruction. Ken or Lee Ann will update the blog when we know something. There may be more than one post if they know things at different times. In the meantime, thank you all for your thoughts and prayers.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Beautiful day
I ran today. Well, kinda. Actually, I alternated the miles walking and running. My miles were 17:28, 10:30, 17:53, 10:22, and 19:48. I didn't want to make myself sore before surgery, so I was careful not to over-do it with exercise today. It was a perfect day to be out though (50s and sunny) and I had quite a bit of time before my parents' plane arrived at 3:15. So I was out enjoying the weather for over an hour. I listened to a couple of Steverunner's podcasts as I often do when exercising.
I got some gifts from family and friends that I haven't mentioned yet this week. My aunt sent an ultra-soft PJ set with a button top. My mother-in-law sent a whole bunch of teas that will be wonderful and soothing. I don't drink coffee, but I love tea. My mom brought several sweat outfits and button tops along with some hot chocolate. And Mom's bosses and colleagues got me the Courage Willow Tree Angel. Thank you, everyone.
The only other noteworthy news is that OSU beat Michigan today. Yea!
I got some gifts from family and friends that I haven't mentioned yet this week. My aunt sent an ultra-soft PJ set with a button top. My mother-in-law sent a whole bunch of teas that will be wonderful and soothing. I don't drink coffee, but I love tea. My mom brought several sweat outfits and button tops along with some hot chocolate. And Mom's bosses and colleagues got me the Courage Willow Tree Angel. Thank you, everyone.
The only other noteworthy news is that OSU beat Michigan today. Yea!
Friday and counting
My last day at work was today and that was such a weird feeling. I know it's not my last day at work ever, but it felt so strange and final. The next time I go back into the office will be post-surgery. It will probably be 2010, too. Crazy. Luckily I was able to get everything done that was pressing and I passed several important things on to capable hands. Now I have no monkeys on my back as I go in to this surgery. That's a very good feeling.
Today I was blessed with many well-wishers and got cards, more books and movies, and felt very good all day. I also left early so I could run up to Hope's Boutique to purchase a post-surgery bra with front zipper closure and velcro straps. Right now, it seems like a really nice and soft one, but I have a feeling I'll absolutely hate it by this time next week. One very cool thing is that the store (which is part of the James Hospital, or affilated somehow) charged the $65 bra to my insurance. I wasn't expecting that perk at all. I know I'll pay for it eventually or I already have in premiums, but it's still very nice to not have to shell out the money for it right now. I'm so glad I took the time to get up there to get it.
It was good to connect with David and Becky tonight. We went out for dinner and talked a lot about my cancer situation, her mother who recently past away, health care in general, their really cool agility dogs, my kids, and running. Becky did the Komen tri this year (the one my dentist was challenging me to do yesterday) and the same half marathon as I did in October 2008. Becky is giving me a little more slack than my dentist and is offering 2011 for dragging me along to do the Komen tri. She's a tough cookie, that's for sure.
My parents flight arrives tomorrow and the kids and Ken will go to Dayton for my nephew's birthday party. The time is just flying by now. I've got just 2 more days before my body changes significantly. It's weird to feel 100% fine right now and to know I'll be incredibly sick and in pain in just a few days. And I'm doing this why?!?!? I know, I know. I'm doing this for life . . . . to greatly increase my chance of being there for my kids as they grow up . . . . for being able to grow old with my husband.
Lee Ann was very supportive tonight too. I talked with her on my way home from David and Becky's house. She encourged me and told me it was okay however I responded to this challenge. She said that it would be okay if I wanted to be in a funk for three days or for nine months. We also talked about the tough time I had during my child bearing years. She said I was older and wiser and this time I was prepared for a similar response in myself and that makes this time different. I'll know that I can get out of it when I'm ready. I can see her points and am swayed by her arguments. I also very much appreciate her support.
It's late on Friday night, actually it's Saturday morning. Time is really flying by so quickly at this point. I'm still scared but doing much better and am sure of my decision. I'm so glad I wasn't born during a time that would put me in my 40s when the breast cancer screening didn't start until age 50! I'd be in a totally different situation if it didn't get caught for another 7 years. My prognosis would not be good. I'd be one of those the bean counters would just write off as a casuality because less screening is better for the greater good even if it takes my life. I'm still just reeling from that concept. Get your mammograms. Don't listen to the bean counters!
Today I was blessed with many well-wishers and got cards, more books and movies, and felt very good all day. I also left early so I could run up to Hope's Boutique to purchase a post-surgery bra with front zipper closure and velcro straps. Right now, it seems like a really nice and soft one, but I have a feeling I'll absolutely hate it by this time next week. One very cool thing is that the store (which is part of the James Hospital, or affilated somehow) charged the $65 bra to my insurance. I wasn't expecting that perk at all. I know I'll pay for it eventually or I already have in premiums, but it's still very nice to not have to shell out the money for it right now. I'm so glad I took the time to get up there to get it.
