Walked 3 miles

I slept very well last night despite the annoying back pain.  I did get the solid 7 hours I was hoping for last night.  Yea!  Then I took more meds and slept longer.  Over 12 hours in all. 

I didn't feel well in the morning though.  My meds had run out so I was sore.  I was also depressed, feeling really gross and unattractive, and not looking forward to a day on the couch.  Ken helped me through it and then helped me wash up, including washing my hair.  When I finally got out and about, my mom made me an egg sandwich (yum) and I took my meds but I had a headache and was still grouchy.

My mother-in-law said some very nice things to me as they were leaving and that was really nice. They are really great people and give so much of themselves to their family.  After they left, my mom got me a blanket (the one my daughter and sister-in-law made for me over the weekend) and Ken rubbed my shoulders to try to get my headache to go away.  It wouldn’t subside, so I decided I'd go out for a walk.  I did two miles with the steverunner podcast and the third mile my mom joined me.  The headache did go away. 

I'm still very concerned about the huge swelling of my chest area under my arms.  I'm also scared because it is completely numb there.  We see the surgical oncologist on Wed and the plastic surgeon on Thursday, so I'll be able to ask about these problems then.  I also notice that when I use the computer or try to read, my eyes have trouble staying focused.  That's probably because of the pain meds.  My arms also hurt when I try to type for awhile.  So I'll stop typing now and go get cleaned up again since the walk was quite a workout for me.  I'm in a better frame of mind though.  That's good.  The kids get home in a little over an hour.   

Over-tired

I had a very busy weekend. Saturday, Ken, my mother, and I went out to look at some condos because they are thinking of moving here after they retire.  Then today I attended the swim meet.  Jason swam from about 8am to 10:30am and then I went home and slept for 2 hours and then went back for Val's meet from 1-4:30.  Afterward, we went out to eat.  I'm pretty tired. 

Everyone thinks I was crazy for going to the meet, but I wanted to be there.  Jason (age 8 in the 8 and under age group) got 1st in the backstroke and 2nd in the 50 free.  Valerie (age 11 in the 12 and under age group) got 4th in the 50 fly, 5th in the 100 IM, and 10th in 50 free.

I'm too tired to write more right now but I will say that I'm pretty worried about the sides of my chest - under my arms.  It's really swollen there and numb.  I can understand why the left side might be trouble because they took out 3 lymph nodes on that side.  I don't know why I'm having the same problem on the right side, though.  I still have the drains in and I wonder if they aren't doing a good enough job. 

I'm also starting to feel the emotional part of all of this.  I suspect that will kick in even more later.  Maybe it helps that I'm wrapped up most of the time.  Also, I do have little bumps that are not that different from how I used to feel in a tight sports bra. 

I'm going to change into more comfy clothes now and then take my meds and go to bed.  I'm way past tired and on the way to sick, I think.  Unfortunately, I can't sleep very many hours before my back starts to spasm and rebel against the constant sleeping on my back.  This morning I didn't sleep much after 4am.  Every 15 minutes or so I kept trying to stretch to fix my back so I could sleep more.

Let's hope for a good 7 or 8 hours tonight.

Feeling better

I'm feeling better this morning.  The cramps and gas are gone.  Now it's just the usual pain that comes from the wounds and drains.  I heard from many women that the worst part was the drains and I'd have to agree.  I really do hate them.  Then again, after hearing what Beth is going through post-drains, I'm glad I still have them in. I still have some swelling anyway, so we'll be talking with the docs about that next week.

My appointment with the surgical oncologist is on Wednesday and on Thursday I meet with the plastic surgeon.  Currently I look and feel lopsided, but I'm trying not to worry about it because it might just be the placement of the temporary expanders.  It is difficult to ignore though.  I wonder if the left expander broke and they will have to go back in for more surgery.  I certainly hope not.  I'm not real good at this surgery thing.

Dad just left for the airport this morning.  Mom has decided to stay another week to help out.  It has been great to have them here to care for me, offer support, run kids around, and even get a few more things done on our basement project.  I've been able to be downstairs several times since surgery and it is really nice to be there.  It makes me smile to see all that we have done and how nice it is looking.

The kids are coming home sometime today and it will be great to see them.  I'd better go get some rest now, though because I'll need to have some energy for them. 

Sick today

Until today, I thought I was doing pretty well.  Today has not been good.  I skipped a pain pill and took an Aleve instead.  That was not wise.  Also I'm sick to my stomach, have reflux, and major cramps.  Mom thinks the pills are really messing up my digestive system.

I'm shakey, have a major headache most of the time, and feel like I'm completely full of gas from my feet to the top of my head.  I'm also swollen like Beth was talking about but I still have my drains in place.  I'm not sure why I'm so swollen. 

I can't write anymore.  I need to go lay down and do nothing.  Feeling terrible.

Happy Thanksgiving

The kids went to Ken's sister's house in Dayton to celebrate Thanksgiving.  Initially, Val was reluctant to go, but after I explained that I'd be sleeping most of the day, she went to Dayton and is having fun.  We expect them back on Saturday.  

Ken, Mom, Dad, and I stayed here and ordered Thanksgiving meal from Cracker Barrel.  It was very nice and relaxing.

Although it's been a rough 6 weeks or so, I am still very thankful that

• I have so many loving family and friends,
• My family is blessed with good health and kind hearts,
• I live in a city with an excellent cancer hospital,
• I have a great job with supportive and fun colleagues and bosses,
• My cancer was caught early enough that the lymph nodes were clear,
• I'm strong enough physically and mentally to get through all this.

I'm still sore and quite limited in what I can do for myself.  I hate that.  Of course, Ken and my parents are here to save the day and are making this much easier than if I was doing it alone.  It's been very helpful to have someone who knows something about medicine (mom works at a drug store).  The number of pills I have to take for a couple of weeks seems crazy: Aleve, a muscle relaxer, an antibiotic, percocet, and a couple others.  I also have to drink an enormous amount of water.  To choke it down, I'm mixing it 3 to 1 with G2.

Didn't get out for a walk today.  However, I got my dressings changed and read a book for a few hours.  Thanks to all your love and support, I'm taking small steps back to the land of the living.

