Safe and sound in Nebraska

We made it to Nebraska despite all the snow.  Our flights were on time and uneventful from Columbus to Chicago and then again from Chicago to Omaha.  We had to wait about 30 minutes for our rental car because people were turning them in late because of the weather. 

All day long our Nebraska friends and relatives were keeping us updated about the I-80 interstate closings.  We were able to drive as far as Lincoln but couldn't get all the way to Kearney which was supposed to be our initial destination.  All is fine though because Lee Ann lives in Lincoln, so we went to her house and she's hosting us tonight.  On the way, we picked up Valentino's pizza and a bottle of Baileys Irish Cream.  So we're set for the night.

The kids are outside playing in the huge snow drifts here.  Some of the drifts along the interstate were taller than the full sized car we were driving and looked like breaking ocean waves that were frozen as they toppled over.  The interstate really wasn't bad at all.  Some of the side streets are pretty rough, but we made our way easily to Lee Ann's street and then broke drifts for two blocks on her street to get to her house. 

I'm on meds again today because I didn't want to deal with it all while traveling.  I also was lifting and moving our luggage despite the dirty looks I'd get from Ken.  Hey, someone had to do it and he was already loaded down.  I did get Val to carry one more bag than usual so she was getting quite a workout and I had a little less than normal.

Ran without pain! - Oh, and Merry Christmas!

I ran an entire mile today with no chest pain at all.  I had no "wind" because my endurance is so terrible, but my expanders must now fill the cavity completely so they don't move around when I run.  I didn't have to do anything unnatural with my stride or arms or anything.  I just went out and ran as awkwardly as always, well, a bit more so since I'm so incredibly out of shape.

First, I ran a mile (I know, that's terrible with no warm up) and then I walked/ran another 2.5.  My Garmin reports 11:15, 16:49, and 12:24 for the 3 miles.  I finished up walking a half mile in 9:55. 

What a great way to celebrate Christmas!  I know, that's terrible.  I led this post with the running celebration instead of celebrating Christmas.  I was just so surprised that I could run . . . it really shocked me.  No pain. 

We did have a wonderful Christmas celebration at our place these past few days.  We celebrated with Ken's parents and his sister and her family.  Santa even graced our home sometime in the night and left the little ones (5 kids with mine being the oldest at 8 and 11) some wonderful presents. 

Merry Christmas everyone!  Now we're packing to get ready to travel to Nebraska.  I may be silent for a while on the blog because we'll be traveling and visiting with lots of my Nebraska friends and relatives.  I'll try to send an update at some point this upcoming week, though.  If I don't, have a wonderful New Years.

Christmas Eve

I've been over-doing it quite a bit these last few days.  Lots of carrying things, reaching to the top shelf, doing dishes, decorating tables, and trying on lots and lots of clothes.  The result is as you would expect.  I'm pretty sore.  For the morning, "sore" is quite an understatement.  This morning I felt like I was back at recovery week #1 instead of #4.  Ouch.  The truck was back on my chest again and I needed help getting out of bed. I'm sore now too, but I'm still able to go about my business with only a little whining.  I need meds now, though.  And sleep.  I hate going to sleep, but I know I need it.   

The doctors said I wasn't supposed to carry anything heavier than a gallon of milk for 4 weeks.  Well, it's over 4 weeks now since my surgery on November 23.  So I've jumped in with both . . . errrr . . . arms . . . and have been trying to be my usual "host the family" self.  I love having people over and planning the meals and snacks and fun drinks.  I also get a kick out of the festive dishes and platters. 

We've been working on finishing the basement for quite awhile and this year we've added a kitchenette to the 2 bedroom, 1 bath, living quarters down there.  It's a beautiful Ikea kitchen with a granite countertop, farm sink (my favorite part), full refrigerator, dishwasher, microwave, and oven.  We used the basement oven twice today.  It has been so nice having two ovens in the house.  Now we can cook two or more things at a time, despite the required cooking temperatures.  It's just perfect for these holiday occassions. 

I know I've been a bit stubborn about doing things for myself and the crew this week.  I've been doing it all as I would have if I hadn't just been through a pretty serious surgery.  Everyone keeps trying to get me to sit down and relax while they do the dishes or whatever.  And yet I don't.  At least I didn't try to carry the table we moved from the basement.  I also showed restraint when I went to reach for a large stack of plates and I took half at a time to ensure I didn't have a pec muscle freak out and make me drop them all.  By 2pm today, I retreated to my room and took a nap.  Getting up an hour later was tough, but required to get to church.

Tomorrow's the big day.  Santa's coming tonight.  The kids will go crazy with all these gifts and Ken will too because he's getting a new gaming system (Xbox 360).  After we open presents and have lunch, Ken's sister and parents will leave and then we will get down to some serious packing for Nebraska.  I won't be carrying any heavy items this time, so we may have to rely on Val to take my place as pack mule.  She's certainly strong enough. 

Merry Christmas everyone!

