Ode to Expanders

What a whirlwind week!  With all the soccer, baseball, and softball games, the Race for the Cure, and getting my work life in order to be gone for 2 weeks . . . whew!  It's time for a break.  Oh.  Wait.  No time for that.  My surgery is TOMORROW.

I found a new-to-me blogger who posted about getting expanders replaced and she sounded pretty happy about the way surgery went and the result.  Beth was also positive.  And I'm thinking good thoughts. Actually, I'm probably minimizing this surgery because I've really not given it much thought at all.  I'm officially off work for two weeks, but I expect to be working from home the second week.  Hey, I'm usually an optimist, why stop now?

Ode to Expanders

Oh makers of the cavity
You made me squirm and whine
Defiers of all gravity
You've finally served your time

Great service you have given me
To ensure my work and run
Time to bid farewell with glee
Your work with me is done

Replacement is a longer term
Gel that keeps its form
Softer, smaller, not as firm
A replica of past conform

Tho new will be my body art
I promise you enjoy
A special place in my heart
For above I'm not a boy

Ok, so I'm no poet.  And I really got stuck on the last stanza.  But hey, it's late and everyone is scowling at me because I'm not in bed.

Thank you all for your prayers, vibes, and good wishes.  Ken will update the blog tomorrow to let you know how I'm doing.

Vacation

We're back from Florida and into the craziness of life right away.  I don't know why I thought it was great we'd have the weekend to recover before going back to the craziness on Monday.  It all started the minute we landed, really.

I was frustrated that I couldn't get out for a run yesterday and then today I had a TERRIBLE time forcing myself out there and an equally terrible time getting started and another equally terrible time running.  One of those days I guess. 

But let's catch up with the training log - blog is short for web log, after all.  So here's what I've put in since last writing.

Monday, I ran 5 miles, some of it on the beach.  The miles were 11:51, 11:38, 11:46, 11:43, and 11:09.  Then I walked a half mile as cool down, but I never cooled down.  It was HOT.  I actually had a 5 minute break between mile 4 and 5 where I walked in the shade a bit and went into the great Mexican restaurant and begged them to fill up my water bottle.  They took pity on me, thank goodness. 

Wednesday, I ran 2.8 miles at Disney. I actually ran at the Disney Caribbean resort on the 1.4 (which my Garmin measured at 1.5) track around the lake.  I kept thinking about Gordon at runtodisney who sends submissions into the Extra Mile Podcast I listen to occasionally.  I just looked at Gordon's blog and his submission to the Daily Mile which outlines his journey from dangerously unhealthy to a marathon man.  I am so impressed with his weight loss process and successes.  Go Gordon!  I'm doing terribly in that area.  I really packed on the pounds this year and haven't been able to stay committed to doing anything about it.  I do the depressed-so-I-eat  . . . eat-so-I get depressed cycle.  It's stupid.  Makes no sense.  It's not unlike the TV show about hoarders that I saw on TLC last night.  Scary stuff.  Obsessive behavior.  However, not unlike eating junk when I know it is sabotaging what I need to feel good and meet my goals.  Yet, I do it anyway.  Maybe reading Gordon's story will help me get out of that cycle.  It certainly is motivating.

After the Disney run, I didn't get to run again until today, Sunday.  As I already mentioned, it was tough getting out there and even once I got out there, I couldn't get into the swing of things. So I walked about 2 miles first at about a 17:30 pace.  Then I came back in and got more water (the hot weather followed us from Florida back to Ohio) and went back out again.  I ran 2 miles at 11:04 and 10:42 and then gave up trying to run.  I just couldn't get into it.  To atone for my sorry attempt at exercise, I spent the next hour behind the lawn mower adding more mileage walking.

Tomorrow I go back to work.  I wish I could say I'll ease back into things, but none of the work goes away when I go on vacation, so I get to work harder the week before and a few weeks after to keep above water.  I got a Blackberry right before I left so while I was out, I was able to delete junk messages and "copy" messages that didn't require any response on my part. It was easy to do that while in the car or doing something that required waiting - a good use of time, I think.  I hate waiting.