One mile walk

Hey all, I just got back from a mile walk with my parents.  We went very slowly, but it was a great day to be out.  Mom kept trying to get me to take a short cut or head back, but I didn't have my Garmin on and I wanted to know how far we went.  So followed the 1 mile loop I meaured off years ago.  It was nice to get outside.

I'm still dizzy and weak, but doing  as well as can be expected now. 

Doing okay

All is going well so far today. Lots of pain, but able to be up and around. Actually, it is better for me to be out of bed. It hurts less and is not as frustrating.  I'm still having lots of pain getting in and out of bed.   Ken thinks I'm crazy because I haven't used the walkie-talkie yet.  This morning, I had to get up to the bathroom and found a way to get out of the bed by myself.  Certainly not easy.


Ken helped me do some stretching last night and that helped a lot.  My muscles are all tightened up these days - even worse than normal, if you can imagine that.  I'm far from flexible in normal circumstances.

I'm not sleeping as well these days because it's uncomfortable (understatement) to be in bed.  I'm like a baby because I'm up every few hours needing something - bathroom, water, meds, pillow redistribution, etc.  I was up at about 6am this morning and got out of bed to eat, take meds, and talked wtih the kids before school.  Then the meds kicked in and I went back to bed and slept until about 10:30.

Ken just washed my hair.  We took great care to keep everything neck and down dry. I wore an OSU poncho with a towel around my neck and I was very glad it all worked out fine. Since I can't take a shower, we used the hand-held shower head in the kids' bathroom and I leaned over the tub while he did a quick hair washing. Beth was right, I feel much better with it being washed.  I don't have my usual gel in it or anything, but it looks okay and is clean at the very least.  I hope that wasn't too much of a strain on me. It didn't hurt anymore than just moving about the house.


Now it's time to have some pulled pork Bob brought over.  Mom's making a salad to go with it.  So I've got to sign off today.  Besides, it is very tough to type.  My fingers keep hitting the wrong letters and I'm doing lots of backspacing and deleting. 

Oh well, I'm still just taking this one moment at a time because it's tough enough to just manage the pain. I have to sleep on my back which is doing a number on my neck. Ouch!  It also hurts a lot in the places where they cut the muscle in my chest.

Overall, it's coming along okay, though. 
- Kelly

Update from Kelly

Hi everyone! Kelly here. I'm on major pain meds and sore, sleepy, and annoyed that I can't even get out of bed without help. It's been wonderful to have my parents here to help. Mom is handling dinner for the family and working with Ken to learn how to care for these terrible drains and other "nursing" I need. Dad is running the kids from one event to another as well as taking Mom to join the group waiting for news during/after surgery. Lots of others came, too, I hear. Ken's parents and sister, Bob, Dave S, Nancy, Eunice, Olga, Jean, Brian and Dave M were here.  I was totally out of it most of the day Monday and Tuesday (today) so I didn't see them all.

This will be kind of short because I find that I can't type worth a dime right now either.

Anyway, I'm sure you all got the good news from Ken. He has been posting blogs for me to let you know how it's going. Really, it's been the best case scenario. They are pretty sure they got all of the cancer and pre-cancer cells. The 3 lymph nodes they took out were clear (no cancer). More studies on the lymph nodes and breast tissue will be required before we will know for sure.  However, I guess you never know if a stray cell made it elsewhere and we can’t see it. I don’t think so though. I’m pretty sure the toughest parts will be behind me in a few months. I’ll require at least one other surgery, though to put in permanent implants. I’m sooooooooo over this surgery thing!

Emotionally, I’m not really able to deal with this at all yet. That’s probably a good thing or all the crying would just make matters worse. Right now, I’m just dealing with pain on a moment by moment basis.

Well, I can’t type well or keep my eyes open any longer. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. It seems they are working.

We're Home!

We're home!!  Kelly received her discharge papers a little after 3pm today and we drove out of the parking garage around 4pm.  Amazingly that's less than 24 hours after Kelly got out of surgery.

The kids and our nephews had made cards at my sister's house last weekend and the cards were hanging up all over the house when we got home.  Valerie and Jason also wrote many great messages on the driveway in chalk so we'd see them when we arrived.  Needless to say, everyone's very excited to have Kelly home.  I'll publish pics of the chalk art and cards tomorrow.

Everyone's heading to bed early - it's been a good day :-)

Hitting milestones . . .

Things continue to go well with Kelly's recuperation.  She was able to eat both breakfast and lunch today which is her first solid food since Sunday.  She also made four laps around the nurses station (increasing her pace each time) and I though she was about to break out into a run :-)  Kelly's optimistic that she's going to be discharged today - she can't wait to get home and relax there.

She's still having issues with pain and muscle cramping but we're working hard to keep her on a consistent timeline for her medications.  It's a long road to recovery but she's making solid first steps.  I'm extremely proud of her!!!

Resting

Kelly's out of the recovery room and is resting quietly.  We were lucky enough to get a private room (thanks Cindy!) so I'll be staying here overnight.  She's still very groggy and has slept most of the time but has woken up briefly a couple of times.  From the minute we arrived this morning everything has gone smoothly.  Each stage has been on time and she was only in surgery for four hours (they thought it might take 5 or more).  Day one and things are going well . . .

Surgery went well!

Hi everyone - Ken (Kelly's husband) here today.  Kelly had her surgery this afternoon and everything went very well.  Her surgeon came to talk to us around 2:30pm to let us know he was done with his part and that the plastic surgeon was working on Kelly.  He let us know the surgery went smoothly and that they didn't find anything unexpected.  The initial lymph node biopsy came back clear which means no cancer cells were found in it.  Although they'll need to do a full pathology report on lymph node, this is extremely good news.  A clear lymph node means that it's likely the cancer hasn't spread elsewhere - hurray!  They'll also do a full pathology report on the cancer site which will take approx 5 business days.  We'll find out more next week (maybe Wednesday) when we have Kelly's follow-up appointment with her surgeon.

The plastic surgeon came down around 4:30pm to let us know that Kelly was out of surgery and was now in the recovery room.  Again, his part of the surgery went very well and he was able to partially fill the expanders which means Kelly will save 2 or 3 weeks of having the expanders filled after the fact.

