Whining but certainly thankful

Beth is back home from her bilateral mastectomy.  To learn a little of what I have in store, see her last couple of posts at http://itsnotcancerbut.blogspot.com/.

So, everyone is asking how I'm doing.  I guess I'm mostly scared.  I'm scared and I can't stop re-thinking everything. It just seems so middle-ages to cut off body parts. I'm not nearly as "at peace" with the decision as Beth was - or Penny - or anyone I've talked with about this, really.

I am scared of the pain, of the depression, of feeling like I've lost myself, of medication, of crying all the time and scaring my kids, of making a mistake with this life-changing decision. I'm scared of so much related to the surgery.  I hate going to doctors and being taken care of and being humiliated through the process.  I'm even scared of the little things like needles, catheters, IVs, and drains.

I'm not scared of making it through the surgery, though.  I truly believe I've got the best surgeons I can have and I know they will do a good job.  They will do as good of a job as can be done. 

I am scared about all the after-surgery horrors, especially the meeting with the medical oncologist to hear her tell me whether I should have chemo and/or tamoxifin. I'm scared of the weekly fill of the expanders and the pain associated with that. And I'm scared of my reaction to the results of the reconstruction.

I'm even scared about rehab things.  I had trouble with motivation with running before this all happened.  I can't imagine that will get easier, harder is more likely.

So enough of all that whining . . . .  I guess I use this blog as a way to get it all . . . well, off my chest.

I got a great note from a very dear friend of mine today.  He tried to catch me at home, but we were out so he left a note.  His family is going through some tough times recently, too and he is really dealing with a lot right now.  It meant so much that he stopped by to see me and his note made me cry.  I cried, not because I was sad, but because I was touched that he was reaching out and wanting to be there for me.  I just can't tell you how much it means to have that kind of support. 

Tonight I had a long talk with Valerie, again. It's great that I've had some time to spend with her before the surgery.  I hope our talk tonight makes a difference.  She's been very emotional and is feeling totally overwhelmed and "lost" right now. 

Today we talked mostly about how she is the boss of herself.  She is in charge of her thoughts and emotions and actions.  She can banish the bad thoughts away.  She has the power to make her own map, to throw the "bricks" (her stressors) on the ground, and to just put one foot in front of the other and keep moving.  She is in charge.  She is not a victim of those thoughts and feelings, she is in charge of them.  It just takes practice to learn to be the boss of them.

I thought that message would resonate for her because she likes being the boss.  She likes organizing and controlling the world around her. I told her that she can never be a good boss of others if she is not the boss of herself first. We also talked about how she is the good kind of boss because she has a good heart, makes good decisions, and cares about others. I think she latched on to some of the things from our talk and she seems ready to start trying to be the boss of her own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Toward the end, I felt less despair and victim type vibes from her - and heard less of that in her words.  She seemed happier and less overwhelmed. It was a good talk.

Also tonight, we had Thanksgiving dinner.  Ken's sister suggested that we do it before Thanksgiving, which was brilliant.  Ken and Val planned it all and put it together for tonight, Jason helped too.  We had a yummy Honey Baked turkey breast with all of the sides made from scratch - impressive!  Afterward, we watched a family movie.  It was such a good night.  I think Val has Thanksgiving celebration things planned for tomorrow too.