Valerie did an amazing thing today. She took care of an issue with an unfair grade and got it changed. We are so impressed with her! One day this quarter, she rolled an ankle in gym class and Ken had to take her out of school and to the doctor. On that day, she missed math class and a math assignment. When grade cards were calculated, she got a late grade for that assignment and it took her from a 97% to an 88% for the quarter, knocking her out of the "A" honor roll. Ken and I were upset about it, as was Val. She heard Ken talking about sending an email to the teacher because it was just the right thing to do. So she took care of it by talking with the teacher. Ken didn't tell her to do it. Neither did I. She just did. She also got some work done that has been stressing her. So when she called me after school she was almost giddy with happiness and said that she got two major "bricks" off her shoulders today. We went out to Max and Ermas to celebrate tonight.
Today I also experienced two eye-opening things. Driving back to work after my appt with the psychologist, I heard a terrible sound and looked in my rear view mirror. Less than a quarter mile behind me, I watched a car flip to it's top. Several other cars and trucks pulled over and I saw two men in a truck jump out to offer assistance to the person/people in the car. I really hope they are okay. The second event took place at Max and Erma's tonight. Ken is always talking with someone I don't know, usually a dad of a child he coached for soccer or baseball. Tonight someone came to talk with him and when he left the table, he headed back to his table where his wife and 3 kids under the age of 8 were sitting. Ken told me that is the man who played on his church softball team, the one who was diagnoised with an inoperable brain tumor this summer.
My appointment with the psychologist went well. I'll probably need longer than half a day to see if it has an impact, but it was good to talk about it with someone who has dealt with many people in this situation. She challenged me a bit and helped me see some of what was going on with me.
I have made a surgery decision on the outside, but have not accepted it on the inside yet. And I'm grieving. There may be more issues too, but that's a big part of it.
I'm going to try to schedule another meeting with her next week. She and I agree that it would be good to establish our relationship now in case I need her after the surgery. We both expect the post-surgery emotional response to be an issue since I'm not dealing well with the pro-active (called prophylactic) part of this surgery. As far as we know, one breast is healthy. And I have a suspicion the other breast may present very little, if any cancer, given that the MRI and mammogram can't pick it up. Something tells me they got most of it out with the biopsy.
As for the decision, I know the bilateral mastectomy is the only real option for me. Any other choice will be gambling with the odds. And I need to do whatever I can to try to stop it from moving into the rest of my body.
So I've made the decision, I just haven't accepted it yet. If that is still true in two weeks, the post-surgery emotions will be tough. Hey, at least it's a step to admit it here.
I also had a good talk with my boss today. I have a lot I'd like to get done at work in the next two weeks (which she pointed out is really only 7 days due to days off). Yikes! But I'm feeling like I can be ultra productive right now and it makes such a difference to be surrounded by the support of my boss and colleagues.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Good weekend
I had a wonderful weekend, though emotional at times. I intended to write a vendor document this weekend for work, but I didn't get it done. Oh well, I decided to quit pushing myself that hard because I need some strength to get through all my preop appointments next week and I need to relax a little sometimes.
The great parts of the weekend included family time. The kids had a swim meet on Saturday and both did great. It was fun to watch them. Ken and I got some time to ourselves and enjoyed time with friends. We had a great meal at Bucca di Beppo and our suite at the Lofts was incredible.
On the exercise front, I ran a little on Saturday morning, but didn't have much time. I put in just 20 minutes and then had to head out the door for the swim meet. I'm still sore and I'm not sure why. Now it's my calves and IT bands that are incredibly sore, both to the touch and when I walk or run. I decided not to run today to try to recover longer. My only exercise today was the 2 hours to mow the lawn. It took longer than usual because I went very slowly and did some parts twice in an attempt to mow the lawn and mulch the leaves in one step.