It was good to connect with David and Becky tonight. We went out for dinner and talked a lot about my cancer situation, her mother who recently past away, health care in general, their really cool agility dogs, my kids, and running. Becky did the Komen tri this year (the one my dentist was challenging me to do yesterday) and the same half marathon as I did in October 2008. Becky is giving me a little more slack than my dentist and is offering 2011 for dragging me along to do the Komen tri. She's a tough cookie, that's for sure.
My parents flight arrives tomorrow and the kids and Ken will go to Dayton for my nephew's birthday party. The time is just flying by now. I've got just 2 more days before my body changes significantly. It's weird to feel 100% fine right now and to know I'll be incredibly sick and in pain in just a few days. And I'm doing this why?!?!? I know, I know. I'm doing this for life . . . . to greatly increase my chance of being there for my kids as they grow up . . . . for being able to grow old with my husband.
Lee Ann was very supportive tonight too. I talked with her on my way home from David and Becky's house. She encourged me and told me it was okay however I responded to this challenge. She said that it would be okay if I wanted to be in a funk for three days or for nine months. We also talked about the tough time I had during my child bearing years. She said I was older and wiser and this time I was prepared for a similar response in myself and that makes this time different. I'll know that I can get out of it when I'm ready. I can see her points and am swayed by her arguments. I also very much appreciate her support.
It's late on Friday night, actually it's Saturday morning. Time is really flying by so quickly at this point. I'm still scared but doing much better and am sure of my decision. I'm so glad I wasn't born during a time that would put me in my 40s when the breast cancer screening didn't start until age 50! I'd be in a totally different situation if it didn't get caught for another 7 years. My prognosis would not be good. I'd be one of those the bean counters would just write off as a casuality because less screening is better for the greater good even if it takes my life. I'm still just reeling from that concept. Get your mammograms. Don't listen to the bean counters!
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Still zoomin'!
I'm feeling pretty good today. I've been progressively getting better at accepting the reality of this all and being less emotional. I talked with several people about the upcoming surgery today and I thought I sounded like I had it figured out. I convinced even myself, and I'm a hard sell.
One of the people I talked with today was my dentist. We've known each other for many years, even prior to having kids, and we played on opposing softball teams for a couple of seasons. If you look at the comments in my blog post prior to this one, you'll see she is challenging me to do a Komen athletic event - an all-female triathlon in June. Those of you who know me well know that I don't cycle. At all. I'm terrible on the bike. However, Ken thinks it's a great idea because it would give me a goal, get me to cross-train (perhaps I can cycle when I can't run), and it's a short enough distance to be doable. Maybe he's right. I'll think about it and see how I'm doing. Although the cycling sounds impossible now, the swimming will probably be most affected by my surgeries. It's crazy to think about myself as being weak in upper body strength, that's usually where I've got an advantage. So many changes.
I got more work done in the office (and a little from home) today - still zoomin' along. I'm following advice of many people and leadership and culture workshops. I'm being here now. Living in the moment. I'm not thinking about the pain of Monday and beyond. I'm going to deal with what I'm facing now. I've done all the advance planning and preparation that I can do and now it's time to just sit back and go with it. I have faith and trust that it will all work out.
I am also relying on many people to help me through this and I thank you all for your part in that. Even if you're just taking the time to read the blog, you're helping me. I smile when I see the flag counter each day.
At work, Eunice has sent out a request at work for people to sign up to make us food for the week after Thanksgiving. Many colleagues have given me books and movies to help distract me while I'm home. Even more have tracked me down to offer support, remind me that I'm doing the right thing, and encourage me that I'm strong and can do this. My AVP (boss) has also been incredibly supportive and has helped me deal with this tough situation by giving me support and flexibility as well as by not allowing me to lose sight of what I have to offer at work.
At home, Ken has been incredibly supportive by giving me lots of time to work, connect with friends, write in the blog, etc. and he has taken on pretty much all of the work at home. He also has been a source of incredible emotional support. My kids have been great, too. Valerie got me water in a crystal glass today. She's always doing things to pamper me and to help. Jason is very good about showing his love for me every day, too. My parents are arriving on Saturday. Ken's parents and his sister's family cancelled Thanksgiving travel plans to stay nearby to help and support me and my family. Ken's parents are going to be here for the surgery part too and since Jan is a recently retired surgical nurse, she can help us all understand what is going on and will ask all the right questions.