 

Sporting a B now, just in time for Christmas

I got my expanders filled today and I got another 90 cc x 2 for a total of 410 cc in each.  Afterward, we went directly to Kohl's and I learned that I fit in some B bras now.  I'm still shaped too "pancake-like" to fit very well, but I purchased 2 new B bras from Kohls.  I came home and immediately tried on what seemed like hundreds of shirts to find ones that fit given the new shape I'm sporting these days.  I needed to know what to pack to take to Nebraska.  Some of my old standbys no longer really work and some of the things that were iffy before now are okay.  It's strange.

My expanders are wider than the implants will be so I am wider and feel a bit barrel chested.  Some of the saline is under my arms instead of on my chest.  Also, the shape is a little different between the left and right.  It's certainly something I'll have to get used to since I need to have these expanders in for at least another 8 or 12 weeks. 

I think I'm getting really close to the right size now since the bras fit.  So I need to wait until my appointment with the surgeon on Jan 14 to find out if he wants more fills to make room for the right implant.  If I don't need more fills, I'll be ready for my second surgery in 8 weeks.  If I need more fills, it will be more like 12+ weeks before I get these expanders out.

In talking with the nurse today I learned that the implants will be MUCH more comfortable than the expanders.  She brought in examples of both and the implants are much softer and pliable than the expander.  They are also shaped quite differently and are not attached to my chest in any way, instead, they fill the cavity and move with me.  Now I get pinched pretty hard if I try to do something that makes the expander try to shift in any direction.  I'm so glad I won't be living with that terrible feeling once I get the implants.  Aside from the obvious day-to-day limitations, it really makes sleeping difficult since I'm a side-sleeper and I like to switch sides often.

Ken's family has all arrived now and we're having a wonderful evening with wine and cheese and Christmas cookies.  I get deliriously happy when I get to use my reindeer plates and my Christmas platters.  The kids were playing without adult supervision, although Val is sometimes taking on that role.  Now they are getting ready for bed.  All 5 of them are sleeping in Jason's bedroom tonight (ages 2.5, 5, 7, 8 and 11).  Val (age 11) is the only girl, but she'll be the first to explain that she isn't a "girly girl" so she can relate and play well with all the boys.  And she does. 

Remember all those cute little pajamas with feet?  The youngest still has those and he's soooo cute!

I hope you all are having wonderful holiday celebrations with your family and friends.  Such times really make me understand what is important.  I know I made the right decision in getting rid of the cancer and pre-cancer all at once.  I'd like to have many, many more of these family celebrations.

Fill 'er up! and wireless bras

Well, my life is getting back to being almost as busy as before.  I did officiate the swim meet two days this weekend and attended Val's 6th grade band concert last night.  Today I did some last-minute shopping, got a much needed hair cut and took the kids to swim practice.  Ken's parents got here yesterday and his sister and her family are coming tomorrow.  We'll have a great Christmas with them and then we'll leave for Nebraska.  When we return, I'll go back to work full-time and we'll start our hectic lives once again.  As much as I looked forward to some alone time, I know it will be good to get back to our routine.

Tomorrow, I get another "fill" in the expanders to strech my chest skin enough to accept the implants.  I don't know how far to expand them because the saline seems to be filling out kind of flat, like cow patties. Sorry, Nebraska analogy.  Since I've been in Ohio since 1988, I should probably say something like "they are filling out flat, kind of like a beret."  Wait, I've never been to France and know nothing of head fashions.  So I'm at a loss.  So much for this simile.

While I was shopping, I finally found some bras without wires in them.  When the surgeon required no wireless bras, I knew I'd have to buy new ones since all I have is underwires.  Evidently that's all anyone has these days because the stores sell little else.  I found one at Target, but it was a nursing bra.  After the long search, I figured I should buy it.  Then I found several better ones in Kohls but I refused to stand in line for 45 minutes to pay for them, so I left.  I'll try to pick them up tomorrow and hope for less of a line.  Besides, if we go after the fill, I can actually try them on. 

So my question is "why can't they make pretty bras with no wires?"  What's up with that?  The only advantage to these new appendages is that they don't need any support.  I just need a bra to hide the scars, really.  Otherwise the primary purpose of a bra is completly unnecessary for me.  Speaking of bras, I've realized my sports bras don't squish me now.  I'm not sure that is a good thing for running.  The squishing was comforting and solid.  I have no idea how it will be with real implants.  I don't much like it with the expanders, I can tell you that. Beth has a funny post on running with expanders that is so completely right-on with how I experience these awkward things.

I'm looking forward to celebrating Christmas with family and wish you all very happy holidays and a new year full of love, success, and fulfillment.

Staff lunch and swim meet

It's a very busy weekend for the Orr household.  Friday, Ken and I had our holiday luncheon with our colleagues.  I met them at a great restaurant I'd never heard of, Cantina Laredo and it was great to see everyone again.  I've only been off work for a little over 3 weeks, but it seems much longer. When I got home I found Ken had brought home a huge Fruit basket with a poinsettia and breast cancer awareness ribbons from my fabulous staff.  The message was "congratulations" for being cancer-free.  Before Friday, I was feeling a bit left out and missing the great people at work.  Now I'm looking forward to going back after the holidays. 

