Motivation

First, the great news.

I went out for a walk/run today!  I walked a mile and then walked and ran a second mile.  The last half of the second mile, I ran the whole time.  Then I walked about a half mile to wrap up.  The weather was about 32 degrees f (0 c) and sunny with little wind.  I dressed well for the walk, long sleeve T, cotton sweats, cotton gloves (my 13.1 gloves from the half marathon in 2008) and a quilted windbreaker jacket.  It was a little warm for the run part, but I just unzipped the jacket and took off my gloves and I was fine. 

I'm so glad I got out.  I listened to Steverunner's halloween podcast (yes, I'm behind the times) and learned why he wants to run a sub-4 hour marathon.  He came oh so close a few years ago, so I know he'll meet that goal in autumn 2010.

Now for the tough part. 

I had a really difficult time forcing myself outside.  I don't know why.  I just did.  The weather was perfect, I certainly had the time, I downloaded several new podcasts on my MP3 player . . . there was no reason not to go out. 

This is my last day at home alone during this recovery period.  I wanted to make the most of it - to do things I can't do when others are here.  Like what?  Since I'm not really interested in running around the house naked, I guess watching rated PG-13 and R movies would rank up there as something I can't do often.  Watching TV in general is something I rarely do in normal, everyday life.  But I've done some of that during recovery and I don't feel better for it.  Actually I feel worse.  The "couch of doom" does not have the answers to my questions nor does it hold the key to my recovery or happiness.

Other than this being my last day to be alone (tomorrow I need to take Val to the orthodonist and then go to a holiday lunch for work), I wasn't sure what was stopping me from getting out there.  But I finally got ready to go and stepped out the door . . . only to find that my Garmin needed charged.  I must have left it on the last time I went out.  Oh well.  I left it at home.

The first mile was just a walk though I was toying with the idea of running a little.  The docs said I could start to run in 3 weeks.  However, one doctor said I won't want to run with the expanders in because it will be "uncomfortable" (medical-ese for major pain).  Three weeks passed on Monday, but I was worried about my fluid build-up, so I waited.  Today I decided I needed to get out.  My whole body was tight and sore from having to sleep on my back and I just wanted to get loosened up and feeling better. 

A little past the half-mile mark, I started to get weepy.  I was sad and frustrated and mad at myself.  Five or 6 years ago, I lost about 30 pounds and then began running.  For a while it was easy to keep the pounds off but then it just started coming back.  I was able to hold out at 10 lbs up (still 20 lbs better than before) for several years, but recently I've slipped and I was 15 lbs up when I was diagnoised with breast cancer.  Now I'm almost to the point where I was before I lost the 30 pounds.  I'm so disappointed that I've let it come to this.  Now everything is harder.  Running is much harder when carrying around an extra 30 pounds.  So is feeling good about myself and staying positive.  Even "being there" for my family and friends is hard when I'm feeling so bad about myself. 

I shook off the tears and finished walking the rest of the first mile.  Then I started the second mile.  I tried running slowly but it bothered my chest so I walked again.  Then I ran a little more and tried to not bounce so much.  My running mentor, Jim, talked with me about running lightly like on glass so as to not break it.  I tried that and it helped some but it still felt strange in my chest.  So I walked more.  Then I tried running by holding my chest in with my arms and I kept running.  I continued to try things to decrease the bounce on my chest and I was able to run a half mile.  I kept my elbows tight to my body while running and only moved my arms at and below the elbows. 

The half mile run was an accomplishment for me (sounds crazy, huh?).  It was tough to keep running the last quarter mile, but I finished it and then walked.  And cried some more.  I had my sunglasses on so I wasn't obviously sad to anyone who might see me.  A man who was delivering suburban newspapers drove by and said something encouraging about running and perhaps something about not over-doing it.  No doubt he thought I just finished a 5 mile run in 45 minutes or something crazy like that.  I just smiled, said "thanks" and waved.

I walked the last half mile and tried to determine why I was weepy.  I guess it's the extra weight I'm carrying and the trouble with motivation that is so frustrating to me.  This breast cancer and surgery has set me back quite a bit, but I was not doing great before the diagnosis either. 

It's not so easy for me to do this running thing.  I don't know why.  I certainly feel better when I run.  Maybe I just need to force myself to do it more often until it's a habit that does not require re-commitment every time I do it.  I have a full time + job and two kids who still need help with homework and an incredible husband with whom I spent much too little time and friends who I love dearly but rarely see.  Yet, I know I need to make time for me or I won't do well in any of these roles I love. 

So that's how this blog started, prior to really understanding what this breast cancer diagnosis really meant.  Now I've gotten rid of the cancer and I need to pull myself back up and get on the road to recovery for the whole me.