Long-time and newer friends are making special efforts to connect with me, too. Jim is sending supportive emails and making funny comments in my blog to make me smile. I'm having dinner with David and Becky tomorrow night. Lee Ann is has offered to update the blog if Ken can't get to it. I'm even getting emails from long-time family friends who are offering assistance and support despite the fact that I haven't been good at staying in touch.
Thank you, everyone! Surgery is soon - Monday. Keep up those prayers and healing vibes!
One of the people I talked with today was my dentist. We've known each other for many years, even prior to having kids, and we played on opposing softball teams for a couple of seasons. If you look at the comments in my blog post prior to this one, you'll see she is challenging me to do a Komen athletic event - an all-female triathlon in June. Those of you who know me well know that I don't cycle. At all. I'm terrible on the bike. However, Ken thinks it's a great idea because it would give me a goal, get me to cross-train (perhaps I can cycle when I can't run), and it's a short enough distance to be doable. Maybe he's right. I'll think about it and see how I'm doing. Although the cycling sounds impossible now, the swimming will probably be most affected by my surgeries. It's crazy to think about myself as being weak in upper body strength, that's usually where I've got an advantage. So many changes.
I got more work done in the office (and a little from home) today - still zoomin' along. I'm following advice of many people and leadership and culture workshops. I'm being here now. Living in the moment. I'm not thinking about the pain of Monday and beyond. I'm going to deal with what I'm facing now. I've done all the advance planning and preparation that I can do and now it's time to just sit back and go with it. I have faith and trust that it will all work out.
I am also relying on many people to help me through this and I thank you all for your part in that. Even if you're just taking the time to read the blog, you're helping me. I smile when I see the flag counter each day.
At work, Eunice has sent out a request at work for people to sign up to make us food for the week after Thanksgiving. Many colleagues have given me books and movies to help distract me while I'm home. Even more have tracked me down to offer support, remind me that I'm doing the right thing, and encourage me that I'm strong and can do this. My AVP (boss) has also been incredibly supportive and has helped me deal with this tough situation by giving me support and flexibility as well as by not allowing me to lose sight of what I have to offer at work.
At home, Ken has been incredibly supportive by giving me lots of time to work, connect with friends, write in the blog, etc. and he has taken on pretty much all of the work at home. He also has been a source of incredible emotional support. My kids have been great, too. Valerie got me water in a crystal glass today. She's always doing things to pamper me and to help. Jason is very good about showing his love for me every day, too. My parents are arriving on Saturday. Ken's parents and his sister's family cancelled Thanksgiving travel plans to stay nearby to help and support me and my family. Ken's parents are going to be here for the surgery part too and since Jan is a recently retired surgical nurse, she can help us all understand what is going on and will ask all the right questions.
Long-time and newer friends are making special efforts to connect with me, too. Jim is sending supportive emails and making funny comments in my blog to make me smile. I'm having dinner with David and Becky tomorrow night. Lee Ann is has offered to update the blog if Ken can't get to it. I'm even getting emails from long-time family friends who are offering assistance and support despite the fact that I haven't been good at staying in touch.
Thank you, everyone! Surgery is soon - Monday. Keep up those prayers and healing vibes!
Getting things done
I worked late tonight, but accomplished MUCH today. The two primary items I needed to complete before taking medical leave are now done. I still have two work days filled with meetings and clean-up work, but the "drive" to complete the major tasks is done. Ahhh, that feels good.
Yesterday, I had a great email from a friend who had a mastectomy last year and it was so nice to hear her story. I really have been meaning to call her, but I just haven't made the time yet. I also made a new connection with someone who I think had a prophylactic bilateral mastectomy. We will probaby trade emails too.
Time is starting to get shorter and shorter. I know I won't get everything done that I'd like to in the next few days. The house is a mess, though Ken is keeping up with it much better than I am. Oh well, I guess that's the way it goes. It's bed time now. Good night!
Yesterday, I had a great email from a friend who had a mastectomy last year and it was so nice to hear her story. I really have been meaning to call her, but I just haven't made the time yet. I also made a new connection with someone who I think had a prophylactic bilateral mastectomy. We will probaby trade emails too.
Time is starting to get shorter and shorter. I know I won't get everything done that I'd like to in the next few days. The house is a mess, though Ken is keeping up with it much better than I am. Oh well, I guess that's the way it goes. It's bed time now. Good night!
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Good day
Great day today. I didn't get a chance to run, but I walked a lot. It was gorgous outside and I was really glad I wore my trail running shoes today as I walked across campus to the doctor's office and back. So nice to take that time. Also, I seem to be doing better about accepting my treatment decision and internalizing that it is primarily proactive. I'm talking much better about it, certainly. I cry much less too.