Overall, the vacation was great.  The kids were fantastic and had lots of fun when with family at Treasure Island and when we were at Disney.  I also enjoyed our time at Treasure Island and even surprised myself by enjoying Magic Kingdom, despite not being a ride or character person. I really liked the water ride and went on several of the attractions that weren't roller coasters.  I also got enough down time to be able to run and read 2 fiction books. I didn't do any work outside of getting my Blackberry to work and clearing out "no work required" emails.  Ken got to go fishing on the gulf and also enjoyed the time with family and sharing Disney with the kids.

The next big event for me is the Race for the Cure.  Join our team and walk or run with us!  It's Saturday, May 15, 2010.  Valerie is looking for a friend to stick with her during the race (preferably a soccer playing friend or another swimmer).  She will try to run as much of it as she can but plans to walk frequently.  Ken and Jason will walk/run it (probably equal amounts of distance with each).  I hope Michelle will stick with me and we can run the thing.  Tom will walk it.  I haven't seen Holly since she joined the group so I'm not sure if she'll hang with us or go it alone.  Anyone else want to join us?  Take a look at the middle part of this older blog post to learn how to join the team. 

My next surgery is May 25, 2010 when I get the expanders out (Alleluia) and the implants in.

Great run and time to reflect

I had an incredible run on an incredibly beautiful day today.  I left work an hour later than I wanted to leave which left me no slack time for running but I HAD to run today because it was so great out and this was the only time I could squeeze it in.  So I ran and pushed myself.  I had about 33 minutes to run and I wanted to do a 5K distance.  I pushed myself the whole way.  The last mile was the toughest.  I did the 5K in 32:50.  If you've been looking at my most recent 5K times, you'll see that's pretty impressive for me these days.

My miles were 10:28, 10:44, and 10:47.  It's obvious I was pushing myself.  I usually get a little faster as my distance increases.  Not today.  I was maxed out and tiring out all the way.  But it felt good.  Really good.  Especially when I hit the 3.1 distance, started walking, and checked the time.  Wow, 32:50 was better than I thought possible with my current fitness. 

During the run, I purposely didn't watch my total distance or time and only glanced at my pace a few times.  At almost 2 miles, I checked the distance to see how far I still had to go, but I didn't look at elapsed time.  My back was acting up a little the last mile, but nothing terrible.

After I ran, I booked to my car and went to the cancer survivors yoga class (arriving exactly on time thanks to my speedy 5K). When I got there, though, I learned that it isn't really a yoga class.  It's a "mindfulness in motion" class that uses some yoga techniques.  Another class member was also mistaken about the nature of the class.  I know this because she also brought a yoga mat.  This class takes place predominately in chairs.

We are spending most of the time focusing on breathing and relaxing.  It's the "relax your toes, now your ankle, now your calves . . . " kind of thing I remember from college enrichment programs in the residence halls. I didn't like those then because I didn't have time to relax. I had things to get done. If I relaxed, I'd lose the edge and everything would come crashing down.  Now that you know this about me, I'm sure it explains much. Now that I'm a lot older and at least somewhat more self-aware, I told the class that it's probably serendipity that I was in this class.  It's the only class on the James class schedule that I could fit into my schedule and it's about how to relax.  I probably need this more than flexibility improvement.  I don't WANT it more than flexibility improvement, but I probably need it more.  We'll see if I stick with it for the 6 or 8 weeks or whatever this class runs. I might.  The class is also a study for a professor so we have to complete a packet over the 6 or 8 weeks and do daily mindfulness practice with a CD.

I'm really glad I didn't forego running today because I could get my exercise from the yoga class.  I would have been disappointed.  Since I already got the exercise in, I was able to avoid the disappointment and I tried to focus on relaxing and being in the moment (not easy for me).  I did just fine.  I know this because on the way home I listened to . . . I can't believe I'm admitting to this . . . Miley Cyrus' The Climb and sang along (yes, adding shame to shame, I know all the lyrics, too). 

Well, at least I tried to sing along.  I got choked up several times.  I'm a lyrics person and the lyrics of this song are about always striving for something difficult, not giving up, fighting uphill battles, etc.  Sound familiar from my description of the college me?  Can't relax or I'll lose the edge . . . always feeling like I'm rolling a huge ball uphill . . . .  And, as if the college reminder wasn't enough emotional fodder, today the words "sometimes I'm gonna have to lose" - reminded me of cancer.  Those lyrics never brought cancer to my mind before, but since I just spent an hour with cancer survivors . . . .