Our daughter is doing really well with her braces so far and is able to eat things that are small, soft, and cut up. She's eating much slower, but is at least eating real food, not just milk shakes. This evening she went over to a friend's house to play and reports having a fun time. They went to a playground and tried to rig up their own tetherball with a soccer ball, twine, and tape. Too bad we weren't there to see it, I'm sure it was fun. The friend is a classmate who lost her mother to cancer last year. Val said they didn't talk about it while they were together today, but I've talked with Val about it a couple of times and she seems to think it was the chemo that killed her mom. If I have to get chemo, we'll have to figure out a way to help her understand it wasn't the chemo but because the chemo didn't work. I met her friend tonight when I picked Val up and she seemed to be a quiet and very nice girl. Her caregiver said her Dad encourages friends to come over since the girl needs to spend less time alone outside of school. Maybe now she's starting to branch out more. Or maybe she feels a connection with Val since they both have this cancer situation in common. I know Val feels more of a connection to the girl because of it.
I read Beth's blog on the pre-op appointment tonight and it teared me up. I commented on her note because I'm just so amazed at how well she is doing with this and her commitment and strength to see it through.
I also listened to some podcasts from the American Cancer Association while I mowed the lawn today. It was good and tough at the same time. Tomorrow, I'm going to see the cancer psych doctor to try to get a handle on what is the toughest part of this for me and to help me figure out what I need to do to get past it. I'm fine most of the time. I suppose that's because I'm focused on other things most of the time. When my focus is on the surgery or treatement, though, I get weepy.
The great parts of the weekend included family time. The kids had a swim meet on Saturday and both did great. It was fun to watch them. Ken and I got some time to ourselves and enjoyed time with friends. We had a great meal at Bucca di Beppo and our suite at the Lofts was incredible.
On the exercise front, I ran a little on Saturday morning, but didn't have much time. I put in just 20 minutes and then had to head out the door for the swim meet. I'm still sore and I'm not sure why. Now it's my calves and IT bands that are incredibly sore, both to the touch and when I walk or run. I decided not to run today to try to recover longer. My only exercise today was the 2 hours to mow the lawn. It took longer than usual because I went very slowly and did some parts twice in an attempt to mow the lawn and mulch the leaves in one step.
Our daughter is doing really well with her braces so far and is able to eat things that are small, soft, and cut up. She's eating much slower, but is at least eating real food, not just milk shakes. This evening she went over to a friend's house to play and reports having a fun time. They went to a playground and tried to rig up their own tetherball with a soccer ball, twine, and tape. Too bad we weren't there to see it, I'm sure it was fun. The friend is a classmate who lost her mother to cancer last year. Val said they didn't talk about it while they were together today, but I've talked with Val about it a couple of times and she seems to think it was the chemo that killed her mom. If I have to get chemo, we'll have to figure out a way to help her understand it wasn't the chemo but because the chemo didn't work. I met her friend tonight when I picked Val up and she seemed to be a quiet and very nice girl. Her caregiver said her Dad encourages friends to come over since the girl needs to spend less time alone outside of school. Maybe now she's starting to branch out more. Or maybe she feels a connection with Val since they both have this cancer situation in common. I know Val feels more of a connection to the girl because of it.
I read Beth's blog on the pre-op appointment tonight and it teared me up. I commented on her note because I'm just so amazed at how well she is doing with this and her commitment and strength to see it through.
I also listened to some podcasts from the American Cancer Association while I mowed the lawn today. It was good and tough at the same time. Tomorrow, I'm going to see the cancer psych doctor to try to get a handle on what is the toughest part of this for me and to help me figure out what I need to do to get past it. I'm fine most of the time. I suppose that's because I'm focused on other things most of the time. When my focus is on the surgery or treatement, though, I get weepy.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Tough day
Valerie got braces today. She looks so much older! However, she's very cute, as always. She's sore, but is handling it pretty well. It helps that Ken has been taking great care of her since she got home from school. She's had macaroni and cheese and other soft foods and a couple of ice cream treats today too.
I had a tough day today. It started out with a great meeting at work. My colleague and friend, Anne, and I brainstormed some ideas that will have OSU-wide impact, so that was fun and productive. Afterward, I went to my appointment with the Medical Oncologist.