I met with the cancer pychologist and we had a great talk today. Talked about realizations since last week, the benefits of yoga, and body image. She challenged me to breathe better. I seem to hold my breath a lot right now - it's a stress reaction that does not help the stress at all. She also challenged me to live only in th present, not the future and to walk a lot after surgery. Of course, I can't do walk the first day, but when I can physically do it, she believes it will help me to get out and walk.
Later in the afternoon I met with my ob/gyn for the first time in this ordeal. He is so great. He came right in and started talking with me about what has gone on this whole 6 weeks and was very supportive and caring. He was my doctor through both pregnancies (so about 12 years now) and has been my favorite doctor of any kind. I didn't tell him how I struggled with my treatment decision but he seemed to understand at the same time as making it obvious he didn't think any other choice but the bilateral mastectomy made sense. He also talked very passionately about all the garbage in the news right now about how women under 50 shouldn't get mammograms. He is livid about that and talked about how those "ivory tower" people just wrote me off. So true.
The evening I spent with some very good girlfriends who I don't see often enough. We talked about everything - work, life balance, exercise, health, breast cancer, leadership, dogs, movies, broadway shows, etc. It was wonderful of Anne to set up this meeting for us before I'm out on leave. Thank you, all!
I met with the cancer pychologist and we had a great talk today. Talked about realizations since last week, the benefits of yoga, and body image. She challenged me to breathe better. I seem to hold my breath a lot right now - it's a stress reaction that does not help the stress at all. She also challenged me to live only in th present, not the future and to walk a lot after surgery. Of course, I can't do walk the first day, but when I can physically do it, she believes it will help me to get out and walk.
Later in the afternoon I met with my ob/gyn for the first time in this ordeal. He is so great. He came right in and started talking with me about what has gone on this whole 6 weeks and was very supportive and caring. He was my doctor through both pregnancies (so about 12 years now) and has been my favorite doctor of any kind. I didn't tell him how I struggled with my treatment decision but he seemed to understand at the same time as making it obvious he didn't think any other choice but the bilateral mastectomy made sense. He also talked very passionately about all the garbage in the news right now about how women under 50 shouldn't get mammograms. He is livid about that and talked about how those "ivory tower" people just wrote me off. So true.
The evening I spent with some very good girlfriends who I don't see often enough. We talked about everything - work, life balance, exercise, health, breast cancer, leadership, dogs, movies, broadway shows, etc. It was wonderful of Anne to set up this meeting for us before I'm out on leave. Thank you, all!
Monday, November 16, 2009
Gifts
I spent most of the day and evening trying to get work done so I can relax as much as possible heading into the surgery. I'm making progress and hope to get a lot done this week.
Mom is getting me the camisole Beth recommended in her blog. If you can think of anything else I should take to the hospital or to have at home when I return, please let me know. I probably won't be needing the deck of cards Ken and I took to the hospital when Jason was born. :-) My grandmother still laughs when she tells this story. The day after Jason was born, Ken and I called her to double-check on the counting of a cribbage hand. We were so much more relaxed with the second baby!
Today I got a wonderful gift in the mail. Ken's aunt and uncle sent me a glass and gold "Healing Angel" holding a cancer awareness ribbon. Below is a picture of it that I found on the web, but it doesn't really do it justice. In the fancy box was the script:
Healing Angel
The mission of this Angel's watch
Is hope we'll find a cure;
For all the ills that face our lives,
Through faith, we will endure.
Thank you, Carm and Dave!
Mom is getting me the camisole Beth recommended in her blog. If you can think of anything else I should take to the hospital or to have at home when I return, please let me know. I probably won't be needing the deck of cards Ken and I took to the hospital when Jason was born. :-) My grandmother still laughs when she tells this story. The day after Jason was born, Ken and I called her to double-check on the counting of a cribbage hand. We were so much more relaxed with the second baby!
Today I got a wonderful gift in the mail. Ken's aunt and uncle sent me a glass and gold "Healing Angel" holding a cancer awareness ribbon. Below is a picture of it that I found on the web, but it doesn't really do it justice. In the fancy box was the script:
Healing Angel
The mission of this Angel's watch
Is hope we'll find a cure;
For all the ills that face our lives,
Through faith, we will endure.
Thank you, Carm and Dave!
Supportive emails
I got several supportive emails today.
The first email was from an old family friend. In addition to giving me updates on her family, Jenny wrote that she checked with several nurse friends who told her I've made a very wise decision in deciding to have both breasts removed. She went on to recognize that the recovery time will seem very long, but encouraged me to hang in there and do what the docs tell me, including any recommended therapy. Since I'm having a tough time accepting this decision, it was certainly good to hear someone thinks it is wise. If I remember correctly, when I was growing up with her kids, Jenny was a nurse too.
Another email was from one of Ken's cousins who sent me the lyrics of a song from church today, Be Not Afraid. It was really nice to know she was thinking of me and offered that support.