On Saturday and Sunday, we have a swim meet all day long.  Well, most of the day.  Today (Saturday), we left the house at 6:20am and warmups started at 7:30am.  The last event ended at 3pm.  I offiiciated ALL DAY.  It was a bit much and I was very tired after being on my feet all that time.  However, each day-long session is long enough to count for 2 sessions out of the 6 sessions I have to officiate this season in order to keep my official's certification active.  I certainly don't want to take all those tests again, so I'm going to try to get my 6 in before the season ends.  I'm not sure whether I'll officiate tomorrow.  I'm withholding that decision to I see how I'm feel in the morning.  It would be nice to get two more session credits, though.

To officiate, I have to wear a white shirt and blue pants.  The blue pants are easy enough, but a white shirt during this reconstruction time was quite a difficult thing to come by.  I can't wear an underwire bra (doctor's orders) and so I only have one non-athletic bra that doesn't have a wire.  It also doesn't have fitted cups so I don't quite fill it right now.  I ended up putting shoulder pads that I always cut out of shirts (my shoulders are padded quite enough, thank you) in the bra to make it not so obviously wrinkly under a white shirt.  Then I tried on probably 5 white shirts before I found a short sleeved sweater that was thick enough to mask the bra issues. 

So whether I officiate tomorrow is also impacted by whether I can find another white shirt to wear.  Maybe I'll have to wear a sports bra and go around uni-boob.  That's not as bad in a sweatshirt, but in a somewhat see-through white shirt, it's not ideal.  I may wear a very light shirt with a white 3/4 length jacket/shirt over it.  Layers works well.  Unless it gets too hot, of course.

It was supposed to snow a lot here today, but it didn't.  It was too warm and so it mostly misted today with a few flurries in the early morning. 

The kids did fine at the meet today.  It was a HUGE meet with 418 kids swimming. Val shaved 21 seconds off her 200 IM and she won her 100 backstroke heat by a 1/2 length of the pool.  Jason had his first serious competition this year.  In previous meets, he has taken first and second place in the back and free.  This meet was a bit more challenging.  Although he was disappointed in his events, we were very excited that he completed the breaststroke without once doing a scissor kick.  He also placed a very respectable 6th out of 36 in his 25 backstroke and 10th out of 36 in his 50 freestyle. 

Tonight we're doing grade homework.  Lots of it.  Most other kids in the area are already out for the holidays, but we started school late because of several new schools being built in our district.  So while everyone else is taking it easy tonight, we're doing math, reading, and working on a group project for which Val seems to be doing most of the work.  I'm proud of her for taking the responsibility and doing what needs done, though.

Motivation

First, the great news.

I went out for a walk/run today!  I walked a mile and then walked and ran a second mile.  The last half of the second mile, I ran the whole time.  Then I walked about a half mile to wrap up.  The weather was about 32 degrees f (0 c) and sunny with little wind.  I dressed well for the walk, long sleeve T, cotton sweats, cotton gloves (my 13.1 gloves from the half marathon in 2008) and a quilted windbreaker jacket.  It was a little warm for the run part, but I just unzipped the jacket and took off my gloves and I was fine. 

I'm so glad I got out.  I listened to Steverunner's halloween podcast (yes, I'm behind the times) and learned why he wants to run a sub-4 hour marathon.  He came oh so close a few years ago, so I know he'll meet that goal in autumn 2010.

Now for the tough part. 

I had a really difficult time forcing myself outside.  I don't know why.  I just did.  The weather was perfect, I certainly had the time, I downloaded several new podcasts on my MP3 player . . . there was no reason not to go out. 

This is my last day at home alone during this recovery period.  I wanted to make the most of it - to do things I can't do when others are here.  Like what?  Since I'm not really interested in running around the house naked, I guess watching rated PG-13 and R movies would rank up there as something I can't do often.  Watching TV in general is something I rarely do in normal, everyday life.  But I've done some of that during recovery and I don't feel better for it.  Actually I feel worse.  The "couch of doom" does not have the answers to my questions nor does it hold the key to my recovery or happiness.

Other than this being my last day to be alone (tomorrow I need to take Val to the orthodonist and then go to a holiday lunch for work), I wasn't sure what was stopping me from getting out there.  But I finally got ready to go and stepped out the door . . . only to find that my Garmin needed charged.  I must have left it on the last time I went out.  Oh well.  I left it at home.

The first mile was just a walk though I was toying with the idea of running a little.  The docs said I could start to run in 3 weeks.  However, one doctor said I won't want to run with the expanders in because it will be "uncomfortable" (medical-ese for major pain).  Three weeks passed on Monday, but I was worried about my fluid build-up, so I waited.  Today I decided I needed to get out.  My whole body was tight and sore from having to sleep on my back and I just wanted to get loosened up and feeling better. 