But wait . . . I didn't lose to cancer.  I won.  But someday I won't.  I have this feeling it will get me someday.  Not today.  Not for a long time.  But I've learned of my mortality.  And someday I'm gonna have to lose.  It's not fair.  I work hard.  I play fair.  I'm good to others.  People like that should win.  We all should.  Win-win.  That's my motto fueled by my overdeveloped belief in justice.  Okay, so I'm not 100% sure cancer will get me.  It could.  We all will go someday of some ailment.  I just hope I've held it off long enough to make a difference for my children, husband, parents, friends, colleagues . . . .

I have another confession to make.  That Disney star's pop song was actually on my MP3 player, not on the radio.  So I played it over and over again on the way home until I could sing it without choking up.  It took a few times, but I was able to do it. 

So, I guess the class put me in touch with my emotions and gave me some time to reflect.  I haven't really taken much time for reflection, I've just jumped back into the craziness that is my life and that keeps me moving foward, having accomplishments, and believing I'm happy.  It may be good for me to stop the world for awhile and reflect.  Not comfortable, mind you, but probably good. 

Okay, one last shocking revelation:  I actually like Miley.

Great run today - 7 miles!

What a great day. And I ran. Maybe those things are related.  Probably they are.

Ken freaked out when he saw on my Garmin download that I ran 7 miles today. I did really traverse 7 miles, but some of it was walking, however not as much as you'd think given my lax training lately.  No soreness or injury issues to report despite the distance today.  My calves were pretty tight at the end, but not a problem at all.

My miles were 11:52, 11:29, 10:55, 11:14, 10:20, 12:02, and 17:52. I didn't set out to run any specific distance, I just did what I wanted. Although it was tough to make myself go outside, I didn't feel rushed at all and ended up having a great run. I ran the 5K distance in just under 35 minutes (the last 1/4 mile was pretty fast for me). Then I walked about 30 seconds before running again. After about a mile, I decided I'd try to do 5 miles in under an hour and the last 3/4 of the 5th mile was pretty fast. I hit the 5 mile mark at about 56 minutes. Then I walked another 30 or 40 seconds and took off running again, this time thinking I'd do the 10K distance. I had to walk a little during the 6th mile to address an MP3 player issue, but I finished the 10K in about 1:09.  Then I walked the rest of the 7th mile. 

It was a bit chilly today, low 30's, but sunny and nice. I started out with running tights with shorts over them, a long sleeved t-shirt, a light zip-up sweatshirt, stocking hat, and gloves. Mile 1 and 2 were loops around my house so I ended up dropping the gloves, jacket and hat pretty early in the process. The total time out there was an hour and 25 minutes.  With such a great run, I was entertaining thoughts of the Capitol City half marathon on May 1. I'm worried it would be depressing though because there would be NO WAY I could beat or do as well as my only half marathon run of just under 2:30. Of course, I had the pesky issue of cancer since then and then there is the fact that I was thoroughly trained for the 2008 half and I'm not remotely trained now. But, hey, still. I'm afraid I'd be discouraged. I think my friend Eunice is doing that race. She'd certainly kick my butt, as well she should. She's more than thoroughly trained. 

Anyway, I'm pretty psyched about my run today. It wasn't fast, but was the furthest I've run in a very long time.  Also I was impressed that I was able to pick up the pace a couple of times to run a sub-10-min mile pace for 1/4 and later a 3/4 mile. That's also good.

I remember this feeling from training for the half. The first mile or two is always tougher than subsequent miles and it's easier to stop and to assume you are "done" and woefully out of shape. Today I ran my fastest mile as mile 5. And though my times slowed after that, mile 6 was a faster pace most of the time, it's just the walking twice that eased my time into the 12 min mile range.

If it's a gorgous day where you are, or even if it isn't, get out there and walk or run or do whatever it is that will improve your day.  I know that I certainly need to do more of this.

Beth posted this fun dancing youtube video on her blog and I thought I'd pass it along to you all.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlfKdbWwruY 
Click it for a smile.