Doctor visits: I thought I'd have less doctor visits if I had a mastectomy because the cancer would be gone. In reality, I'll probably have more doctor visits because I'll still have all the oncology appointments but I'll also have very frequent appointments with the plastic surgeon.
So that basically leaves just four reasons to have the mastectomy instead of the lumpectomy:
I'm also meeting on Monday with a psychologist at the breast cancer treatment facility, a doctor who deals only with breast cancer patients. Since I'm still struggling with this choice, talking with someone who sees many breast cancer patients may help me figure out what is really going on with me and perhaps I'll gain some insights into what is behind my emotions.
Another friend at work, Bethany, has been a strong advocate this week too. She is helping Ken and I try to figure out what amount we should pledge for the medical flexible spending account so we can save almost 30% on our health bills beginning January 1. She also hooked me up with a Nurse Case Manager. Bethany hand-picked this case manager for me and really trusts this person. The nurse offered to help do research on options to help better understand the best course of treatment. She will also contact a well-known doctor at OSU who is known for his work with cancer, nutrition during treatment, etc. and try to get me an appointment very soon (it's difficult to get in to see him). I think Ken knows this doctor from when he worked at the Medical Center.
Soooooo . . . a very long-winded post today. I'm amazed you actually read it this far down on the page!
I had a tough day today. It started out with a great meeting at work. My colleague and friend, Anne, and I brainstormed some ideas that will have OSU-wide impact, so that was fun and productive. Afterward, I went to my appointment with the Medical Oncologist.
The staff was concerned that I was there before surgery and I had to tell several people that I knew the doctor would not have a treatment plan for me before the pathology results after surgery. Once she got there, she was patient and spent a lot of time with me. Through my questions and our discussion, I learned a lot that I didn't know.
I learned that whether I need chemo is totally unrelated to whether I get a bilateral mastectomy or a lumpectomy. Likewise, whether or not I will have to take tamoxifin is also unrelated to my surgery choice. Both of those post-surgical treatments are determined by the pathology results, the results of testing the tissue after surgery. So it's possible I'll need chemo even if I get a mastectomy. And it's more than possible - it's actually likely - that I'll have to take tamoxifin either way.
I was also wrong about a couple of other things:
Doctor visits: I thought I'd have less doctor visits if I had a mastectomy because the cancer would be gone. In reality, I'll probably have more doctor visits because I'll still have all the oncology appointments but I'll also have very frequent appointments with the plastic surgeon.
Quality of Life: I thought choosing the bilateral mastectomy would allow me to skip chemo and thus all of the side effects that terrify me. I thought I'd be able to keep my hair. I thought I wouldn't get weak or sick or have to deal with all of the other terrible things that happen with chemo. Since whether I have chemo is not related to my surgical choice, this is not true. Also, choosing the mastectomy would not allow me to skip the medication, either. I'll probably have to take tamoxifin either way.
- It's very likely that no radiation will be required after a bilateral mastectomy. However, given all the post-treatment options, radiation is by far the least terrible.
- If I don't need radiation, the reconstruction options are much better and I'm at a much lower risk of having complications with the reconstruction.
- And the big question mark reason - A bilateral mastectomy would reduce the risk of recurrence. I'm still so very shaky on this one. If more than half of women who were successfully treated with breast cancers never have recurrences, and I take tamoxifin which further decreases the chance of recurrence by 50%, then what is the real benefit of the bilateral mastectomy?
- Related to #3 is the fact that this breast cancer is difficult to find and in dense breasts like mine, it's especially tricky to catch. If there is a recurrence, there is a question about whether it would be caught early enough to stop the spread to other parts of my body.
- Shorter recovery time so I can get back to work and family activities much quicker.
- Keep real breasts which improves body image, confidence, sensuality, and fit of my clothes.
- Can get back into running much quicker and easier. With a year of reconstructive surgery processes, the doctor today did not expect me to want to be running while I'm uncomfortable with the stretching and other processes. I could be out of running shape for a year. I may never go back.
- The doctor today said that the lumpectomy was a very reasonable choice. She agreed that the bilateral mastectomy was a more radical choice, but one that women sometimes choose to do all they can to fight this disease.