A little past the half-mile mark, I started to get weepy.  I was sad and frustrated and mad at myself.  Five or 6 years ago, I lost about 30 pounds and then began running.  For a while it was easy to keep the pounds off but then it just started coming back.  I was able to hold out at 10 lbs up (still 20 lbs better than before) for several years, but recently I've slipped and I was 15 lbs up when I was diagnoised with breast cancer.  Now I'm almost to the point where I was before I lost the 30 pounds.  I'm so disappointed that I've let it come to this.  Now everything is harder.  Running is much harder when carrying around an extra 30 pounds.  So is feeling good about myself and staying positive.  Even "being there" for my family and friends is hard when I'm feeling so bad about myself. 

I shook off the tears and finished walking the rest of the first mile.  Then I started the second mile.  I tried running slowly but it bothered my chest so I walked again.  Then I ran a little more and tried to not bounce so much.  My running mentor, Jim, talked with me about running lightly like on glass so as to not break it.  I tried that and it helped some but it still felt strange in my chest.  So I walked more.  Then I tried running by holding my chest in with my arms and I kept running.  I continued to try things to decrease the bounce on my chest and I was able to run a half mile.  I kept my elbows tight to my body while running and only moved my arms at and below the elbows. 

The half mile run was an accomplishment for me (sounds crazy, huh?).  It was tough to keep running the last quarter mile, but I finished it and then walked.  And cried some more.  I had my sunglasses on so I wasn't obviously sad to anyone who might see me.  A man who was delivering suburban newspapers drove by and said something encouraging about running and perhaps something about not over-doing it.  No doubt he thought I just finished a 5 mile run in 45 minutes or something crazy like that.  I just smiled, said "thanks" and waved.

I walked the last half mile and tried to determine why I was weepy.  I guess it's the extra weight I'm carrying and the trouble with motivation that is so frustrating to me.  This breast cancer and surgery has set me back quite a bit, but I was not doing great before the diagnosis either. 

It's not so easy for me to do this running thing.  I don't know why.  I certainly feel better when I run.  Maybe I just need to force myself to do it more often until it's a habit that does not require re-commitment every time I do it.  I have a full time + job and two kids who still need help with homework and an incredible husband with whom I spent much too little time and friends who I love dearly but rarely see.  Yet, I know I need to make time for me or I won't do well in any of these roles I love. 

So that's how this blog started, prior to really understanding what this breast cancer diagnosis really meant.  Now I've gotten rid of the cancer and I need to pull myself back up and get on the road to recovery for the whole me. 

Still expanding

I went to the plastic surgeon's office for my second fill today.  I was nervous about it because I think the first time they just filled up the cavity that was already there so very little expansion was going on.  So I took a Percocet and a muscle relaxant and they put in 80cc for each.  Now it's tight and expanding.  Other than being a little sore, it's not too bad yet.

My next expander fill is Wednesday, Dec 23.  I'm not sure how many more I'll have after that.  I guess it depends on how much I can get in that day.  Maybe I'll be able to do two or three fills in January and then wait a few months before my next surgery when they put in the implants.

Some good news - the fluid that was building up under my left arm is shrinking.  The nurse looked at it today and wasn't too worried about it.  After this fill, it does seem less swollen and watery there.  I'll keep a close eye on it the rest of the week and we'll see the surgeon if it gets worse.  I haven't been walking as often right now since I learned that exercise can make the fluid build up worse under my arm.  However, if the worst of the fluid build up is behind me now, I will start walking again soon.

I'm suprised that my arms are recovering at a vastly different rate.  My right arm is doing pretty well already.  I can't swing it in circles yet but I can almost put it straight above my head.  My left arm isn't even remotely that agile.  Anything over about 45 degrees feels tight and dangerous, like I might tear something important.

I've been able to keep up with daily work emails and am scheduling meetings for early January so I plan to be back in the office January 4, 2010.  I may have to take a day off here and there for fills, but other than that, I hope I can be back to a normal schedule.  I need to check in at work to see what they need from me for returning.  I had to do FMLA, so I may need a work release form from my plastic surgeon.

That's all for today, I guess.  Oh, wait, I forgot to mention that tonight we have Indian food.  Joseph made some very yummy smelling Indian cuisine that we are warming up for dinner tonight.  I can't wait!  What a treat!

Time is flying

I realized today that I actually have very little "Kelly" time while I'm out recovering.  Before surgery, I imagined the recovery time to be long, slow days in which I could watch movies or read.  I pictured myself with my hot tea and settling down to ground myself again . . . to figure out how to still be me post-surgery . . . to deal with the emotional hurts as well as the physical . . . to pamper myself.

I am certainly getting pampered by Ken and the kids as well as family, friends, and colleagues. I'm not having to make dinner or clean.  Ken is even taking the brunt of the homework chore. 

Unfortunately, I'm not getting as much time to myself as I had imagined. Even though I'm not working much (I'm just keeping up on emails) and Ken is doing 95% of the work around the house, somehow I'm still caught up in the crazy schedule we keep.  Today I figured out that I only have 3 more days to watch all the movies, read all the books, and rediscover who I am.  Hmmmm, quite a tall order for 3 days.