Two other emails were from colleagues who recently found out about my diagnosis and offered prayers and support.
We had another good family day today with swim practice, going out to Damon's, and spending some good time together. I tried to prep Jason a little by telling him my surgery is in a week and that I'll be hurting a lot and sleeping a lot afterward. He asked if I would want him to come and see me in bed, I said that would be nice to get some lovin' from him sometimes. He seemed to like that.
The first email was from an old family friend. In addition to giving me updates on her family, Jenny wrote that she checked with several nurse friends who told her I've made a very wise decision in deciding to have both breasts removed. She went on to recognize that the recovery time will seem very long, but encouraged me to hang in there and do what the docs tell me, including any recommended therapy. Since I'm having a tough time accepting this decision, it was certainly good to hear someone thinks it is wise. If I remember correctly, when I was growing up with her kids, Jenny was a nurse too.
Another email was from one of Ken's cousins who sent me the lyrics of a song from church today, Be Not Afraid. It was really nice to know she was thinking of me and offered that support.
Two other emails were from colleagues who recently found out about my diagnosis and offered prayers and support.
We had another good family day today with swim practice, going out to Damon's, and spending some good time together. I tried to prep Jason a little by telling him my surgery is in a week and that I'll be hurting a lot and sleeping a lot afterward. He asked if I would want him to come and see me in bed, I said that would be nice to get some lovin' from him sometimes. He seemed to like that.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Whining but certainly thankful
Beth is back home from her bilateral mastectomy. To learn a little of what I have in store, see her last couple of posts at http://itsnotcancerbut.blogspot.com/.
So, everyone is asking how I'm doing. I guess I'm mostly scared. I'm scared and I can't stop re-thinking everything. It just seems so middle-ages to cut off body parts. I'm not nearly as "at peace" with the decision as Beth was - or Penny - or anyone I've talked with about this, really.
I am scared of the pain, of the depression, of feeling like I've lost myself, of medication, of crying all the time and scaring my kids, of making a mistake with this life-changing decision. I'm scared of so much related to the surgery. I hate going to doctors and being taken care of and being humiliated through the process. I'm even scared of the little things like needles, catheters, IVs, and drains.
I'm not scared of making it through the surgery, though. I truly believe I've got the best surgeons I can have and I know they will do a good job. They will do as good of a job as can be done.
I am scared about all the after-surgery horrors, especially the meeting with the medical oncologist to hear her tell me whether I should have chemo and/or tamoxifin. I'm scared of the weekly fill of the expanders and the pain associated with that. And I'm scared of my reaction to the results of the reconstruction.
I'm even scared about rehab things. I had trouble with motivation with running before this all happened. I can't imagine that will get easier, harder is more likely.
So enough of all that whining . . . . I guess I use this blog as a way to get it all . . . well, off my chest.
I got a great note from a very dear friend of mine today. He tried to catch me at home, but we were out so he left a note. His family is going through some tough times recently, too and he is really dealing with a lot right now. It meant so much that he stopped by to see me and his note made me cry. I cried, not because I was sad, but because I was touched that he was reaching out and wanting to be there for me. I just can't tell you how much it means to have that kind of support.
Tonight I had a long talk with Valerie, again. It's great that I've had some time to spend with her before the surgery. I hope our talk tonight makes a difference. She's been very emotional and is feeling totally overwhelmed and "lost" right now.
Today we talked mostly about how she is the boss of herself. She is in charge of her thoughts and emotions and actions. She can banish the bad thoughts away. She has the power to make her own map, to throw the "bricks" (her stressors) on the ground, and to just put one foot in front of the other and keep moving. She is in charge. She is not a victim of those thoughts and feelings, she is in charge of them. It just takes practice to learn to be the boss of them.
I thought that message would resonate for her because she likes being the boss. She likes organizing and controlling the world around her. I told her that she can never be a good boss of others if she is not the boss of herself first. We also talked about how she is the good kind of boss because she has a good heart, makes good decisions, and cares about others. I think she latched on to some of the things from our talk and she seems ready to start trying to be the boss of her own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Toward the end, I felt less despair and victim type vibes from her - and heard less of that in her words. She seemed happier and less overwhelmed. It was a good talk.
Also tonight, we had Thanksgiving dinner. Ken's sister suggested that we do it before Thanksgiving, which was brilliant. Ken and Val planned it all and put it together for tonight, Jason helped too. We had a yummy Honey Baked turkey breast with all of the sides made from scratch - impressive! Afterward, we watched a family movie. It was such a good night. I think Val has Thanksgiving celebration things planned for tomorrow too.