I'm also meeting on Monday with a psychologist at the breast cancer treatment facility, a doctor who deals only with breast cancer patients. Since I'm still struggling with this choice, talking with someone who sees many breast cancer patients may help me figure out what is really going on with me and perhaps I'll gain some insights into what is behind my emotions.
Another friend at work, Bethany, has been a strong advocate this week too. She is helping Ken and I try to figure out what amount we should pledge for the medical flexible spending account so we can save almost 30% on our health bills beginning January 1. She also hooked me up with a Nurse Case Manager. Bethany hand-picked this case manager for me and really trusts this person. The nurse offered to help do research on options to help better understand the best course of treatment. She will also contact a well-known doctor at OSU who is known for his work with cancer, nutrition during treatment, etc. and try to get me an appointment very soon (it's difficult to get in to see him). I think Ken knows this doctor from when he worked at the Medical Center.
Soooooo . . . a very long-winded post today. I'm amazed you actually read it this far down on the page!
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Overreacted,but fun weekend ahead
I've been out of running shape for a few days. It’s nothing long-term or serious, just a cramped hamstring that is limiting motion and a huge blister on my Achilles area that broke and is now very sore. It's depressing because I have a very limited number of days before I have to stop running for probably 6 or 8 weeks. Also, the weather has been great and it would have been good to get out there.
Work has been crazy busy and I've been trying to make the best of my time to try to get things done before surgery. I'm not sure how long I'll be out of work, I guess it depends on how I feel. I'm fortunate to have enough sick time to be flexible on that. I'm marking from Nov 23 through Jan 1 as "out" on my calendar, but I may work from home or even go in the office once I'm feeling better. I've got some challenging and impactful things on my plate and I'd like to keep moving them forward if I can. I'll try to listen to my body and do what's best for my health, though too - mentally as well as physically. Running has taught me to listen better to the physical side, at least.
Yesterday I overreacted to something going on at work. Luckily, the action I took was to send my boss an email. Therefore, she was the one who learned of my paranoia and she called it to my attention. I don't think I did any damage outside of that and Nancy and I have a good relationship so we'll certainly get past it. I apologized for over-reacting, of course.
Since my diagnosis, I've been reading about similar things happening to people in stressful health situations but I had not been aware of doing anything like that until yesterday. I know I am pressed for time and had some roadblocks on a task I was trying to get completed before surgery. Three issues related to that task converged at the same time and I overreacted to one of them as a result.
The overreaction may not be related to the health stress - it may have been more about being pressed for time - but either way, I hope I'm not doing that in general right now. If I am, certainly take my boss' lead and let me know. If I know about it, I can do something about it. For this task, I chose to stop dealing with it today and I'll make some time tomorrow to take a fresh crack at making progress.
Despite the little hump mentioned above, work is going pretty well right now, as are things on the home front. Ken and I are having a getaway night this weekend. His parents are going to stay with the kids Saturday night while we get a fancy hotel room downtown. We're meeting some friends for dinner and we may be going to a show afterward. Whatever we do, it will be nice to have some time. Thank you, Jan and Jim!
Tomorrow I see the Medical Oncologist for a consult. I know she won't be able to give me a specific post-op treatment recommendation until she sees the test results after surgery. However, I'd like to learn all I can about the possible options and find out how long we'll have to wait after surgery for the results.
Work has been crazy busy and I've been trying to make the best of my time to try to get things done before surgery. I'm not sure how long I'll be out of work, I guess it depends on how I feel. I'm fortunate to have enough sick time to be flexible on that. I'm marking from Nov 23 through Jan 1 as "out" on my calendar, but I may work from home or even go in the office once I'm feeling better. I've got some challenging and impactful things on my plate and I'd like to keep moving them forward if I can. I'll try to listen to my body and do what's best for my health, though too - mentally as well as physically. Running has taught me to listen better to the physical side, at least.