We've had tremendous support from family, friends and coworkers.  Kelly's parents, my parents and sister, two college roommates, and two cousins were here throughout the day to support me as we waited.  Eunice, Olga and Nancy from work stopped and visited this afternoon as well as Sheila (former coworker/friend) and Cindy (Jason's best friend's mom). 

Thanks again to everyone for your love, support and prayers.  Words cannot express how much it has meant to Kelly, the kids, and me.  I'll write again later once Kelly's out of the recovery room.

Tomorrow

Ran again today.  Did two miles at 10:24 and 10:38.  It was another incredible day, 50s and sunny, and I listened to more of a Steverunner podcast.

I also did some errands with my parents, helped plan food for the next week or so, and welcomed friends who came to visit. Jeff and Jen came by with a huge gift basket with all kinds of wonderful things and sat and talked quite a while.  As they were leaving, our neighbors dropped by with fruit and chocolate.  And a short while after that, Ken's old roommate Bob came by with a lot of food and good wishes.  I also had calls or emails from my brother, sister-in-law, Jim, Lee Ann, Bonnie, Michelle, and probably several others I'm forgetting as I'm starting to get nervous about getting packed and ready to go.  I didn't read the whole breast cancer surgery booklet they gave me (which, by the way, they should have given me 6 weeks ago since it has MUCH more information than the garbage they gave me then!).  So I'm not completely prepared for this process. Then again, maybe that's best.  What else do I need?  Just me.  If I get there on time, I've done my part. 

Bob and another one of Ken's college roommates, Dave, plan to come to the hospital to wait out the surgery with Ken, his parents, and my mother.  My father will hold down the fort at home and get the kids off to school and then to either piano or swimming afterward, whichever they decide to do depending on the homework situation. 

I had a long talk with Valerie tonight.  She is very emotional and very worried.  She made me explain everything about the surgeries, like why I would have 2 doctors, and she knows about lymph nodes and such.  She was adamant that I make Ken tell her what is really going on once he knows.  She needs to know too.  She doesn't want things hidden from her even if we think she won't want to know.  As long as we are honest with her about this all, I think she will trust us more and handle this better.  She won't always be waiting for something unknown and scary to happen. She'll be prepared.  I understand that.  I'm exactly the same way. 

So, tomorrow's the big day.  Bilateral mastectomy with the first stage of reconstruction.  Ken or Lee Ann will update the blog when we know something.  There may be more than one post if they know things at different times.  In the meantime, thank you all for your thoughts and prayers.

Beautiful day

I ran today.  Well, kinda.  Actually, I alternated the miles walking and running.  My miles were 17:28, 10:30, 17:53, 10:22, and 19:48.  I didn't want to make myself sore before surgery, so I was careful not to over-do it with exercise today.  It was a perfect day to be out though (50s and sunny) and I had quite a bit of time before my parents' plane arrived at 3:15.  So I was out enjoying the weather for over an hour.  I listened to a couple of Steverunner's podcasts as I often do when exercising. 

I got some gifts from family and friends that I haven't mentioned yet this week.  My aunt sent an ultra-soft PJ set with a button top.  My mother-in-law sent a whole bunch of teas that will be wonderful and soothing.  I don't drink coffee, but I love tea.  My mom brought several sweat outfits and button tops along with some hot chocolate.  And Mom's bosses and colleagues got me the Courage Willow Tree Angel.  Thank you, everyone.

The only other noteworthy news is that OSU beat Michigan today.  Yea! 

Friday and counting

My last day at work was today and that was such a weird feeling.  I know it's not my last day at work ever, but it felt so strange and final. The next time I go back into the office will be post-surgery.  It will probably be 2010, too.  Crazy.  Luckily I was able to get everything done that was pressing and I passed several important things on to capable hands.  Now I have no monkeys on my back as I go in to this surgery.  That's a very good feeling.

Today I was blessed with many well-wishers and got cards, more books and movies, and felt very good all day.  I also left early so I could run up to Hope's Boutique to purchase a post-surgery bra with front zipper closure and velcro straps.  Right now, it seems like a really nice and soft one, but I have a feeling I'll absolutely hate it by this time next week.  One very cool thing is that the store (which is part of the James Hospital, or affilated somehow) charged the $65 bra to my insurance.  I wasn't expecting that perk at all.  I know I'll pay for it eventually or I already have in premiums, but it's still very nice to not have to shell out the money for it right now.  I'm so glad I took the time to get up there to get it.

It was good to connect with David and Becky tonight.  We went out for dinner and talked a lot about my cancer situation, her mother who recently past away, health care in general, their really cool agility dogs, my kids, and running.  Becky did the Komen tri this year (the one my dentist was challenging me to do yesterday) and the same half marathon as I did in October 2008.  Becky is giving me a little more slack than my dentist and is offering 2011 for dragging me along to do the Komen tri. She's a tough cookie, that's for sure.

My parents flight arrives tomorrow and the kids and Ken will go to Dayton for my nephew's birthday party.  The time is just flying by now.  I've got just 2 more days before my body changes significantly.  It's weird to feel 100% fine right now and to know I'll be incredibly sick and in pain in just a few days.  And I'm doing this why?!?!?   I know, I know.  I'm doing this for life . . . .  to greatly increase my chance of being there for my kids as they grow up . . . . for being able to grow old with my husband.

Lee Ann was very supportive tonight too.  I talked with her on my way home from David and Becky's house.  She encourged me and told me it was okay however I responded to this challenge.  She said that it would be okay if I wanted to be in a funk for three days or for nine months.  We also talked about the tough time I had during my child bearing years.  She said I was older and wiser and this time I was prepared for a similar response in myself and that makes this time different.  I'll know that I can get out of it when I'm ready.  I can see her points and am swayed by her arguments.  I also very much appreciate her support.

It's late on Friday night, actually it's Saturday morning.  Time is really flying by so quickly at this point.  I'm still scared but doing much better and am sure of my decision.  I'm so glad I wasn't born during a time that would put me in my 40s when the breast cancer screening didn't start until age 50!  I'd be in a totally different situation if it didn't get caught for another 7 years.  My prognosis would not be good.  I'd be one of those the bean counters would just write off as a casuality because less screening is better for the greater good even if it takes my life.  I'm still just reeling from that concept.  Get your mammograms.  Don't listen to the bean counters!

