The dark place

While the kids had a great weekend in sports (see previous post), I did not.  I went to a dark place in my training.

Today, I was minutes away from vowing to quit running forever. It was a dark place.

It was a tough week for training.  I put in 4 miles on Monday and 3 miles on Wednesday and both were fine runs.  However, 15 minutes after my Wednesday run, I had a chest cough, with no warning I was getting sick at all.  The cold persisted despite meds and fighting it with all my might.

On Friday I planned to run 10 miles, but didn't get out of work early enough to do it . . . and I was tired and unmotivated.

On Saturday, I was going to run the mileage at Bowling Green, but we got a late start and by the time we got there it was 4pm and cold and blustery (very windy). I took a nap in the hotel before heading to the swim meet at 5:30pm.

On Sunday, we were going to leave Bowling Green early so I was going to run at home instead. We left later than planned because Val was having fun with her friends and we wanted to encourage her. When we got home at 4:30pm, I was tired, unmotivated, and added GI issues to my cold symptoms. Again, I took a nap.

When I got up an hour later, I was dejected.  And angry at myself.  And tired.  I knew I had lots of reasons to skip the run today - very little sleep in the hotel last night, chest cold, and GI issues - but I also knew that what was really stopping me from running was my lack of motivation. It was those demons of inactivity dragging me down.

I seriously considered hanging up the towel forever. I thought I should just quit running. Afterall, I'm not like the other runners I know. I struggle with motivation more often than I look forward to a run. I don't ramp up endurance very quickly. I weigh too much. I'm slow. I only run 3-4 times a week on a good week. And I'm way behind where I should be in training for the half marathon. I'll be significantly slower than my 2:29 in 2008.

All of those facts were staring me in the face and it seemed hopeless. I considered being a No Show at the half marathon on May 7 and even dropping out of the Poco Loco. Although the Poco Loco is supposed to be an easy, fun run for all involved, I'm just not sure I can run 6+ miles out and 6+ miles back.

While it was starting to get dark outside, I went through a dark place of runner gloom. I couldn't believe that I was only going to get 7 miles in this week. And then I decided, with much termoil, that running 3 miles today was better than not running at all. I knew I could physically do it, if I could just mentally kick my butt out the door.

So I did. I got out there and ran. I think what finally got me out the door was the realization that I was going to feel like crap all evening and all day tomorrow if I didn't get out and at least try to run now.

The run went suprisingly well, albeit slow. I ran 6 miles in 1:09 before my GI issues forced me inside again. I think my legs and wind would have allowed me to run 4 more, though.  I was feeling really good and was enjoying the run. 

Now I feel 80% better than I did all weekend. This is always the story, you know. It's always the same. I always feel much better after I get out there. Heck, I even feel much better WHEN I am out there. Yet, it's often a challenge to take that first step. And this weekend, it was much more than a challenge.  The struggle was worth it, though.  I won.