Yesterday I overreacted to something going on at work. Luckily, the action I took was to send my boss an email. Therefore, she was the one who learned of my paranoia and she called it to my attention. I don't think I did any damage outside of that and Nancy and I have a good relationship so we'll certainly get past it. I apologized for over-reacting, of course.
Since my diagnosis, I've been reading about similar things happening to people in stressful health situations but I had not been aware of doing anything like that until yesterday. I know I am pressed for time and had some roadblocks on a task I was trying to get completed before surgery. Three issues related to that task converged at the same time and I overreacted to one of them as a result.
The overreaction may not be related to the health stress - it may have been more about being pressed for time - but either way, I hope I'm not doing that in general right now. If I am, certainly take my boss' lead and let me know. If I know about it, I can do something about it. For this task, I chose to stop dealing with it today and I'll make some time tomorrow to take a fresh crack at making progress.
Despite the little hump mentioned above, work is going pretty well right now, as are things on the home front. Ken and I are having a getaway night this weekend. His parents are going to stay with the kids Saturday night while we get a fancy hotel room downtown. We're meeting some friends for dinner and we may be going to a show afterward. Whatever we do, it will be nice to have some time. Thank you, Jan and Jim!
Tomorrow I see the Medical Oncologist for a consult. I know she won't be able to give me a specific post-op treatment recommendation until she sees the test results after surgery. However, I'd like to learn all I can about the possible options and find out how long we'll have to wait after surgery for the results.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Invigorating day
I had an invigorating day at work today. I know that's a strange word to use for work, but it was a day in which I got some motivation for both work and personal things. I'm embarking on a couple of very challenging work assignments, connecting with people whom I respect and admire, and continually being reminded of my blessings that have not changed despite the cancer diagnosis that threatens me.
I also connected with a very special work friend today. I think we underestimate our colleagues as friends much of the time. Through this time of health crisis, I've been reminded that my friendships are important to me, both at work and outside of work.
I also connected with a very special work friend today. I think we underestimate our colleagues as friends much of the time. Through this time of health crisis, I've been reminded that my friendships are important to me, both at work and outside of work.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Managing energy
I felt pretty terrible yesterday and then not so great this morning, either. Since my only meeting got canceled, I decided to work from home. Even then, I only got a couple of hours in before my headache made it difficult to concentrate and I laid down for a nap.
I got up about an hour later and took some ibuprophin and changed into running clothes. I know that sounds crazy with this nasty flu bug going around, but I don't have a fever and I need to kick whatever this is so I can get on with other things. It's a gorgous day today - lower 50s and sunny. I told myself I was going outside to walk and get fresh air. Although it was hot in the house, I kept having bouts of being shivery and cold. I figured going outside and getting some fresh air couldn't hurt.
Although I fully intended to just walk, I'm always the optimist and changed into running clothes - just in case. I took my mp3 player and temporarily skipped a few steverunner episodes to listen to Fdip211: Gifts, Gadgets and Gizmos for Runners where he read an email I sent him. I'm not sure I'm into most of the running gagets that he mentioned, although the trigger point massage and rolling ball thing sounded like it might be good for my calves and IT bands which I have a tough time loosening. I already have a Garmin 305. My favorite parts of his shows are his ramblings on life in general and I congratulate him on his news of soon becoming a grandfather!
It was such a gorgous day. I started by walking a mile at 18:36 and felt myself get a little weak and sweaty before the mile was even over. I hoped that wasn't an omen. I started to run after the first mile and the first two blocks seemed tough so I didn't think I'd be able to finish even the one mile, but then I got in a groove.
I ended up running 3 miles at 11:01, 10:51, and 10:53. Then I walked a half mile to cool down. So in all, I ran 3 miles and walked 1.5. Not bad for a sick person. I'm still a little dizzy and still have an "iffy" stomach, but I do feel a lot better. I'll be able to get some more work before the kids get home and then more while they are at piano and church school tonight. In all, I hope taking the time out for the nap and run will make me more productive today as I managed my energy well. We'll see how the rest of the day goes.