Still zoomin'!

I'm feeling pretty good today.  I've been progressively getting better at accepting the reality of this all and being less emotional.  I talked with several people about the upcoming surgery today and I thought I sounded like I had it figured out.  I convinced even myself, and I'm a hard sell.

One of the people I talked with today was my dentist.  We've known each other for many years, even prior to having kids, and we played on opposing softball teams for a couple of seasons.  If you look at the comments in my blog post prior to this one, you'll see she is challenging me to do a Komen athletic event - an all-female triathlon in June.  Those of you who know me well know that I don't cycle.  At all.  I'm terrible on the bike.  However, Ken thinks it's a great idea because it would give me a goal, get me to cross-train (perhaps I can cycle when I can't run), and it's a short enough distance to be doable.  Maybe he's right.  I'll think about it and see how I'm doing.  Although the cycling sounds impossible now, the swimming will probably be most affected by my surgeries.  It's crazy to think about myself as being weak in upper body strength, that's usually where I've got an advantage.  So many changes.

I got more work done in the office (and a little from home) today - still zoomin' along. I'm following advice of many people and leadership and culture workshops.  I'm being here now.  Living in the moment. I'm not thinking about the pain of Monday and beyond.  I'm going to deal with what I'm facing now.  I've done all the advance planning and preparation that I can do and now it's time to just sit back and go with it.  I have faith and trust that it will all work out. 

I am also relying on many people to help me through this and I thank you all for your part in that.  Even if you're just taking the time to read the blog, you're helping me. I smile when I see the flag counter each day. 

At work, Eunice has sent out a request at work for people to sign up to make us food for the week after Thanksgiving.  Many colleagues have given me books and movies to help distract me while I'm home.  Even more have tracked me down to offer support, remind me that I'm doing the right thing, and encourage me that I'm strong and can do this.  My AVP (boss) has also been incredibly supportive and has helped me deal with this tough situation by giving me support and flexibility as well as by not allowing me to lose sight of what I have to offer at work.

At home, Ken has been incredibly supportive by giving me lots of time to work, connect with friends, write in the blog, etc. and he has taken on pretty much all of the work at home.  He also has been a source of incredible emotional support.  My kids have been great, too.  Valerie got me water in a crystal glass today.  She's always doing things to pamper me and to help.  Jason is very good about showing his love for me every day, too.   My parents are arriving on Saturday.  Ken's parents and his sister's family cancelled Thanksgiving travel plans to stay nearby to help and support me and my family.  Ken's parents are going to be here for the surgery part too and since Jan is a recently retired surgical nurse, she can help us all understand what is going on and will ask all the right questions.

Long-time and newer friends are making special efforts to connect with me, too.  Jim is sending supportive emails and making funny comments in my blog to make me smile. I'm having dinner with David and Becky tomorrow night. Lee Ann is has offered to update the blog if Ken can't get to it. I'm even getting emails from long-time family friends who are offering assistance and support despite the fact that I haven't been good at staying in touch. 

Thank you, everyone!  Surgery is soon - Monday.  Keep up those prayers and healing vibes!

Getting things done

I worked late tonight, but accomplished MUCH today.  The two primary items I needed to complete before taking medical leave are now done.  I still have two work days filled with meetings and clean-up work, but the "drive" to complete the major tasks is done.  Ahhh, that feels good.

Yesterday, I had a great email from a friend who had a mastectomy last year and it was so nice to hear her story.  I really have been meaning to call her, but I just haven't made the time yet.  I also made a new connection with someone who I think had a prophylactic bilateral mastectomy.  We will probaby trade emails too.

Time is starting to get shorter and shorter.  I know I won't get everything done that I'd like to in the next few days.  The house is a mess, though Ken is keeping up with it much better than I am. Oh well, I guess that's the way it goes.  It's bed time now.  Good night!

Good day

Great day today. I didn't get a chance to run, but I walked a lot.  It was gorgous outside and I was really glad I wore my trail running shoes today as I walked across campus to the doctor's office and back.  So nice to take that time.  Also, I seem to be doing better about accepting my treatment decision and internalizing that it is primarily proactive.  I'm talking much better about it, certainly.  I cry much less too.

I met with the cancer pychologist and we had a great talk today.  Talked about realizations since last week, the benefits of yoga, and body image.  She challenged me to breathe better. I seem to hold my breath a lot right now - it's a stress reaction that does not help the stress at all.  She also challenged me to live only in th present, not the future and to walk a lot after surgery.  Of course, I can't do walk the first day, but when I can physically do it, she believes it will help me to get out and walk.

Later in the afternoon I met with my ob/gyn for the first time in this ordeal.  He is so great.  He came right in and started talking with me about what has gone on this whole 6 weeks and was very supportive and caring.  He was my doctor through both pregnancies (so about 12 years now) and has been my favorite doctor of any kind.  I didn't tell him how I struggled with my treatment decision but he seemed to understand at the same time as making it obvious he didn't think any other choice but the bilateral mastectomy made sense.  He also talked very passionately about all the garbage in the news right now about how women under 50 shouldn't get mammograms.  He is livid about that and talked about how those "ivory tower" people just wrote me off.  So true. 

The evening I spent with some very good girlfriends who I don't see often enough.  We talked about everything - work, life balance, exercise, health, breast cancer, leadership, dogs, movies, broadway shows, etc.  It was wonderful of Anne to set up this meeting for us before I'm out on leave.  Thank you, all!

Gifts

I spent most of the day and evening trying to get work done so I can relax as much as possible heading into the surgery.  I'm making progress and hope to get a lot done this week.

Mom is getting me the camisole Beth recommended in her blog.  If you can think of anything else I should take to the hospital or to have at home when I return, please let me know.  I probably won't be needing the deck of cards Ken and I took to the hospital when Jason was born. :-)   My grandmother still laughs when she tells this story.  The day after Jason was born, Ken and I called her to double-check on the counting of a cribbage hand.  We were so much more relaxed with the second baby!