So, everyone is asking how I'm doing. I guess I'm mostly scared. I'm scared and I can't stop re-thinking everything. It just seems so middle-ages to cut off body parts. I'm not nearly as "at peace" with the decision as Beth was - or Penny - or anyone I've talked with about this, really.
I am scared of the pain, of the depression, of feeling like I've lost myself, of medication, of crying all the time and scaring my kids, of making a mistake with this life-changing decision. I'm scared of so much related to the surgery. I hate going to doctors and being taken care of and being humiliated through the process. I'm even scared of the little things like needles, catheters, IVs, and drains.
I'm not scared of making it through the surgery, though. I truly believe I've got the best surgeons I can have and I know they will do a good job. They will do as good of a job as can be done.
I am scared about all the after-surgery horrors, especially the meeting with the medical oncologist to hear her tell me whether I should have chemo and/or tamoxifin. I'm scared of the weekly fill of the expanders and the pain associated with that. And I'm scared of my reaction to the results of the reconstruction.
I'm even scared about rehab things. I had trouble with motivation with running before this all happened. I can't imagine that will get easier, harder is more likely.
So enough of all that whining . . . . I guess I use this blog as a way to get it all . . . well, off my chest.
I got a great note from a very dear friend of mine today. He tried to catch me at home, but we were out so he left a note. His family is going through some tough times recently, too and he is really dealing with a lot right now. It meant so much that he stopped by to see me and his note made me cry. I cried, not because I was sad, but because I was touched that he was reaching out and wanting to be there for me. I just can't tell you how much it means to have that kind of support.
Tonight I had a long talk with Valerie, again. It's great that I've had some time to spend with her before the surgery. I hope our talk tonight makes a difference. She's been very emotional and is feeling totally overwhelmed and "lost" right now.
Today we talked mostly about how she is the boss of herself. She is in charge of her thoughts and emotions and actions. She can banish the bad thoughts away. She has the power to make her own map, to throw the "bricks" (her stressors) on the ground, and to just put one foot in front of the other and keep moving. She is in charge. She is not a victim of those thoughts and feelings, she is in charge of them. It just takes practice to learn to be the boss of them.
I thought that message would resonate for her because she likes being the boss. She likes organizing and controlling the world around her. I told her that she can never be a good boss of others if she is not the boss of herself first. We also talked about how she is the good kind of boss because she has a good heart, makes good decisions, and cares about others. I think she latched on to some of the things from our talk and she seems ready to start trying to be the boss of her own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Toward the end, I felt less despair and victim type vibes from her - and heard less of that in her words. She seemed happier and less overwhelmed. It was a good talk.
Also tonight, we had Thanksgiving dinner. Ken's sister suggested that we do it before Thanksgiving, which was brilliant. Ken and Val planned it all and put it together for tonight, Jason helped too. We had a yummy Honey Baked turkey breast with all of the sides made from scratch - impressive! Afterward, we watched a family movie. It was such a good night. I think Val has Thanksgiving celebration things planned for tomorrow too.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Pre-op appointments
The pre-op appointments went fine today. No news about all that really, just blood drawn and discussions of icky things related to the surgery and worse things that will occur immediately following. One good thing, though, I found that I'm getting emotional a bit less often in the doctors' offices now. I think I held it together except for about 30 seconds and then it was just a little tearing up. My appointments lasted a really long time, today. I didn't realize how long I'd be there! I was in appointments from 11:15am to 2:30pm.
Throughout this ordeal, I've been spending a lot of time in doctors' offices and clinics. I've noticed that I always seem to be the most healthy person there - by far. It's strange. It's like I don't belong there at all. One of these things doesn't belong here . . . and it's me.
A few days ago, I wrote that I had made the bilateral mastectomy decision, but I had not accepted it yet. I now think it goes deeper than that. I know I have breast cancer. Cancer. But I haven't accepted that yet either. I still don't think I belong - that I'm not supposed to be there.
Throughout this ordeal, I've been spending a lot of time in doctors' offices and clinics. I've noticed that I always seem to be the most healthy person there - by far. It's strange. It's like I don't belong there at all. One of these things doesn't belong here . . . and it's me.
A few days ago, I wrote that I had made the bilateral mastectomy decision, but I had not accepted it yet. I now think it goes deeper than that. I know I have breast cancer. Cancer. But I haven't accepted that yet either. I still don't think I belong - that I'm not supposed to be there.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Veteran's Day
Ken and I had the day off today, though we both did some work to keep up with everything. We've been out for doctor's appointments and are trying to keep up with work before surgery sets us back again.
Unfortunately, I didn't get out for a run as planned. I slept in and then we worked and did some overdue errands. I thought I could still go out after the kids were home from school, but Val really needed my attention and that was much more important.
The only thing I got done related to health was that I sent an email to the children support group coordinator at the hospital. I asked if they had any support groups for kids Val's age or if we could host or start a support group. We'll see what information they can offer.