Recovery time . . . or not

So I'm behaving like it's recovery time.  Like I'm through it all and now it's time to reclaim my body, my activity, my crazy schedule, myself. 

Today I even used shoveling snow for an hour as my workout.  It was really, dry, powdery snow and not at all heavy, so don't worry.  I just took the shovel and took care of the driveway and sidewalks.  Then, because I was enjoying being out there and the snow was coming down quite a bit while I was shoveling, I did it all again.  There was about 3 inches the first time and just a dusting the second time.  I even toyed with going for a run because it was great out.  However, Jason had a friend over and I couldn't leave them unsupervised.  Besides, the hour of shoveling was an okay workout; not overly aerobic or challenging, but it got me moving.  I'm starting to be more generous with what I consider a workout.

Anyway, I opened this post by noting that I'm behaving like it's time to make everything go back to normal. I'm acting like I need to push this rehab thing and then it will all be over. Yet I know that's not quite true.  I read Beth's blog today and I'm going to quote part of it here because I know some of you don't really follow the links.  (Ha, ha!  Caught you!  You blew right by that link, didn't you?)  Beth is referencing a friend of hers who is also going through breast reconstruction and she's a few months ahead of us in the process.  Yesterday she had surgery to replace her expanders with the real implants.  Beth got to see her and below is her subsequent blog post:

She looked wiped out and was in some pain. She said her expanders had started to separate and so he had to stitch her up on the inside to keep the implants closer together, ouch. She did say however that this pain was nothing compared to last time, thank God. I am nervous, already. I hate to go through this again, to be completely useless for a week and then the physical restrictions for another 3 weeks and no running yet again for 8 weeks.

I know all this is true. It will also happen to me. It's required. I have to go back and have surgery and lose all this progress I'm making. I guess I'm just in denial right now. I want to be back. For good. Now.

Great day

I had a good day at work today, a great workout, and then a friend called who I haven't talked with in years. Oh, and I ate healthy today and no doubt tipped the calories in/out scale.

At work, I got to meet with people I really enjoy and had some time to actually get some work output completed.  It felt good to connect with people and be productive.  I also used the stairs for the first time in months.  It's quite a hike up to the fourth floor.  The second floor is evil because it's actually 3 flights instead of 2.  I rested at the third floor landing and wondered if I should negotiate to move my office down there.

My workout was great because I took a different approach to laps and I walked and ran 4 miles in about 54 minutes.  I think that's right.  I had to have Ken help me with the math formulas (he's a math superstar) but I applied them and may have made some critical error.  But my watch agrees, so I'm going with that.  Post surgery, I think I ran 5 miles in about an hour, so I'm making progress.

The difference in my workout today is that I decided it was crazy to measure my progress by miles.  Miles made sense when I was running 3 or 5 or 10 or 13 miles.  However, when one mile is difficult, using a mile as my measure is deflating.  That train of thought took me to my attitude when I reached mile 11 of the 2008 half marathon, I remember rejoicing because I knew I could run 2 miles in my sleep.  Ha ha ha.  Not now, bucko.  I also recalled that some of my marathon runner friends talking about marathons in 5K and 10K increments.  It's all relative, isn't it?

Since I ran on the RPAC track again and it's 1/8 mile, I changed my measure to 1/8 mile and clicked the lap button on my watch at every lap whether I ran or walked.  I always did the whole 1/8 mile (see, I'm even writing about it like it's a long way) running or walking.  Then I did the geek thing and put it in a spreadsheet to analyze.  Yes, I know I have no time to do this, but I was curious about my new measurement method.  Let me say though, I certainly have a new appreciation for my Garmin 305 which does all this math for me.

If I was tracking miles, they were 10:38, 14:06, 12:14, and 17:45. My 5K distance was 38:16, which isn't bad since my personal best is about 29:00, which I ran in 2007 and afterward my legs were really wobbly.  I trained a lot for that race to beat my 30 minute goal.

After I ran, I tried to stretch but I couldn't really stretch anything above the hip flexor.  I tried many ways to stretch my lower back but all caused quite a bit of pain in my left side (below and to the left of my breast). I was hoping the sore place is where the expander is attached, but then why isn't the right side hurting too?  Anyway, stretching anything other than my calves has been a challenge.  I was able to figure out how to stretch my quad and hamstrings a little today (slow motion and very carefully). I also tried to do ab work but I couldn't even fully engage my abs without my left side screaming at me.  That left side is pretty sore tonight.  It was pretty sore last night too.  I'll take meds before going to bed tonight.  I'll talk with the surgeon about it next Thursday.