Today I got a wonderful gift in the mail.  Ken's aunt and uncle sent me a glass and gold "Healing Angel" holding a cancer awareness ribbon.  Below is a picture of it that I found on the web, but it doesn't really do it justice.  In the fancy box was the script:

Healing Angel
The mission of this Angel's watch
Is hope we'll find a cure;
For all the ills that face our lives,
Through faith, we will endure.
 Thank you, Carm and Dave!

Supportive emails

I got several supportive emails today. 

The first email was from an old family friend.  In addition to giving me updates on her family, Jenny wrote that she checked with several nurse friends who told her I've made a very wise decision in deciding to have both breasts removed. She went on to recognize that the recovery time will seem very long, but encouraged me to hang in there and do what the docs tell me, including any recommended therapy.  Since I'm having a tough time accepting this decision, it was certainly good to hear someone thinks it is wise.  If I remember correctly, when I was growing up with her kids, Jenny was a nurse too.

Another email was from one of Ken's cousins who sent me the lyrics of a song from church today, Be Not Afraid.  It was really nice to know she was thinking of me and offered that support.

Two other emails were from colleagues who recently found out about my diagnosis and offered prayers and support.

We had another good family day today with swim practice, going out to Damon's, and spending some good time together.  I tried to prep Jason a little by telling him my surgery is in a week and that I'll be hurting a lot and sleeping a lot afterward.  He asked if I would want him to come and see me in bed, I said that would be nice to get some lovin' from him sometimes.  He seemed to like that.

Whining but certainly thankful

Beth is back home from her bilateral mastectomy.  To learn a little of what I have in store, see her last couple of posts at http://itsnotcancerbut.blogspot.com/.

So, everyone is asking how I'm doing.  I guess I'm mostly scared.  I'm scared and I can't stop re-thinking everything. It just seems so middle-ages to cut off body parts. I'm not nearly as "at peace" with the decision as Beth was - or Penny - or anyone I've talked with about this, really.

I am scared of the pain, of the depression, of feeling like I've lost myself, of medication, of crying all the time and scaring my kids, of making a mistake with this life-changing decision. I'm scared of so much related to the surgery.  I hate going to doctors and being taken care of and being humiliated through the process.  I'm even scared of the little things like needles, catheters, IVs, and drains.

I'm not scared of making it through the surgery, though.  I truly believe I've got the best surgeons I can have and I know they will do a good job.  They will do as good of a job as can be done. 

I am scared about all the after-surgery horrors, especially the meeting with the medical oncologist to hear her tell me whether I should have chemo and/or tamoxifin. I'm scared of the weekly fill of the expanders and the pain associated with that. And I'm scared of my reaction to the results of the reconstruction.

I'm even scared about rehab things.  I had trouble with motivation with running before this all happened.  I can't imagine that will get easier, harder is more likely.

So enough of all that whining . . . .  I guess I use this blog as a way to get it all . . . well, off my chest.

I got a great note from a very dear friend of mine today.  He tried to catch me at home, but we were out so he left a note.  His family is going through some tough times recently, too and he is really dealing with a lot right now.  It meant so much that he stopped by to see me and his note made me cry.  I cried, not because I was sad, but because I was touched that he was reaching out and wanting to be there for me.  I just can't tell you how much it means to have that kind of support. 

Tonight I had a long talk with Valerie, again. It's great that I've had some time to spend with her before the surgery.  I hope our talk tonight makes a difference.  She's been very emotional and is feeling totally overwhelmed and "lost" right now. 

Today we talked mostly about how she is the boss of herself.  She is in charge of her thoughts and emotions and actions.  She can banish the bad thoughts away.  She has the power to make her own map, to throw the "bricks" (her stressors) on the ground, and to just put one foot in front of the other and keep moving.  She is in charge.  She is not a victim of those thoughts and feelings, she is in charge of them.  It just takes practice to learn to be the boss of them.

I thought that message would resonate for her because she likes being the boss.  She likes organizing and controlling the world around her. I told her that she can never be a good boss of others if she is not the boss of herself first. We also talked about how she is the good kind of boss because she has a good heart, makes good decisions, and cares about others. I think she latched on to some of the things from our talk and she seems ready to start trying to be the boss of her own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Toward the end, I felt less despair and victim type vibes from her - and heard less of that in her words.  She seemed happier and less overwhelmed. It was a good talk.

Also tonight, we had Thanksgiving dinner.  Ken's sister suggested that we do it before Thanksgiving, which was brilliant.  Ken and Val planned it all and put it together for tonight, Jason helped too.  We had a yummy Honey Baked turkey breast with all of the sides made from scratch - impressive!  Afterward, we watched a family movie.  It was such a good night.  I think Val has Thanksgiving celebration things planned for tomorrow too.

Pre-op appointments

The pre-op appointments went fine today.  No news about all that really, just blood drawn and discussions of icky things related to the surgery and worse things that will occur immediately following.  One good thing, though, I found that I'm getting emotional a bit less often in the doctors' offices now. I think I held it together except for about 30 seconds and then it was just a little tearing up.  My appointments lasted a really long time, today.  I didn't realize how long I'd be there!  I was in appointments from 11:15am to 2:30pm.

Throughout this ordeal, I've been spending a lot of time in doctors' offices and clinics.  I've noticed that I always seem to be the most healthy person there - by far.  It's strange.  It's like I don't belong there at all.  One of these things doesn't belong here . . .  and it's me. 

A few days ago, I wrote that I had made the bilateral mastectomy decision, but I had not accepted it yet.  I now think it goes deeper than that.  I know I have breast cancer. Cancer.  But I haven't accepted that yet either.  I still don't think I belong - that I'm not supposed to be there.

Veteran's Day

Ken and I had the day off today, though we both did some work to keep up with everything.  We've been out for doctor's appointments and are trying to keep up with work before surgery sets us back again.

Unfortunately, I didn't get out for a run as planned.  I slept in and then we worked and did some overdue errands.  I thought I could still go out after the kids were home from school, but Val really needed my attention and that was much more important.

The only thing I got done related to health was that I sent an email to the children support group coordinator at the hospital.  I asked if they had any support groups for kids Val's age or if we could host or start a support group. We'll see what information they can offer.