A big "thank you" goes out to all the veterans out there. Tonight, Val and Jason sang "God Bless the USA" over the phone to their grandfather who is a veteran.
Tomorrow I've got an important work meeting in the morning and then two more pre-op appointments. The days are just flying by now! I hope Beth's surgery went well today and she feels better soon.
Unfortunately, I didn't get out for a run as planned. I slept in and then we worked and did some overdue errands. I thought I could still go out after the kids were home from school, but Val really needed my attention and that was much more important.
The only thing I got done related to health was that I sent an email to the children support group coordinator at the hospital. I asked if they had any support groups for kids Val's age or if we could host or start a support group. We'll see what information they can offer.
A big "thank you" goes out to all the veterans out there. Tonight, Val and Jason sang "God Bless the USA" over the phone to their grandfather who is a veteran.
Tomorrow I've got an important work meeting in the morning and then two more pre-op appointments. The days are just flying by now! I hope Beth's surgery went well today and she feels better soon.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Good luck, Beth!
We had the pre-op appointment with the surgical oncologist. I had an EKG, blood drawn, and a chest xray. They told me not to take aspirin or ibuprofen and a whole host of other things including vitamins and herbs. They gave me some antibacterial soap to wash with both the night before and the morning of surgery. They also said something about fasting and no gum or mints or nail polish. We have all that information in a document of some sort, thank goodness. None of it really stuck with me. Ken will most likely be in charge of the evening before surgery and the morning of, too. I won't want to handle all those details.
I also signed a paper that said I was getting a left mastectomy and sentinel node biopsy and a right prophylactic mastectomy, both with immediate reconstruction with expanders.
I had some good news today. I talked with a friend of mine who manages the Plastic Surgeon practice. She saw me at our consult appointment and we talked about kids but not about why I was there. It took me until today to call her. I know I should have called her earlier, I just kept putting it off until it was bothering me to no end. So I called her and told her what was going on. I also told her I was concerned that my doctor was fairly new to the practice and I asked if I should reschedule with a different doctor. She said that everyone in the practice is outstanding but out of the five doctors in the practice, she would choose my doctor or another one to do her own reconstructive surgery. She said he does good work and his work also looks good. I was very relieved.
It also made me feel good that she told the doctors and her staff that I was a good friend of hers and was to get extra special treatment. I know they treat all their patients well, but it was good to know that my friend is there looking out for me too. It will be nice to have her there while I go in for my numerous appointments over the next year or so. I have my pre-op appointment with my plastics doctor on Thursday.
In addition to all of that, I got a lot done at work today. I stayed a little late since I had a doctor's appointment this morning and I was able to make major progress on one of the two primary projects I need to complete before the end of the day on November 20.
If you're reading this on Tuesday night, November 10 or Wednesday, November 11, please send some of prayers or thoughts or vibes to Beth at http://itsnotcancerbut.blogspot.com/ who is having her prophylactic bilateral mastectomy tomorrow. We're pulling for you, Beth. Show me how it's done!
I also signed a paper that said I was getting a left mastectomy and sentinel node biopsy and a right prophylactic mastectomy, both with immediate reconstruction with expanders.
I had some good news today. I talked with a friend of mine who manages the Plastic Surgeon practice. She saw me at our consult appointment and we talked about kids but not about why I was there. It took me until today to call her. I know I should have called her earlier, I just kept putting it off until it was bothering me to no end. So I called her and told her what was going on. I also told her I was concerned that my doctor was fairly new to the practice and I asked if I should reschedule with a different doctor. She said that everyone in the practice is outstanding but out of the five doctors in the practice, she would choose my doctor or another one to do her own reconstructive surgery. She said he does good work and his work also looks good. I was very relieved.
It also made me feel good that she told the doctors and her staff that I was a good friend of hers and was to get extra special treatment. I know they treat all their patients well, but it was good to know that my friend is there looking out for me too. It will be nice to have her there while I go in for my numerous appointments over the next year or so. I have my pre-op appointment with my plastics doctor on Thursday.
In addition to all of that, I got a lot done at work today. I stayed a little late since I had a doctor's appointment this morning and I was able to make major progress on one of the two primary projects I need to complete before the end of the day on November 20.
If you're reading this on Tuesday night, November 10 or Wednesday, November 11, please send some of prayers or thoughts or vibes to Beth at http://itsnotcancerbut.blogspot.com/ who is having her prophylactic bilateral mastectomy tomorrow. We're pulling for you, Beth. Show me how it's done!