I got up about an hour later and took some ibuprophin and changed into running clothes. I know that sounds crazy with this nasty flu bug going around, but I don't have a fever and I need to kick whatever this is so I can get on with other things. It's a gorgous day today - lower 50s and sunny. I told myself I was going outside to walk and get fresh air. Although it was hot in the house, I kept having bouts of being shivery and cold. I figured going outside and getting some fresh air couldn't hurt.
Although I fully intended to just walk, I'm always the optimist and changed into running clothes - just in case. I took my mp3 player and temporarily skipped a few steverunner episodes to listen to Fdip211: Gifts, Gadgets and Gizmos for Runners where he read an email I sent him. I'm not sure I'm into most of the running gagets that he mentioned, although the trigger point massage and rolling ball thing sounded like it might be good for my calves and IT bands which I have a tough time loosening. I already have a Garmin 305. My favorite parts of his shows are his ramblings on life in general and I congratulate him on his news of soon becoming a grandfather!
It was such a gorgous day. I started by walking a mile at 18:36 and felt myself get a little weak and sweaty before the mile was even over. I hoped that wasn't an omen. I started to run after the first mile and the first two blocks seemed tough so I didn't think I'd be able to finish even the one mile, but then I got in a groove.
I ended up running 3 miles at 11:01, 10:51, and 10:53. Then I walked a half mile to cool down. So in all, I ran 3 miles and walked 1.5. Not bad for a sick person. I'm still a little dizzy and still have an "iffy" stomach, but I do feel a lot better. I'll be able to get some more work before the kids get home and then more while they are at piano and church school tonight. In all, I hope taking the time out for the nap and run will make me more productive today as I managed my energy well. We'll see how the rest of the day goes.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
This month
It's been a busy weekend. Our daughter had a volleyball tournament on Saturday and then both kids had sleepovers at friends' houses. Ken and I took advantage of the time and went out on the town. We danced a lot and saw some old friends. It was fun, but I'm certianly paying for it today. I think we would have been better off staying home for a romantic evening in . . . I certainly would have been better off. Oh well. We never go out, so it's good that we found some time to do that.
Beth at http://itsnotcancerbut.blogspot.com/ just posted that she's having her mastectomy next week. Wow. Her post made me realize I'm having mine this month. I'm scheduled for November 23. How can it seem so close and yet so far away at the same time? I'm REALLY not looking forward to this in any way. I know I should look at it as a way to get rid of this terrible, threatening cancer in me . . . but I keep focusing that it will be the day I lose something dear to me, something that is so much a part of me . . . . it just seems impossible that it will really happen. Yet it will.
In general, I'm doing pretty well. I get sad sometimes, of course. I wonder if that ever will go away. I suppose it will, but it might take a long time. The reconstruction process takes about a year, so I'll be reminded all the time by numerous doctor visits. And of course I'll be reminded first by pain and then later by a foreign feeling on my chest. I suppose someday I'll get used to that too. It's just something I have to deal with and it will seem normal to me as I take each step at a time.
I'm wishing Beth well and sending coping and healing vibes to her. Let me know how you're doing, Beth. I'm pulling for you, as are your family and friends.
Beth at http://itsnotcancerbut.blogspot.com/ just posted that she's having her mastectomy next week. Wow. Her post made me realize I'm having mine this month. I'm scheduled for November 23. How can it seem so close and yet so far away at the same time? I'm REALLY not looking forward to this in any way. I know I should look at it as a way to get rid of this terrible, threatening cancer in me . . . but I keep focusing that it will be the day I lose something dear to me, something that is so much a part of me . . . . it just seems impossible that it will really happen. Yet it will.
In general, I'm doing pretty well. I get sad sometimes, of course. I wonder if that ever will go away. I suppose it will, but it might take a long time. The reconstruction process takes about a year, so I'll be reminded all the time by numerous doctor visits. And of course I'll be reminded first by pain and then later by a foreign feeling on my chest. I suppose someday I'll get used to that too. It's just something I have to deal with and it will seem normal to me as I take each step at a time.
I'm wishing Beth well and sending coping and healing vibes to her. Let me know how you're doing, Beth. I'm pulling for you, as are your family and friends.
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