A big "thank you" goes out to all the veterans out there. Tonight, Val and Jason sang "God Bless the USA" over the phone to their grandfather who is a veteran. 

Tomorrow I've got an important work meeting in the morning and then two more pre-op appointments.  The days are just flying by now!  I hope Beth's surgery went well today and she feels better soon.

Good luck, Beth!

We had the pre-op appointment with the surgical oncologist.  I had an EKG, blood drawn, and a chest xray.  They told me not to take aspirin or ibuprofen and a whole host of other things including vitamins and herbs.  They gave me some antibacterial soap to wash with both the night before and the morning of surgery.  They also said something about fasting and no gum or mints or nail polish.  We have all that information in a document of some sort, thank goodness. None of it really stuck with me. Ken will most likely be in charge of the evening before surgery and the morning of, too.  I won't want to handle all those details.  
I also signed a paper that said I was getting a left mastectomy and sentinel node biopsy and a right prophylactic mastectomy, both with immediate reconstruction with expanders.

I had some good news today.  I talked with a friend of mine who manages the Plastic Surgeon practice.  She saw me at our consult appointment and we talked about kids but not about why I was there.  It took me until today to call her.  I know I should have called her earlier, I just kept putting it off until it was bothering me to no end.  So I called her and told her what was going on.  I also told her I was concerned that my doctor was fairly new to the practice and I asked if I should reschedule with a different doctor.  She said that everyone in the practice is outstanding but out of the five doctors in the practice, she would choose my doctor or another one to do her own reconstructive surgery.  She said he does good work and his work also looks good. I was very relieved. 

It also made me feel good that she told the doctors and her staff that I was a good friend of hers and was to get extra special treatment.  I know they treat all their patients well, but it was good to know that my friend is there looking out for me too.  It will be nice to have her there while I go in for my numerous appointments over the next year or so.  I have my pre-op appointment with my plastics doctor on Thursday.

In addition to all of that, I got a lot done at work today.  I stayed a little late since I had a doctor's appointment this morning and I was able to make major progress on one of the two primary projects I need to complete before the end of the day on November 20.

If you're reading this on Tuesday night, November 10 or Wednesday, November 11, please send some of prayers or thoughts or vibes to Beth at http://itsnotcancerbut.blogspot.com/ who is having her prophylactic bilateral mastectomy tomorrow.  We're pulling for you, Beth.  Show me how it's done!

Many blessings today

Valerie did an amazing thing today.  She took care of an issue with an unfair grade and got it changed.  We are so impressed with her!  One day this quarter, she rolled an ankle in gym class and Ken had to take her out of school and to the doctor.  On that day, she missed math class and a math assignment.  When grade cards were calculated, she got a late grade for that assignment and it took her from a 97% to an 88% for the quarter, knocking her out of the "A" honor roll.  Ken and I were upset about it, as was Val.  She heard Ken talking about sending an email to the teacher because it was just the right thing to do.  So she took care of it by talking with the teacher.  Ken didn't tell her to do it.  Neither did I.  She just did.  She also got some work done that has been stressing her.  So when she called me after school she was almost giddy with happiness and said that she got two major "bricks" off her shoulders today.  We went out to Max and Ermas to celebrate tonight.

Today I also experienced two eye-opening things.  Driving back to work after my appt with the psychologist, I heard a terrible sound and looked in my rear view mirror.  Less than a quarter mile behind me, I watched a car flip to it's top.  Several other cars and trucks pulled over and I saw two men in a truck jump out to offer assistance to the person/people in the car.  I really hope they are okay.  The second event took place at Max and Erma's tonight.  Ken is always talking with someone I don't know, usually a dad of a child he coached for soccer or baseball.  Tonight someone came to talk with him and when he left the table, he headed back to his table where his wife and 3 kids under the age of 8 were sitting.  Ken told me that is the man who played on his church softball team, the one who was diagnoised with an inoperable brain tumor this summer. 

My appointment with the psychologist went well.  I'll probably need longer than half a day to see if it has an impact, but it was good to talk about it with someone who has dealt with many people in this situation.  She challenged me a bit and helped me see some of what was going on with me. 

I have made a surgery decision on the outside, but have not accepted it on the inside yet.  And I'm grieving.  There may be more issues too, but that's a big part of it. 

I'm going to try to schedule another meeting with her next week.  She and I agree that it would be good to establish our relationship now in case I need her after the surgery.  We both expect the post-surgery emotional response to be an issue since I'm not dealing well with the pro-active (called prophylactic) part of this surgery.  As far as we know, one breast is healthy.  And I have a suspicion the other breast may present very little, if any cancer, given that the MRI and mammogram can't pick it up.  Something tells me they got most of it out with the biopsy.

As for the decision, I know the bilateral mastectomy is the only real option for me.  Any other choice will be gambling with the odds.  And I need to do whatever I can to try to stop it from moving into the rest of my body.

So I've made the decision, I just haven't accepted it yet.  If that is still true in two weeks, the post-surgery emotions will be tough.  Hey, at least it's a step to admit it here.

I also had a good talk with my boss today.  I have a lot I'd like to get done at work in the next two weeks (which she pointed out is really only 7 days due to days off).  Yikes!  But I'm feeling like I can be ultra productive right now and it makes such a difference to be surrounded by the support of my boss and colleagues.

Good weekend

I had a wonderful weekend, though emotional at times.  I intended to write a vendor document this weekend for work, but I didn't get it done.  Oh well, I decided to quit pushing myself that hard because I need some strength to get through all my preop appointments next week and I need to relax a little sometimes.

The great parts of the weekend included family time.  The kids had a swim meet on Saturday and both did great. It was fun to watch them. Ken and I got some time to ourselves and enjoyed time with friends.  We had a great meal at Bucca di Beppo and our suite at the Lofts was incredible.

On the exercise front, I ran a little on Saturday morning, but didn't have much time.  I put in just 20 minutes and then had to head out the door for the swim meet.  I'm still sore and I'm not sure why.  Now it's my calves and IT bands that are incredibly sore, both to the touch and when I walk or run.  I decided not to run today to try to recover longer.  My only exercise today was the 2 hours to mow the lawn.  It took longer than usual because I went very slowly and did some parts twice in an attempt to mow the lawn and mulch the leaves in one step.