And last but certainly not least, an old friend called me tonight.  He had heard from his parents (the grapevine in our small hometown is active as ever) that I had cancer and wasn't doing very well.  I guess losing both breasts certainly can be interpreted that way.  He's been worried about me.  I was able to ease his mind by telling him I no longer have cancer, I do not need chemo or radiation, and I'm even running now.  He's an ophthalmologist and is very familiar with surgery and biology and health and cancer and all.  He talked about how people have trouble giving up one eye even if it doesn't work anymore and it is causing cronic pain, so he wasn't at all surprised of my angst over my surgery decision.  We had a great talk and I'm so touched that he took the time to track me down.

Back to Work

I was out of work for something like 6 weeks, right?  Well, today it certainly didn't seem like it.  If it hadn't been for a couple of very nice "welcome back" cards and lots of work friends with whom I had "Hey! Glad you're back. You look great.  How do you feel?  Good, but don't overdo it, though." discussions, I might not have even noticed I had been out at all.

Going back to work after the holidays is very good timing, too.  Everyone is into the r's of new year:  rejoice, reflect, reconsider, recommit or reject, and renew.  We're all starting anew, in some ways, and we all have our resolutions and "hope" lights re-lit.  So it seems perfectly normal for me to be doing the same.  Besides several people have been out one or more weeks over my 6 weeks hiatus, so many others are also playing catch up.

My morning meeting was with some incredibly capable colleagues with whom I will be working closely in the new role I've added to my plate.  They are also taking on new roles or doing them very differently beginning this month, so we're all in it together.  If today's meeting was any indication, we'll make great bedfellows.  Well, in HR I probably shouldn't be mentioning beds, and "partners in crime" would be just as bad.  I guess I'll just have to say I'm fortunate to be working with them.

I was glad that my energy stayed up during the day, too.  I had a little dip right after lunch (we had a potluck for a unit that is leaving the department), but it came back quickly.  Like Beth, I'm trying to lose some weight that I put on during this ordeal.  Most cancer patients lose weight.  But I'm certainly not complaining!  I'll take the 10-15 pounds over having chemo any day.  When I think about it that way, it's much easier to handle.

While Beth has a plan for losing weight, I don't.  She's counting caleries which is a tried and true method that I'd do if I could bring myself to commit to looking up all the caleries for everything I eat and tracking them.  I'm sure I would fail in that process.  That's why I can't imagine doing weight watchers either.  I've been successful before by going extreme for a few months with the no carb for 2 weeks and then slowly adding them back starting with one new vegetable per week.  That's how I lost 30 pounds probably 5 or 6 years ago.  Since then I've drop carbs for shorter time periods to shave off 10 lbs here and there that have creeped up over the years.  I must have missed that cycle a couple of times though because I'm up about 30 again. 

This time, I don't want to resort to the unhealthy route and exclude food groups.  Who knows, that may have been the reason my LCIS turned into ILC.  Or maybe it was the 3 months of birth control pills I took this summer.  I don't know, obviously, but I just don't think dropping food groups is a good idea for someone on the mend anyway.  Also, this time I don't expect to lose the entire 30 pounds.  I'd be happy with 20.  And I'm sure it will take longer with my exercise options being so limited and the second surgery looming in a few months.

So today I had a half of a peanut butter sandwich (on whole grain bread) for breakfast and then walked to and from my meeting, about 15 minutes each way.  During the meeting, I had a vitimin water.  At the potluck, I had one 8" plate of carefully selected food (hummus, fruit, and spinach salad, I think).  I did not pass by Eunice's award winning Mac and Cheese though.  I had to eat a couple tablespoons of that.  I didn't even go to the dessert table. Tonight I've had a measuring cup of beef barley soup and an avacado.  Then I was still hungry so I added 3 pieces of beef jerky while I'm writing here.  I'm still hungry after that though, so I'm not sure what I'll do now.  Maybe I'll make some tea or just go to bed.