Tomorrow is Tuesday and I'll have from 9-3 by myself.  Wednesday I have a doctor's appointment, so that day is shot (pun intended).  Then Thursday and Friday I'll have 9-3 again.  This weekend is a big swim meet and then it's holiday time.  Dec 21 through Jan 3 we'll be spending time with family either at our house or at theirs.  Now don't get me wrong, I love the holidays.  I love hosting and visiting our wonderful family.  I love all the old traditions and the ones we are making ourselves.  I'm fortunate enough to have an incredible family and close friends who have become like family too.

So I'm not whining about "obligations" because I really want to do all these family things.  I just wish I also had a few more weeks before or after the holidays when I could do all I fantasized about prior to surgery.  I guess that's what we all want, more time.  Well, at least as a result of this surgery, I have been given the gift of time.  Early detection and proactive surgery has made it much more likely that I will have more holidays with my children and hopefully with their children too.

'Tis the season

It's beginning to [feel] a lot like Christmas

Our house is decorated. We're buying Christmas presents.  Church is including holiday songs in the service.  Ken is playing the "All Christmas, All the Time" radio stations.  The kids are bringing home candy canes and continuously revising their Christmas lists.  Jason is asking the dreaded questions asked by Virginia and other kids who are questioning everything as they grow up.  Friends are sending Christmas cookies and other goodies.  Ken started our gas fireplace today and I'm sipping peppermint tea and writing by the fire.  We are so truly blessed this Christmas season.

Everywhere I go

Friday night, one of my staff members had a house warming party.  Dan bought his first house and he invited friends and colleagues to celebrate with him.  I was so impressed!  The house is beautiful and he's really smart to begin his investment now.  Jason was at a sleepover party, so we took Valerie and I was very proud of her there.  She was even interested in the house tour.  However, it was the chocolate fountain that had her hooked for most of the time we were there.  I purposely didn't take my meds in the afternoon so I could have a drink there if I wanted.  I ended up having just a beer, but it had been so long since I had one, it was really good and freeing to be able to get out and celebrate.

Saturday night we went to Jean and Richard's house for our annual QOI (Quality and Operations Improvement) party.  Ken worked in the Medical Center's QOI office for a few years after we got married.  He had such incredible colleagues there and though most of them have moved on to other jobs, they continue to get together yearly to keep in touch and celebrate their life changes.

They are a very fun group and we had a wonderful time.  Jean and Richard are well-known for their fantastic drinks, so I went the afternoon and evening without meds in preparation for that party too.  There I had 2 Lemon Pie martinis and a "Cup of Yum" (chocolate martini) over about 4 hours.  It was heavenly. 

See, all I need are some parties to get me off these silly meds.  The proper incentive is all I lacked. 

Another fun part of the QOI party are the gift exchanges.  Val got a Target gift card and Jason got Pokemon cards, so they are both quite excited.  The adults also had a gift exchange (the type where we draw numbers and steal presents from each other).  We got a modern candle and holder that will go great with the decor in our newly renovated basement.

Our marathon/ironman friend didn't make it to the QOI party, however I think most everyone else did. It was particularly great to talk with one of the women who also has cancer and is a runner.  She was very inspiring as we talked about her treatment and strong motivation to run. She has already completed a marathon and plans to do another one in the next year or two, despite the fact that she needs surgery and may need another round of chemo. She's amazing! We laughed at many things about our plights and shared our stories, including what we each have ahead of us.

I had a wonderful time but I paid for it last night. It wasn't the martinis that got to me, though. I didn't feel them at all. Missing a couple of Percocets and muscle relaxants, however, made for a very sore night and early morning. Even today while on the meds, I have a very sore place on the left side.  It was worth it though.  I'd do it again despite the pain.  So I guess it couldn't have been that bad.  I may have overdone it a bit on Saturday during the day, though.  I went shopping and made some food for the party.  Now it seems like I have fluid collecting on the left side.  I'm not going to panic about it yet, I'll just watch it and hope my body catches on that it needs to drain.  It could turn into lymphedema, the doctor might have to drain it with a needle on Thursday, or it could just go away by itself.  I'll take door # 3.

On the positive side, prior to both parties, I took REAL showers.  That was almost as wonderful as the parties.  Washing in a soapy wonderland.

Shower and a house warming

Mornings are not good.  I have certainly turned back into a non-morning person.  Whether or not I get up to take meds in the middle of the night, I still have a tough time in the morning.  It's difficult to get out of bed and to start the day with the annoying sponge bath ritual.  Also, it's such a strange sensation to go from a prone position to upright.  It's like the expanders move around in my chest and change position too. 

Tonight we went to Dan's housewarming party.  His house is an old victorian-type place and it's really, really nice.  I was very impressed.  He's a smart guy to do the first home buyer thing right now for the federal funds.  And on top of that, he got money from the university as an incentive to purchase in an area that campus wants rehabed by OSU employees. 