Our daughter is doing really well with her braces so far and is able to eat things that are small, soft, and cut up.  She's eating much slower, but is at least eating real food, not just milk shakes.  This evening she went over to a friend's house to play and reports having a fun time.  They went to a playground and tried to rig up their own tetherball with a soccer ball, twine, and tape.  Too bad we weren't there to see it, I'm sure it was fun.  The friend is a classmate who lost her mother to cancer last year.  Val said they didn't talk about it while they were together today, but I've talked with Val about it a couple of times and she seems to think it was the chemo that killed her mom.  If I have to get chemo, we'll have to figure out a way to help her understand it wasn't the chemo but because the chemo didn't work.  I met her friend tonight when I picked Val up and she seemed to be a quiet and very nice girl.  Her caregiver said her Dad encourages friends to come over since the girl needs to spend less time alone outside of school.  Maybe now she's starting to branch out more.  Or maybe she feels a connection with Val since they both have this cancer situation in common.  I know Val feels more of a connection to the girl because of it.

I read Beth's blog on the pre-op appointment tonight and it teared me up.  I commented on her note because I'm just so amazed at how well she is doing with this and her commitment and strength to see it through. 

I also listened to some podcasts from the American Cancer Association while I mowed the lawn today.  It was good and tough at the same time.  Tomorrow, I'm going to see the cancer psych doctor to try to get a handle on what is the toughest part of this for me and to help me figure out what I need to do to get past it.  I'm fine most of the time. I suppose that's because I'm focused on other things most of the time.  When my focus is on the surgery or treatement, though, I get weepy.

Tough day

Valerie got braces today. She looks so much older! However, she's very cute, as always. She's sore, but is handling it pretty well. It helps that Ken has been taking great care of her since she got home from school. She's had macaroni and cheese and other soft foods and a couple of ice cream treats today too.

I had a tough day today. It started out with a great meeting at work. My colleague and friend, Anne, and I brainstormed some ideas that will have OSU-wide impact, so that was fun and productive. Afterward, I went to my appointment with the Medical Oncologist.

The staff was concerned that I was there before surgery and I had to tell several people that I knew the doctor would not have a treatment plan for me before the pathology results after surgery. Once she got there, she was patient and spent a lot of time with me. Through my questions and our discussion, I learned a lot that I didn't know.

I learned that whether I need chemo is totally unrelated to whether I get a bilateral mastectomy or a lumpectomy. Likewise, whether or not I will have to take tamoxifin is also unrelated to my surgery choice. Both of those post-surgical treatments are determined by the pathology results, the results of testing the tissue after surgery. So it's possible I'll need chemo even if I get a mastectomy. And it's more than possible - it's actually likely - that I'll have to take tamoxifin either way.

I was also wrong about a couple of other things:

Doctor visits: I thought I'd have less doctor visits if I had a mastectomy because the cancer would be gone. In reality, I'll probably have more doctor visits because I'll still have all the oncology appointments but I'll also have very frequent appointments with the plastic surgeon.

Quality of Life: I thought choosing the bilateral mastectomy would allow me to skip chemo and thus all of the side effects that terrify me. I thought I'd be able to keep my hair. I thought I wouldn't get weak or sick or have to deal with all of the other terrible things that happen with chemo. Since whether I have chemo is not related to my surgical choice, this is not true. Also, choosing the mastectomy would not allow me to skip the medication, either. I'll probably have to take tamoxifin either way.

So that basically leaves just four reasons to have the mastectomy instead of the lumpectomy:

1. It's very likely that no radiation will be required after a bilateral mastectomy. However, given all the post-treatment options, radiation is by far the least terrible.
2. If I don't need radiation, the reconstruction options are much better and I'm at a much lower risk of having complications with the reconstruction.
3. And the big question mark reason - A bilateral mastectomy would reduce the risk of recurrence. I'm still so very shaky on this one. If more than half of women who were successfully treated with breast cancers never have recurrences, and I take tamoxifin which further decreases the chance of recurrence by 50%, then what is the real benefit of the bilateral mastectomy?
4. Related to #3 is the fact that this breast cancer is difficult to find and in dense breasts like mine, it's especially tricky to catch. If there is a recurrence, there is a question about whether it would be caught early enough to stop the spread to other parts of my body. 

As for the other side, reasons to have the lumpectomy instead include:

1. Shorter recovery time so I can get back to work and family activities much quicker.
2. Keep real breasts which improves body image, confidence, sensuality, and fit of my clothes.
3. Can get back into running much quicker and easier. With a year of reconstructive surgery processes, the doctor today did not expect me to want to be running while I'm uncomfortable with the stretching and other processes. I could be out of running shape for a year. I may never go back.
4. The doctor today said that the lumpectomy was a very reasonable choice. She agreed that the bilateral mastectomy was a more radical choice, but one that women sometimes choose to do all they can to fight this disease.

I talked for a long time with my friend, Eunice, after work today. She was wonderful and I am continuing to process our conversation and what she said.

I'm also meeting on Monday with a psychologist at the breast cancer treatment facility, a doctor who deals only with breast cancer patients. Since I'm still struggling with this choice, talking with someone who sees many breast cancer patients may help me figure out what is really going on with me and perhaps I'll gain some insights into what is behind my emotions.

Another friend at work, Bethany, has been a strong advocate this week too. She is helping Ken and I try to figure out what amount we should pledge for the medical flexible spending account so we can save almost 30% on our health bills beginning January 1. She also hooked me up with a Nurse Case Manager. Bethany hand-picked this case manager for me and really trusts this person. The nurse offered to help do research on options to help better understand the best course of treatment. She will also contact a well-known doctor at OSU who is known for his work with cancer, nutrition during treatment, etc. and try to get me an appointment very soon (it's difficult to get in to see him). I think Ken knows this doctor from when he worked at the Medical Center.

Soooooo . . . a very long-winded post today. I'm amazed you actually read it this far down on the page!