Monday, November 9, 2009
Many blessings today
Valerie did an amazing thing today. She took care of an issue with an unfair grade and got it changed. We are so impressed with her! One day this quarter, she rolled an ankle in gym class and Ken had to take her out of school and to the doctor. On that day, she missed math class and a math assignment. When grade cards were calculated, she got a late grade for that assignment and it took her from a 97% to an 88% for the quarter, knocking her out of the "A" honor roll. Ken and I were upset about it, as was Val. She heard Ken talking about sending an email to the teacher because it was just the right thing to do. So she took care of it by talking with the teacher. Ken didn't tell her to do it. Neither did I. She just did. She also got some work done that has been stressing her. So when she called me after school she was almost giddy with happiness and said that she got two major "bricks" off her shoulders today. We went out to Max and Ermas to celebrate tonight.
Today I also experienced two eye-opening things. Driving back to work after my appt with the psychologist, I heard a terrible sound and looked in my rear view mirror. Less than a quarter mile behind me, I watched a car flip to it's top. Several other cars and trucks pulled over and I saw two men in a truck jump out to offer assistance to the person/people in the car. I really hope they are okay. The second event took place at Max and Erma's tonight. Ken is always talking with someone I don't know, usually a dad of a child he coached for soccer or baseball. Tonight someone came to talk with him and when he left the table, he headed back to his table where his wife and 3 kids under the age of 8 were sitting. Ken told me that is the man who played on his church softball team, the one who was diagnoised with an inoperable brain tumor this summer.
My appointment with the psychologist went well. I'll probably need longer than half a day to see if it has an impact, but it was good to talk about it with someone who has dealt with many people in this situation. She challenged me a bit and helped me see some of what was going on with me.
I have made a surgery decision on the outside, but have not accepted it on the inside yet. And I'm grieving. There may be more issues too, but that's a big part of it.
I'm going to try to schedule another meeting with her next week. She and I agree that it would be good to establish our relationship now in case I need her after the surgery. We both expect the post-surgery emotional response to be an issue since I'm not dealing well with the pro-active (called prophylactic) part of this surgery. As far as we know, one breast is healthy. And I have a suspicion the other breast may present very little, if any cancer, given that the MRI and mammogram can't pick it up. Something tells me they got most of it out with the biopsy.
As for the decision, I know the bilateral mastectomy is the only real option for me. Any other choice will be gambling with the odds. And I need to do whatever I can to try to stop it from moving into the rest of my body.
So I've made the decision, I just haven't accepted it yet. If that is still true in two weeks, the post-surgery emotions will be tough. Hey, at least it's a step to admit it here.
I also had a good talk with my boss today. I have a lot I'd like to get done at work in the next two weeks (which she pointed out is really only 7 days due to days off). Yikes! But I'm feeling like I can be ultra productive right now and it makes such a difference to be surrounded by the support of my boss and colleagues.
Today I also experienced two eye-opening things. Driving back to work after my appt with the psychologist, I heard a terrible sound and looked in my rear view mirror. Less than a quarter mile behind me, I watched a car flip to it's top. Several other cars and trucks pulled over and I saw two men in a truck jump out to offer assistance to the person/people in the car. I really hope they are okay. The second event took place at Max and Erma's tonight. Ken is always talking with someone I don't know, usually a dad of a child he coached for soccer or baseball. Tonight someone came to talk with him and when he left the table, he headed back to his table where his wife and 3 kids under the age of 8 were sitting. Ken told me that is the man who played on his church softball team, the one who was diagnoised with an inoperable brain tumor this summer.
My appointment with the psychologist went well. I'll probably need longer than half a day to see if it has an impact, but it was good to talk about it with someone who has dealt with many people in this situation. She challenged me a bit and helped me see some of what was going on with me.
I have made a surgery decision on the outside, but have not accepted it on the inside yet. And I'm grieving. There may be more issues too, but that's a big part of it.
I'm going to try to schedule another meeting with her next week. She and I agree that it would be good to establish our relationship now in case I need her after the surgery. We both expect the post-surgery emotional response to be an issue since I'm not dealing well with the pro-active (called prophylactic) part of this surgery. As far as we know, one breast is healthy. And I have a suspicion the other breast may present very little, if any cancer, given that the MRI and mammogram can't pick it up. Something tells me they got most of it out with the biopsy.
As for the decision, I know the bilateral mastectomy is the only real option for me. Any other choice will be gambling with the odds. And I need to do whatever I can to try to stop it from moving into the rest of my body.
So I've made the decision, I just haven't accepted it yet. If that is still true in two weeks, the post-surgery emotions will be tough. Hey, at least it's a step to admit it here.
I also had a good talk with my boss today. I have a lot I'd like to get done at work in the next two weeks (which she pointed out is really only 7 days due to days off). Yikes! But I'm feeling like I can be ultra productive right now and it makes such a difference to be surrounded by the support of my boss and colleagues.
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