Jason was at a birthday party sleepover, but Valerie came with us to the party.  There were no other kids there, but Dan had a chocolate fountain and that was all she needed to be happy.  We also had some great conversations with some of his church friends.

Before we went out, I took a shower.  Kinda.  I had a big surprise when I got up this morning because my drain hole actually kept draining when I took off the dressing to check it out.  Drainage was almost pouring out and I had to move quickly to get a new dressing on it.  I checked it halfway through the day and it was better, only seeping a little.  So I changed the dressings 3 or 4 times and I think it's going to be okay now.  I'm just taking it pretty easy and not over-doing it this weekend.  But I digress.

In preparation for the shower, I got a sandwich baggie and applied two layers of tape so I could put it over my dressings on the left side.  Then I stood in the shower so the left side didn't get very wet until the end of the shower when I quickly washed and rinsed my left arm and the area around the sandwich bag dressing.  It must have worked pretty well because the dressings under the bag were still dry.  I changed them again anyway.

After we got home tonight, I opened a card from some friends who we don't see very often.  I've always admired Sheila and Tim and it was such a nice surprise to read their card and learn that I'm an inspiration to them.  Sheila has undergone amazing health challenges and is a highly respected leader at the Hospitals and Tim is an Ironman who trains with my friend Tom.  Sheila and Tim are incredible people and inspire me all the time.  I hope they are at the Christmas party we're going to tomorrow night.  I'd like to thank them for the card and catch up with all of the amazing things they've done since I last saw them.

Well, it's starting to actually feel a bit like Christmas.  I even wore a Christmas sweater when we went out tonight. 

Drain free and growing

Well, I've had a big day today.  The doctor decided to take the last drain out before doing the first expander fill.  That was certainly unexpected.  They told us it would stay in untill it drained less than 30 cc each day for two days.  My last 3 days with that drain were 38, 38, and 39.  He wrestled with the idea and in the end decided to pull it since we were filling the expander and will leave less space for fluid to collect anyway. 

Soooooooooo . . .  (queue the Born Free music)  I'm . . . drain . . . free!

I thought I'd feel back to normal after getting the drains out, but the expanders are really a pain too.  I hope the final implants are more comfortable than these expanders.  I expected to feel like my skin is pulled much too tight, but it doesn't feel like that at all.  Instead, I feel like a truck is parked on my upper chest.  I think it's the pec muscle rebelling.  Also, I feel hard, pointy places in the cleveage.  The doc checked it and said it was the expander. 

I learned something else today too.  My right breast still has lots of feeling left in it.  I don't know if that feeling will outlast the stretching and the second surgery, but I certainly felt the needle going in for the fill process. Ouch!  My left side felt it much differently.  It was more of a numb, nauseous feeling.  In all, though, it wasn't as bad as I expected.  Maybe it will be worse next time when the skin is tighter and they put in more saline.  During the surgery, the doctor was able to put in 180cc and today they added 60 to each side.  So if you ask me my bra size, I'll say 240.  Ok, not really.  But it's good I'm making progress.

Today I also learned that the surgeon actually took out 6 lymph nodes, 3 sentinal and 3 others.  All were clear of cancer.

Tonight I'll go out to meet two friends who I haven't seen since before the diagnosis.  It will be great to get out and talk.  Too bad I can't join them in a glass of wine though.

Home alone

Nothing much to report these last couple of days. 

My friend Ann came by to see me yesterday.  She brought lunch and we sat and chatted for hours.  Her kids swim with ours in the summer and we have it off very well as a family.  It was wonderful to talk with her.  A few years ago when she was 41, she went through something similar, so we had lots of stories to trade.  It reminded me of the way women who recently have had babies talk when they are alone together. 

I've been without Percocet for a few days now, but I probably stopped it a bit early.  I feel lots of muscle pain in my upper chest and am taking the muscle relaxant to try to get that muscle to be happier now that it's stretched out with the expander behind it.  I'm still on antibiotics to avoid infection in the single drain that has not been removed yet.  It's draining 38 cc daily for two days and it has to be under 30 for two days.  I'm also taking Aleve.  For someone who took very few meds, I'm not liking this medicine management thing.  I can't wait to go back to telling the nurses that I'm taking absolutely nothing. 

Today was my first day at home by myself and I was a complete sloth.  Well, other than actually washing my own hair for the first time since surgery.  Other than reaching that milestone, I caught up on my work emails and watched a movie (Martian Child) that Maggie lent me.  It was a nice day to have some quiet time.  I rarely get time home alone and it was nice to just do whatever I wanted. 

Tomorrow I have an appointment with the plastic surgeon so I won't have any time alone.  It will be another milestone, I think.  I expect to have the first fill then. Since my pecs are already incredibly sore, I'm worried it will hurt quite a bit.  I may need to start taking Percocet again.  I'll take my new book to the doctor's office.  The Mystery Book Club at work got me the next Sue Grafton book in her alphabet series (I'm on U).  A smalll group of us meet roughly monthly to read and discuss books in the mystery genre.  I'll miss the Dec meeting, but will read the book anyway - after I read the Grafton book.  Holly and Homocide is the book selection for December.