Overreacted,but fun weekend ahead

I've been out of running shape for a few days. It’s nothing long-term or serious, just a cramped hamstring that is limiting motion and a huge blister on my Achilles area that broke and is now very sore. It's depressing because I have a very limited number of days before I have to stop running for probably 6 or 8 weeks. Also, the weather has been great and it would have been good to get out there.

Work has been crazy busy and I've been trying to make the best of my time to try to get things done before surgery. I'm not sure how long I'll be out of work, I guess it depends on how I feel. I'm fortunate to have enough sick time to be flexible on that. I'm marking from Nov 23 through Jan 1 as "out" on my calendar, but I may work from home or even go in the office once I'm feeling better. I've got some challenging and impactful things on my plate and I'd like to keep moving them forward if I can. I'll try to listen to my body and do what's best for my health, though too - mentally as well as physically. Running has taught me to listen better to the physical side, at least.

Yesterday I overreacted to something going on at work. Luckily, the action I took was to send my boss an email. Therefore, she was the one who learned of my paranoia and she called it to my attention. I don't think I did any damage outside of that and Nancy and I have a good relationship so we'll certainly get past it. I apologized for over-reacting, of course.

Since my diagnosis, I've been reading about similar things happening to people in stressful health situations but I had not been aware of doing anything like that until yesterday. I know I am pressed for time and had some roadblocks on a task I was trying to get completed before surgery. Three issues related to that task converged at the same time and I overreacted to one of them as a result.

The overreaction may not be related to the health stress -  it may have been more about being pressed for time - but either way, I hope I'm not doing that in general right now. If I am, certainly take my boss' lead and let me know. If I know about it, I can do something about it. For this task, I chose to stop dealing with it today and I'll make some time tomorrow to take a fresh crack at making progress.

Despite the little hump mentioned above, work is going pretty well right now, as are things on the home front. Ken and I are having a getaway night this weekend. His parents are going to stay with the kids Saturday night while we get a fancy hotel room downtown. We're meeting some friends for dinner and we may be going to a show afterward. Whatever we do, it will be nice to have some time. Thank you, Jan and Jim!

Tomorrow I see the Medical Oncologist for a consult. I know she won't be able to give me a specific post-op treatment recommendation until she sees the test results after surgery. However, I'd like to learn all I can about the possible options and find out how long we'll have to wait after surgery for the results.

Invigorating day

I had an invigorating day at work today.  I know that's a strange word to use for work, but it was a day in which I got some motivation for both work and personal things.  I'm embarking on a couple of very challenging work assignments, connecting with people whom I respect and admire, and continually being reminded of my blessings that have not changed despite the cancer diagnosis that threatens me.

I also connected with a very special work friend today.  I think we underestimate our colleagues as friends much of the time.  Through this time of health crisis, I've been reminded that my friendships are important to me, both at work and outside of work. 

Managing energy

I felt pretty terrible yesterday and then not so great this morning, either.  Since my only meeting got canceled, I decided to work from home.  Even then, I only got a couple of hours in before my headache made it difficult to concentrate and I laid down for a nap. 

I got up about an hour later and took some ibuprophin and changed into running clothes.  I know that sounds crazy with this nasty flu bug going around, but I don't have a fever and I need to kick whatever this is so I can get on with other things.  It's a gorgous day today - lower 50s and sunny.  I told myself I was going outside to walk and get fresh air.  Although it was hot in the house, I kept having bouts of being shivery and cold.  I figured going outside and getting some fresh air couldn't hurt. 

Although I fully intended to just walk, I'm always the optimist and changed into running clothes - just in case.  I took my mp3 player and temporarily skipped a few steverunner episodes to listen to Fdip211: Gifts, Gadgets and Gizmos for Runners where he read an email I sent him.  I'm not sure I'm into most of the running gagets that he mentioned, although the trigger point massage and rolling ball thing sounded like it might be good for my calves and IT bands which I have a tough time loosening.  I already  have a Garmin 305.  My favorite parts of his shows are his ramblings on life in general and I congratulate him on his news of soon becoming a grandfather! 

It was such a gorgous day.  I started by walking a mile at 18:36 and felt myself get a little weak and sweaty before the mile was even over.  I hoped that wasn't an omen.  I started to run after the first mile and the first two blocks seemed tough so I didn't think I'd be able to finish even the one mile, but then I got in a groove.

I ended up running 3 miles at 11:01, 10:51, and 10:53.  Then I walked a half mile to cool down.  So in all, I ran 3 miles and walked 1.5.  Not bad for a sick person.  I'm still a little dizzy and still have an "iffy" stomach, but I do feel a lot better. I'll be able to get some more work before the kids get home and then more while they are at piano and church school tonight.  In all, I hope taking the time out for the nap and run will make me more productive today as I managed my energy well.  We'll see how the rest of the day goes.

This month

It's been a busy weekend.  Our daughter had a volleyball tournament on Saturday and then both kids had sleepovers at friends' houses.  Ken and I took advantage of the time and went out on the town.  We danced a lot and saw some old friends.  It was fun, but I'm certianly paying for it today.  I think we would have been better off staying home for a romantic evening in . . . I certainly would have been better off.  Oh well.  We never go out, so it's good that we found some time to do that.

Beth at http://itsnotcancerbut.blogspot.com/ just posted that she's having her mastectomy next week.  Wow.  Her post made me realize I'm having mine this month.  I'm scheduled for November 23.  How can it seem so close and yet so far away at the same time?  I'm REALLY not looking forward to this in any way.  I know I should look at it as a way to get rid of this terrible, threatening cancer in me . . . but I keep focusing that it will be the day I lose something dear to me, something that is so much a part of me . . . . it just seems impossible that it will really happen.  Yet it will.

In general, I'm doing pretty well.  I get sad sometimes, of course.  I wonder if that ever will go away.  I suppose it will, but it might take a long time.  The reconstruction process takes about a year, so I'll be reminded all the time by numerous doctor visits.  And of course I'll be reminded first by pain and then later by a foreign feeling on my chest.  I suppose someday I'll get used to that too.  It's just something I have to deal with and it will seem normal to me as I take each step at a time.

I'm wishing Beth well and sending coping and healing vibes to her.  Let me know how you're doing, Beth.  I'm pulling for you, as are your family and friends.