Two down, one to go

I got two drains out today, so the right side is drain-free!  What a difference that makes in pain, mobility, and attitude!  I'm not sure when the last drain will come out.  It could be as long as sometime next week.

When we got home, I immediately went out and walked 3 miles.  I felt like I could stand up straighter and move more freely.  It was wonderful to be out.

I spent the rest of the day clearing my work emails, reading a book, and helping with the kids.  I even drove the van home since the car was ready to pick up from the mechanic.  With all the hubbub, I forgot to take my afternoon pills.  I'm now 4 hours past pill time and counting.  I suppose I should take an antibiotic, but I think I'll skip the pain pills. 

Last night I was describing some swelling and mobility problems with Ken and he suggested the problem might be corrected with a muscle relaxant.  I think he was right.  I took one before going to bed and today I had more mobility and felt less swollen.   I think I'll try that again tonight.  I'm not wild about taking them during the day, though.  They make me dizzy and tired. 

Val is due home from church school any minute and we're going to have some of Mona's meatloaf.  Ken and Jason will have some later when they get home from basketball. We've already sampled some of the cookies.  They are wonderful!

Life is good

Before I went to bed Ken was being the scientist/analyst considering why my drains might be so low (I had them constricted most of yesterday).  I took this as him trying to find a reason to keep the drains in and I wasn't happy.  I went to bed a bit peeved about it.

Then this morning I woke up 5 hours past when I was due to take meds and couldn't bring myself to get out of bed to start another day with the major pain of working the entire day around these *%&$*#^$ drains.  I worked myself up to being mad at Ken for conspiring to keep the drains in longer and I was upset and fed up.

I was emotional and Jason (age 8) found me crying in the kitchen.  He asked if I was laughing and I told him I was crying.  He came over and gave me a hug and patted my back and said "it's ok, it's ok" and that made me cry more.  He was so cute and nice.  He asked me if I was crying because I hurt or because I'm sad and he seemed glad to hear it was because I was sad.  He huged me more. During this, he would stop to look behind us a couple of times and once he asked where dad was.  It was so cute.  He was being so supportive and looking for a way out at the same time.  Such a little man. I was very proud of him.

Before surgery and when we first told the kids about the cancer, I told them I might be sad sometimes but it's not because I'm sicker than they thought, it's just because I don't want to have the surgery and I'm sad I have to do it.  So Jason went right to that when I told him I was sad and he was cool with it.

Later, after meds and sulking and talking to Ken, all the while knowing I was being ridiculous, I started to feel better.  I knew all along that Ken doesn't want to make this harder for me.  He's the most supportive husband in the world!  His desire to make sure I don't have complications was just conflicting with my insanely strong need to rip these drains out. 

Anyway, it was an unusally slow day at our house today.  Mom had to fly back to Nebraska this morning.  We miss her.  The kids didn't have swimming because of a swim meet for some of the older kids.  I watched some episodes of Pushing Daisies that Karen lent to me.  Ken started the work needed to decorate the outside of the house.  Both kids played with friends and did homework.  Bob was kind enough to bring over some very yummy chicken chili, so we had lunch catered by Bob and Stephanie and dinner by Katie from work.  Ken forced me out to join him for a 1/2 mile walk which was cold, but wonderful.  Ken is at volleyball now (a team I would be playing on too if I wasn't on the injured list this year). 

So all is well in the world of Kelly again.  I'm feeling much better and have moved back up the mood elevator to Grateful.  How did I get so fortunate to have such a great husband, kids, family and friends?!  We've had such great food from so many people, too.  Everyone is sending food to warm up in the oven or microwave, so I can even do it - it's nice that I can do something around here!  We even got a contribution to have dinner or lunch at Catalfinos and I'm really looking forward to that one of these days coming up.  Life is good.

Need the meds

So today I was almost an hour late taking my noon medications and I was feeling pretty well anyway.  So I thought I'd skip the Percocet and take Tylenol instead.  Big mistake.  I lost the next 6 hours. 

My chest got heavy and I slumped even more than I already do (my posture has gotten terrible).  I started moving much more gingerly and breathing much more shallow. 

We went out to do an errand and I couldn't wait to get back.  I took a short nap then but got up when Eunice came to deliver some very yummy food for the weekend (made by Gail and Katie P).  I then went back to bed and slept until 7pm when I could take Percocet again.

Now I'm in a much better mood and moving more like myself too.  Crazy. I guess I'm not ready to drop the meds.  Too bad.  I really need to kick the need for the Percocet so I can start driving and taking some of the burden off Ken as we get back into the crazy schedule we have with getting kids to events and me to doctor appointments.

Well, it was a good try.  Maybe I'll try again next week. 

Future procedures - and Pink Glove Dance

Today's appointment went pretty much as expected. No drains can come out yet, unfortunately.  That's too bad since they are driving me crazy and causing about 80% of the pain, I think.

The plastic surgeon was very pleased with his work and the placement of the expanders.  It was fun to watch him show them to the resident or PA who was there.

So here's what I have in store for the next few months:

• Hopefully my drains will start draining less fluid and I will be able to get two of the three out next week.  The last one has to stay in for an additional week.  Darn - this is longer than I thought I'd have them in.
• Next week (Thursday) is the first "fill" of the expanders.  I currently have about 180 cc of saline in the expanders and they are looking to fill them to about 500 cc.  I think they will try to put in 60cc next week.
• For six to eight weeks, I'll be going in to the plastic surgeon's office to get saliene added.  They will "over-fill" me so I'll be bigger than desired for several months.  After I'm at max fill level, they will leave me there for 8 to 12 weeks to ensure the stretch is permanent.
• In probably March or April, I'll have surgery to remove the expander and put in the permanent implant.  This surgery will involve cutting out the current scar and creating a new scar which will hopefully be more "desirable" (docs words).  Also, this surgery might be outpatient and I may only be on pain meds for a few days afterward.  No running is allowed for 6 to 8 weeks after this surgery.  We don't want to wreck the great new scars the doc creates.
• A few months later, perhaps June or July, I'll have a nipple added.  It will be different than a real nipple, obviously and I hear they have to make them large initially and then they shrink over time.
• A few months after that, perhaps August or September, I'll have the aerola tatooed in the surgeon's office with a machine that does that strange procedure. 

And that brings us to a full year after my biopsy which was September 24, 2009. 

Check out this fun youtube video from Providence St. Vincent Medical Center:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEdVfyt-mLw. Lore has it that when the video gets 1 million hits, the company that sells the pink gloves (Medline) will make a huge contribution to the hospital and offer free mammograms for the community.

Cancer Free!

I had great news today. As a result of my Nov 23 surgery, I’m cancer-free! My surgical oncologist is not recommending ANY follow-up treatment for cancer. No chemo or hormone therapy (tamoxifin) is required. This is such a relief!

Ken and my mother went to the appointment with me and both of them are absolutely giddy.  We picked up hot fudge sundaes and brought them home for us and the kids to celebrate.  Tonight we've been calling family and starting phone trees to let everyone know.  Ken's mom, my father, my grandmother, Ken's cousin, Lee Ann, Jeff and Jen, and Bob were among those we've already talked with and they shared our excitement with strong reactions and celebration.  As I write this, Mom and Ken are still on separate phones sharing the news and I'm getting text messages from friends who are finding out from others.  It's so wonderful!

As for me, I have a tendency to bypass celebrations and focus on upcoming challenges (I'm always asking "what's next") and I find myself fighting to not do that this time.  I still have many months of doctor appointments, at least one more surgery, and over a year of rehab for reconstruction.  I'm also up 10 pounds since all this started two months ago.  It's difficult for me to be as excited as everyone else, though I know that makes absolutely no sense.

I have so much to be grateful for.  I will not die from breast cancer.  It is extremely unlikely that I will ever have breast cancer again.  I will be around to help my children as they grow up and I'll know their children.  I'll grow old with my wonderful husband.  I only need to visit the James Cancer Care clinic Dublin yearly now, for a physcial exam.  I will not need to have chemo!  No pills, either.  It is a day to celebrate. 

Thank you all for your prayers, thoughts, vibes, books, movies, food, cards, gifts, and support.  I can't begin to tell you what all this has meant for me and my family.  "Thank you" seems to be such a weak response for the gratitude I feel.  As I get to feeling better and move beyond the physical and emotional pain, I will find a way to pay this all forward and to help others.

Great food!

I had to slow down a bit today because I was tired and sore.  These drains are really a pain.  They are pulling at my skin and making it irritated and sore.  Oh how I wish I was getting them out at my appointment tomorrow, but that is highly unlikely.  I guess it's possible the right one will come out since it's draining about 30cc per day, but I'm not sure a week is long enough.  They expected the drains to be in for two weeks.  Ick!  The two on the left side are nowhere near ready to come out.

I was out with my mother looking at tile for a backsplash for the basement kitchenette.  It was a nice day, but I wasn't doing as well as yesterday so it was good to get back home and lay down. 

Yesterday and today we were treated to dinners from Tom and Cindy, colleagues at work.  We couldn't keep Ken out of the pork even before it was heated.  He declared it to be excellent cold!  I had a similar reaction to the chicken enchiladas and I ate them for both lunch and dinner.  It was wonderful to have this food for dinner - the only problem is that our kids will get used to fabulous food for dinner so Ken and I will have to learn how to cook a lot better after xmas!  LOL.  Thank you, Eunice for coordinating -  and everyone else for cooking such wonderful food for us!

Tomorrow is a big day because it's my first appointment post-surgery.  I hope I learn about the pathology on the tissue and get an idea of what to expect on-going for treatment.  I am still very much against doing chemo or taking Tamoxifin.  I hope the docs agree.  If not, they will have to make a strong case for me to jump into those treatments right now.